


Red Violets

by MirroredApparition



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Canon Divergence, Dysfunctional Family, Eventual Romance, Everything is just very sad, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Slow Burn, Suicide mention, This isn’t just angst it’s ANGUISH, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:49:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 56,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24334624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirroredApparition/pseuds/MirroredApparition
Summary: Spoilers for P5R.Kasumi Yoshizawa never lost hope, even when she lost everything else.The events of persona 5 as Kasumi saw it.
Relationships: Akechi Goro & Yoshizawa Kasumi, Amamiya Ren/Yoshizawa Kasumi, Kurusu Akira/Yoshizawa Kasumi, Persona 5 Protagonist/Yoshizawa Kasumi
Comments: 64
Kudos: 114





	1. On Refusing to Mourn

**Author's Note:**

> There’s a lot of these kinda fics going around, but I wanted to write one with a harder focus on Kasumi’s state of mind and her family.  
> Some scenes are ripped straight from the game, but later on I’m gonna try to avoid that.

Kasumi had everything she could have ever wanted, talent, beauty, and a shining personality. She had it all, and she accepted it with grace and humility. Her abilities were like second nature to her, even though she worked hard— this all seemed to come so easy for her. Perhaps all the cheers, the piles of bouquets, the wild claims of absolute love from her male peers, made this so much more rewarding to succeed at. She was the portrait of perfection, anyone would be proud of her. 

Sumire though, she wasn’t any of those things. No one gave her a second glance, she was plain, boring, even with months of dedicated practice she couldn’t come close to her sister’s achievements. As her sister took another award for her outstanding performance, Sumire had yet to receive anything above third place. The crimson haired girl lifted her glasses up, trying her hardest to keep a composed face. She should be proud of Kasumi, shouldn’t she? 

Yet there was a deep seeded envy that she couldn’t get rid of, coming so far behind her sister seemed like a daily embarrassment, there was nothing she could do to stand out from her shadow. Everyone cheered on Kasumi, showered her with the highest praise, but they had nothing to say to Sumire. 

Something so petty should not have weighed on her as it did, but the feeling only grew stronger. Like a noose around her neck, the farther she fell the tighter the pressure would become, and Kasumi was pulling her back to the ground. She couldn’t look at her sister, she wasn’t sure if it was out of shame or spite. There was nothing Sumire had that didn’t also belong to Kasumi, nothing at all that made her as special, as precious. This wasn’t the place to let her head fill with such awful thoughts, what kind of selfish person was she that she couldn’t feel happy for Kasumi? 

Sumire couldn’t bear it anymore, she had to hide her face somewhere, anywhere but here. The last sight she had before turning tail was her sister’s beaming smile, smiling at her, the undeserving Sumire. When she left, the color faded from Kasumi’s complexion, her smile drifted to a frown. 

As if for the first time, Kasumi knew what it felt like to be a disappointment. 

* * *

  
  
Her father seemed quite worried about her, as well as adamant she see that therapist again, if at all possible. She’d wave it off easily, she was back to her regular self now, and she hadn’t the time to wallow in any sorrow left in her.

_If she was even sad to begin with._

She had no problems with the doctor, she liked him quite a lot, but she couldn’t keep thinking about her— _Sumire_. If she wanted to make their dream a reality she would have to train until she collapsed, she was sure her sister would do the same in her position. 

Even though Sumire had her bouts of depression, she always tried her hardest. 

She tried for her.

So she could be seen by _her_. 

There were other things to consider, however, like school for instance. Kasumi had begun her first year at Shujin Academy fairly recently, it was quite a bit different than what she had first thought, the staff seemed to have high expectations of her. Perhaps that wasn’t too strange, everyone had high expectations of her—

She shook her head, she had to stay focused. Not only did she have to to keep on top of her training, but she had to excel in her studies as well. It was all for the sake of their dream, she didn’t have an option to fail. This wasn’t just for her, it was for her father, and mother, and...

. ..and Sumire. 

  
She was beginning to understand why her father wanted her to continue therapy. The constant thought of her sister was stuck to her like glue. It was only natural, that’s what the doctor said, they were twins after all. But the doctor told her it was best to avoid these feelings, they only caused her great pain in the end. She’d have to clear her mind if she was going to have any sort of success in her ambitions. 

At the very least, the trains seemed to be on time today, she wouldn’t be much of an honor student if she kept showing up late. Although it seemed she already had a bit of a reputation at Shujin, she could hear some students talking behind her; commenting on her status, her looks, it wasn’t exactly a surprise to be envied by the regular school girl considering her special treatment. Kasumi kept her head up, it wasn’t as if she wanted to be treated differently. She just wanted to be _normal_ —

A dull pain rang in her head, and she stumbled back for a moment. The people around her sounded concerned, asking if she was alright, if she could stand, but she laughed it off.

People have to move on from pain, that’s what she was taught. 

“ I’m okay, I just got a little dizzy, that’s all.”

She bounced back quick, she always did.

For some reason it was easy for her to get side tracked today, any stray thought could cause a migraine. It would be best if she could just focus on her practices and leave everything else behind.

The train arrived shortly after, the insides being quickly filled and packed tightly together. Somehow Kasumi was lucky enough to grab a seat amidst the chaos of everyone pushing their way in. The doors closed, and the train swiftly made its departure from the station. 

She couldn’t help but be thankful, her head was still ringing. Though she was taking her doctor’s advice to heart, she was still stuck thinking on all of what happened back then. Sumire proved to be a persistent plague on her mind, the vague image of her haunted every corner of her brain. Even the most mundane of things would bring her to the forefront of her thoughts, stifling the progress she was trying so hard to make. Of course it wouldn’t be easy. 

She was her _sister_ —

_Stop thinking_. 

For a while it worked, clearing her head for several minutes, letting the train’s announcements be the only thing she let into her mind, and then eventually she’d come to the same exact issue as before. She let out a shuddered breath, looked for anything, anything at all to distract her. There was a boy to her left she hadn’t even known was standing so close to her, he hardly had a presence at all—even after seeing him. 

_Okay, moving on._

Kasumi turned her head, an elderly woman standing before her. She had kind eyes and smiled sweetly at her when she made eye contact. Kasumi mentally chastised herself for not being more mindful sooner, she returned a bright smile to her as she stood. 

“Please, take my seat. My stations coming up.”

The woman seemed delighted by her offer.

“Are you sure? Then—“

As quickly as she stepped aside to clear space for the woman, the seat she offered was taken by a man she hadn’t even noticed until now. 

“ _Oh wow, what speed!_ ”  
Kasumi muttered under her breath, she cleared her throat and tried again with a sweeter tone of voice “I mean—Excuse me, that seat was for this lady...” 

The man must have looked at her if only for a split second, his head quickly dropped limply as his breaths became soft and slow.

“O-oh.”

She couldn’t help but feel guilty that her kind gesture had to turn out this way.

“Want me to wake him up?”  
  
She lifted her head to see the boy from earlier, his laid back tone of voice made him seem sincere, but she shook her head. 

“It’s alright, I can understand his position as well. “ She turned to the elderly woman with furrowed brows. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be of any help.” 

The woman addressed simply waved her hand passively.  
“It’s alright dearie, don’t you worry.”

Even still, it didn’t seem right for her to just let this go. Helping others was something her peers always praised her for, she’d have to make up for this somehow.  
“Please allow me to carry your luggage, at least” 

While she tried to smile as genuinely as the woman, she didn’t think it had the same luster to it. She knew that part of this was so _forced_...but it felt right, didn’t it? 

The woman didn’t seem to see through her, “Thank you! Ain’t it heavy though?” 

Kasumi took the bags from her with ease, at least this was something she couldn’t fail at “ Not at all! I train plenty.”

While the weight was certainly a lot more than she thought an old woman would be carrying on a subway, she was able to keep a strong hold on it even when the train rocked a little too roughly to one side. She kept her bright appearance up, never letting her grin fade from her face. Kasumi tried not to let her mind wonder like it had been, she instead took a glance at the boy who spoke up a minute ago. She was happy he said something, he was so quiet before she hadn’t really expected him to involve himself. 

There was something strange about him, she could only really see it now. It was in his eyes, some kind of bizarre aura he kept well hidden behind his glasses. The boy returned her glare, as if he finally felt her eyes on him. She all too quickly lost her nerve and looked the opposite direction. 

She couldn’t exactly be sure, this was only in peripheral vision after all, but she thought she saw the slightest indication of a smirk form on his features. 

This stranger was strange indeed. 

  
  


—

  
  


Even after saying farewell to the old woman, Kasumi’s thoughts still lingered on that boy. She hoped it wasn’t too late to thank him, and she hoped she hadn’t scared him off with all the staring she did. She was scanning the crowd for him involuntarily, couldn’t help but seek him out. He was one hell of a distraction, and she thought she may as well give him the appreciation he deserved. Still, she couldn’t help but feel the slightest bit bad for keeping her eyes on him, so much that she committed nearly every feature he had to memory. 

Kasumi let out a sigh, she probably should leave that part out, they were strangers after all. Yet she was still looking as she left the station's platform, and she felt elated when she finally did set her sights on the raven haired boy. She chased after him, without a thought to how strange she would look. 

“Pardon me...” Kasumi projected, just loud enough to get him to turn around.   
“Thank you so much for earlier.” She gave him a slight bow, probably far too formal for someone that was just around her age. 

The boy took a moment to respond, likely overwhelmed with the way she was presenting herself   
“With what?”. He seemed genuinely confused, nervously fidgeting with his hair

She lifted her head to take another look at him,

“For speaking up when I offered my seat on the train.” She noticed his uniform earlier, part of her ecstatic they went to the same school.

“You’re a second-year at Shujin Academy, correct? I’m a first year there myself.” She relaxed her posture and shifted the bag on her shoulder.  
“Thanking you totally slipped my mind on the train, and I didn’t want to be rude to my senpai.” 

Her _senpai_ was still a little wary of her. Of course he was, she couldn’t be more intrusive if she tried. The thought seeped through her, quickly realizing she had somewhere to be, and it would probably be better if she left this boy alone for now.

“Please, excuse me.” She bowed to him once more and took off in whatever direction he wasn’t. It wasn’t as if she were ashamed of her forwardness, but something about it felt off at the moment.

Maybe he could tell she was forcing herself through it, his eyes did seem cautiously perceptive. 

_Those eyes…_

Kasumi shook her head, it was best not to think any more about it. 

But she could only hope he’d bump into her again.

* * *

Rumors ran rampant at this school, there were always students whispering about someone else’s issues, if they were issues at all. Even Kasumi was the subject of some talk around the halls, she was sure the girls she practiced with didn’t exactly take very kindly to her, always avoiding her whenever possible. She wasn’t upset, she really wasn’t, it was only a rough start and she’d prove to them that she wasn’t any threat. Although, she was starting to become lonely here. 

The only person she could really talk to was her coach, and even she was acting odd around her lately. Her coach expressed frustrations with her movements, something she never seemed to remember getting scolded about before. She had told her she looked possessed, like a marionette dancing at the will of someone else. Kasumi didn’t understand what she meant, but she did feel like her performances were lacking the liveliness they used to have. Well, she supposed there was a _very good_ reason for that. While the other girls liked to stir up some wild conspiracy about her having gone insane, she was still pushing herself as hard as she could. 

She had to keep going anyway, things would turn around, she knew they would. Besides, the rumors of her weren’t anywhere near as brutal as the others that were being passed around the school. The hot topic on everyone’s mind seemed to be the exceedingly dangerous transfer student. Stories about him changed from person to person, as if no one could keep it straight. 

First, he was caught up in a gang. Second, he was a murderer, and third he was something—something Kasumi would rather not give any time to entertain. All these outrageous accounts could hardly be close to the truth, considering if he’d really done any of those crimes, he would never be accepted to this school. With the high standards the administration had for their students, it appeared to her that a transfer student guilty of such a punishable offense would probably not even be attending a school at all. 

Kasumi couldn’t help but feel bad for whoever this transfer student was, so quickly labeled with so many terrible things at the start of the year. 

“Yoshizawa?”

A deep voice carried her back to reality. Kasumi was waiting for a teacher to come speak with her about her honors program, he was the pride of the school evidently. An Olympic medalist among the other teachers, she figured that was why they turned her to him. 

She gave the older man a brief smile before following him into the guidance office. 

The place was cold, probably too cold for the middle of April, the AC’s loud hum made her think it must have been on its highest setting. The blasting frigid air put her on guard, and the way this teacher was eyeing her as she took a seat wasn’t helping with the state of unease she was in. She wrapped her arms around herself. Kasumi wasn’t sure if it was to mask herself from this teacher’s unyielding gaze, or to to keep some kind of warmth in her system. 

“So you're a gymnast, huh?” 

This was uncomfortable. Maybe it was always supposed to be this awkward, but she couldn’t help but wish she was elsewhere. There were plenty of rumors about this teacher as well, most very positive, others—

Kasumi shouldn’t have given any consideration to these hushed words about this man, Suguru Kamoshida. Although, that stare of his wasn’t giving her much peace of mind about the situation. 

“That’s right, Sir.” If she was scared, she didn’t show it. Her tone of voice was as bright as ever, and she was able to smile at him with no faults. “My homeroom teacher told me I should speak with you about the honors program.” 

In what felt like ages, he finally tore his gaze off her and peered down at some papers on his desk.

“Oh of course, you’ve got quite an impressive track record Yoshizawa.” When he grinned at her, she did her best to reflect the motion 

“All that talent,” He breathed in, leaning forward.  
“And you’re _cute_ too.” 

Kasumi felt her blood freeze in her veins, but she wouldn’t let the talk of so few students lead her on. Even if this felt unsafe, it was just this school getting to her. 

“You sure you don’t want to play for my volleyball team instead?”

 _Volleyball_ , she doubted she’d be any good at it. Kasumi shook her head with a small giggle “Oh no, I think I’ll just stick with gymnastics for now. Thank you for the offer, though.” 

Kamoshida reclined back in his chair with a small sigh.  
  
“You’ll come around. “ The quick wink he gave her made her feel she was as if she was losing her edge, she wouldn’t usually let an overly familiar teacher get under her skin like this. He spared a glance back down to the papers, flipping through pages as he tapped his pen on the side of his desk.

“Well, anyway, how’s the school treating you? Not getting into any trouble I hope.” In terms of the things she had heard of the other students here, she thought she was getting along just fine.

“It’s certainly a different environment than middle school, but I think I’m getting used to it.” Part of her hoped that the indication of her being so young would stop his flirtatious behavior. 

“That’s good to hear. Last thing we need is for you to be corrupted by any _rowdy_ individuals.” She thought she knew what he meant by that, the rumors about the transfer student weren’t only spread along by the students. “Now I don’t mean to scare you Yoshizawa, but this school does have its fair share of troublemakers.”

His eyes focused on what she assumed were her papers, scrawling a quick signature before switching his sights to her. “Make sure you keep your distance. We wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

Kamoshida outstretched his arm to give her the documents, her hands shook as she quickly took them from him.

“I‘ll keep that in mind. Thank you, Sir.” She stood, but the man seemed to gesture that she sit back down. It was against her nature to be curt in any regard, so she obediently complied.

“Just a word of warning, I’m sure you’ve heard about that delinquent transfer student, yeah?”

Kasumi’s demeanor broke, she could only keep the appearance of contentment for so long. She sighed. “I’ve heard a lot about him.”

Kamoshida smiled, a spiteful turn of his lips hearing the despondency in her voice. It wasn’t for the reason he must have thought it was, she felt now more than ever that she wanted to reach out to whoever this boy was and give him a fair chance. 

“Then I’m sure you know he’s not someone you’d want to hang around with. It could ruin your _spotless reputation_.” 

Kasumi didn’t think she cared about any reputation she had here. If rumors would spread so quickly about someone so new to the school, she couldn’t warrant her reputation as anything other than a flimsy rope the students and staff would hang her with, if provoked. 

“You know, that kid sounds like he has some _serious issues_. I’m shocked we still accepted him here, what with all the claims of—Well...” She became more unsettled than before, she really just wanted to go about her day. Kamoshida however, appeared as if he wasn’t ready to stop his digressing. 

“It’s usually against my better judgement to talk about a student in such a way. But considering how you’re new here and all, I think you should know exactly what kind of person this guy really is.” This may have been crossing the line in terms of ethics. She wasn’t well versed in what teachers were and were not able to tell the students, but this seemed very wrong. 

“Sorry to interrupt, Sir—But aren’t these all just rumors? Surely you can’t take them so... seriously.”

Kamoshida lightly shook his head with a quick exhale. 

“Oh Yoshizawa, you’re so _naïve_.”

The word tempered her down, caused her to clamp her mouth shut, and something about his body language told her he was reveling in it. 

“He’s got a criminal record you know, that’s a fact. It’s not any stretch of the imagination that he’d be capable of doing all those rotten things.”

Was this really so serious that he had to go on like this? Kasumi was told she needed to speak with him about _her_ future at this school, not some lecture about a troublesome transfer student. Perhaps if she kept quiet long enough, he’d get back on track to what she was actually supposed to be here for. She didn’t want to know what this teacher thought this boy did, but he was going to tell her anyway.

“I'm sure you’ve probably heard all that he’s done by now: Murder, theft...” Kamoshida paused for a second, giving her a dark look she wasn’t sure what to make of.

“ _Rape_.” The cold air in this room was really getting to her now, and the subject at hand was only making her shudder all the more. “You’re a pretty girl Yoshizawa, I just want you to be careful who you get to know here. It’d be just a tragedy if you were to end up like—“

“I don’t mean to be rude Mr. Kamoshida, but we’re running a little short on time, and we still haven’t even talked about the honors program I was here for.” Luckily she managed to say this as politely as she possibly could. While he was clearly taken aback by this, he seemed to go along with it. 

He was surely speaking, but she couldn’t focus on his words, what he’d implied to her caused a stirring in her stomach. She should have figured he’d use the death of her sister to get to her. To twist it in such a warped way made her feel nauseous, he really knew nothing about the details of her passing. 

Kasumi wouldn’t hear another word about Sumire from a stranger. Not now, not ever.

There was something about this exchange that put her on edge, why was he telling her this anyway?The way he was speaking to her didn’t feel as though it came from a place of actual concern, and using the implication of Sumire against her came across as if he was toying with her. 

No, she couldn’t prove any of this.

She was letting all these whispers scare her. Kamoshida was probably only saying these things for her safety, even if he came off somewhat... _creepy_. The rest of their time went as it was supposed to, and the second the clock on the wall passed 9:30 she quickly got up from her chair. She wouldn’t let him stop her from leaving again, Kasumi stood and the teacher followed suit.

“Why don’t I walk you out?” This guy was really persistent, but she didn’t say anything more on it. He may have aggravated her before, but it was in her best interest to be polite with him. 

Maybe she did care about that _spotless reputation_ of hers.

-

Leaving the office, they were immediately met with another teacher conversing with a male student. She recognized him right as she saw his face, it was the boy from the train. Running into him again after their first meeting brightened up her day, if only for a mere fraction of a second. Kamoshida quickly interjected before Kasumi had the chance to speak with him.

“ I see you’re already getting on top of the problem I’d mentioned this morning, Ms. Kawakami. I appreciate the support.”  
  
There was something about that casual tone of voice that was getting on her nerves, as if what he just told her didn’t have any effect on him. While he was directly addressing the other teacher, Kasumi took the opportunity she had to quickly say what she needed to the younger man. 

“Thank you again.”

Kamoshida turned his head to her with a raised brow, he seemed almost disappointed. “You know this guy, Yoshizawa?”

That feeling of unease crept up her back again, but she shoved it down as much as she could stand to. There was still so much gratitude she had to give that boy. 

“Yes, he lent me a helping hand earlier.” She tried not to look at Kamoshida, but she could tell he wasn’t too happy with her at the moment 

“I recommend you steer clear of the likes of _him_ , if you have any consideration for your future. Remember the discussion we just had? There are a number of students in this school you shouldn’t get involved with...” 

It was this again. Kasumi had to wonder if she was allowed to get along with anyone at this damned school. 

“This one’s at the top of the list.” 

She started to make the connection, looking at the boy’s plain expression rapidly turn to annoyance made it all click. 

“Oh, the delinquent transfer student...?” Kasumi realized she said this out loud, internally slapping herself for letting such a careless thing slip so easily. 

The teacher he was with looked as if she were at her wits end with this as well.  
“Sorry to interrupt, but I need to use the guidance office.” 

At the very least this wound the situation down, Kamoshida stepped aside  
“Oh, pardon me. We should be going too—don’t want to get in the way guiding this _delinquent_ and all.” The man must have really had a grudge against this transfer student, Kasumi wasn’t quite sure what to believe anymore. 

But...the boy on the train…

He just couldn’t be the person Kamoshida seemed to think he was.

“Please, excuse us.” She bowed to him, avoiding any direct eye contact that she had previously given. 

As she walked away, the story of his misdemeanors began to sound all the more fake. It was probably too soon to say, but the gentle look of his eyes didn’t seem to match the profile of the person they were talking about. She knew trying to defend him by saying this wouldn’t pull the results she hoped it would, Kamoshida would probably just excuse it as her being naïve again. Perhaps she was, but he seemed too much like _him_ to be a delinquent like they said he was. There was certainly a world of difference between the two, that she could already tell, but the kindness she felt from the both of them had to be the same. 

Although, she remained in conflict. Even if the rumors were all wrong, wasn’t Kamoshida right to tell her not to get involved? He was just doing his job, after all. Having any kind of stigma around her would only distract her from what really mattered, she couldn’t let those malicious whispers speak of her if she was going to reach her dream. 

Did she really not care about her reputation? 

Maybe…

Maybe she really should keep her distance for now. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is most definitely a lot of grammatical errors and bizarre wording throughout what I have written so far, so I apologize if it’s distracting. 
> 
> I decided to put down Kasumi in the tags as not to immediately spoil anyone who comes across this, just in case. But there is no subtlety in this fic at all, so just keep in mind that there is implications to the big boy spoilers of this game from the very beginning.


	2. On Conformity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the most I take from p5’s original dialogue. Passed chapter 3, things will start to diverge a lot more. I figured that the beginning could go roughly unchanged though, so this chapter will play it very close to the same as it was in the game. 
> 
> And thanks for the reception, this is the first time I posted one of my works in a very long time. I get nervous putting my stuff out there, but it really does help me get better with my writing.

The fallout of Kamoshida’s confession shook the school in ways she hadn’t quite expected. His crimes alone were enough to keep her up at night. After all the horrible things he said that transfer student had done, he was guilty of himself. She never really believed a word of it, it was so grand and sensationalized in nature that she thought she should’ve known he was lying right through his teeth. 

She wasn’t even a victim, but looking back on it, she very well could’ve been if he had persuaded her. She was so close to coming to the same fate, she was a good girl, she did what adults told her to do. If he had the chance, maybe she really would have been—

“ _Oh Yoshizawa, you’re so naïve._ ” 

_No, that’s enough of that._

To think about it now would only do more harm than good. Kasumi didn’t let her thoughts get caught up in what _could have_ happened. 

Perhaps that was why seeing Maruki again made her feel more at peace with this situation, catching up with him again was the best thing that happened to her in weeks. If it wasn’t for Kamoshida, she doubted they’d meet up so soon. Although, it was probably inappropriate to correlate the two after what that teacher did. She was happy to see him again, if only it wasn’t tied to the awful crimes of an _awful man._

“You’ve been doing so much better for yourself since the last time we spoke.”   
The last time was after Sumire had... 

It was still hard to think about, every time the scene popped up in her mind she had to quickly distract herself. The memory came with terrible agony, and Maruki had even told her to try her best not to think back to it. 

“I guess so, I’ve only been practicing and studying since then, so I don’t have a lot of time for my mind to wander.”

The doctor pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose, leaning closer to her. His eyes seemed to pierce right through her, always looking for an indication of anything off. 

“That’s wonderful to hear, Kasumi.” He’d only call her by her first name when they were alone, she’d thought it was a tactic to make her feel more open to him. It must have worked, if he was able to get her back on his couch. 

He’d never brought up Sumire on his own, it was something he must have known not to say lightly around her. She wanted to honor her sister's memory, but the memory was too painful for her to ever really think through. The simple name Sumire would give her the most persistent migraine. It was probably better to not think any more of it, to avoid any further pain it’d cause. 

“That man though...” Kamoshida was the reason she was here after all, not Sumire. 

“I—I feel bad that I ever listened to him, he said some horrible things about...”  
A friend? An acquaintance? He was a _stranger_. She didn’t even know that boy’s name, to think about him as if he was someone she cared for was a bit preemptive.   
  
And so it may have been _preemptive_ , but the lies Kamoshida spread about him were what was truly vexing to her. To accuse a student of what _he did_ , disturbed her on an intimate level. It wasn’t something she understood herself, but it was the only explanation she had. 

“...I didn’t believe the rumors on their own, I just never thought a teacher would be capable of something so terrible. I didn’t think he would lie to me.”  
  
Maruki seemed intrigued, the accounts he’d heard about Kamoshida were probably all related to his abuse or sexual harassment of the female students.Kasumi managed to get out of that, so why did she feel she so personally bothered? 

Because of what could have happened? 

What she had _let_ happen? 

“What did he say?” The doctor's tone of voice was even softer than usual, carefully stepping around the sorry state her mind had been in.

What didn’t he accuse that poor boy of? Even when she didn’t necessarily buy into them, she lived her life here as if they were true. All for that spotless reputation Kamoshida had praised her for. 

“I guess...it doesn’t really matter now, does it?”

If she hadn’t taken Kamoshida’s advice, If she talked to the transfer student like she wanted to, if she hadn’t run away, she wouldn’t feel as guilty as she did now. 

“I just went along with it. With everything he said.” 

She was a model student, she had to _act_ like one.

“In the end, I didn’t want to be like the troublemakers he kept warning me about.” 

Her thoughts betrayed her actions, and anyone she could have saved by standing with her virtues were thrown aside for her own benefit. 

Kasumi really wasn’t herself lately. 

* * *

“I saw Dr. Maruki a couple weeks ago. I thought that maybe you wanted to hear that.” 

Her father did seem surprised by it, his eyes going wide and a smile forming on his face. His expedience to get to work on time was momentarily stalled by her news. 

“That's-that's terrific, honey!” He haphazardly threw his coat on, awkwardly stumbling toward Kasumi as if she had actually done something amazing. 

“How was it? Are you starting to feel any better?” 

Kasumi shook him off.

“I’m fine, Dad. “ 

His excitement seemed somewhat unwarranted, she was doing well for herself for sometime now. Kamoshida may have caused her some nights of unrest, but she was great now. As great as she usually was. 

“He works at our school now, so I can see him whenever I want. That’s what you wanted,right?” She was caught up getting ready for school herself, she had to rush there to grab her gym clothes for the cleanup at the park today. 

“I just want what’s best for you, do you understand me, _Kasumi?”_ She gave him a quizzical look, she wasn’t too sure why he was talking to her as if she were a child, but she let it slide. 

“Loud and clear, _Dad_.” She put the same emphasis on his name as he did hers, and the smile he had was gone from his face in an instant. 

“I see...you should try and visit him as much as you can. Anything to make you better again.“ He took a quick glance at his wristwatch before letting out a sigh. 

“I’ve got to go, but make sure you talk to him again, okay?” 

With a sullen smile she nodded. Kasumi didn’t know what was going on with him recently, maybe his grief for Sumire had caused him to worry about her in tandem. It wasn’t a shock to her, she was the only daughter he had left. If it would make him worry less, perhaps she ought to make a habit of talking to Maruki. 

—

It was distraction after distraction today. She had to be on her way to school, but was quickly intercepted by a stranger as she left the station. His demeanor began to remind her of how Kamoshida talked to her, so _sickeningly sweet_. 

_“You new around here?”_

_“It’s not everyday you see such a cute girl by herself”_

_“Maybe I could show you around?”_

Unfortunately for her, he didn’t seem to have as much tact. Leaving all subtleties aside, he made his intentions obvious. This was too much for her to handle right now, after everything that happened earlier this month, she couldn’t be less prepared for such a flirty stranger. 

Hadn’t she dealt with this before? Why did it always freeze her up when she was faced with this kind of behavior? If this had happened two months ago she would have walked away by now, but his aggression slowed her. 

_It would be quite rude just to ignore him_

Still, she wanted any excuse to escape this man’s badgering. She knew what he wanted, and the ideation of it was paralyzing her.

“Sorry, but I’m in a bit of hurry.”

Her luck was very bad lately, the man that approached her wasn’t about to give up.

“ You go to Shujin right? “ The tone of his voice made her stomach turn. 

_God, just let this be over._

“I’ve heard things have been rough around there lately, what with that violent accident. You wanna go talk about it somewhere?”

She wasn’t going to let this happen again, having an adult take advantage of her as if she were just an object. Even then, she felt cold, scared to death of where this might lead if she was as careless as she had been with Kamoshida. 

“Thank you for your concern. However, _I really am in a hurry_ , so if you’d excuse me...”  
She wouldn’t take it like she did before, she had already learned that lesson. Her words were as courteous as usual, but her cadence was more threatening than she thought possible. As she walked away from the man, he swiftly grabbed on to her wrist with no consideration of how tightly he was holding her. 

A gasp escaped her lips as she struggled to break free of his iron grip, but he was a lot stronger than she was. This was all becoming very _real_. The more she pulled back the harder he tried to reel her in. Kasumi’s jittering movement caused quite the crowd of onlookers, simply standing by as this all happened to her.

“C’mon, there’s no need to be shy.” 

Kasumi looked at the people around them, gawking at the scene, no one there to jump in, they only whispered like they always did. Her heart started to pound, she felt like she was on the verge of a meltdown.

“Like I said...” Her words were weaker now, almost tearful. Everyone was staring at her with such amused eyes, she didn’t feel like this could get any more humiliating.

It could. She knew it could, if Kamoshida taught her anything it was to stop being such a naive little girl. The thought had her roughly jutt backward, but the man wouldn’t let her out of his grasp. 

“If you’re busy, I’ll put my number in your phone so you can call me later. Sound like a plan?” 

This situation was only escalating, she just wanted to hide from all the eyes, peering right through her as if she caused this, as if she was asking for this. 

“ _Stop it!_ ” She felt her breath hitch, but she spoke hardly above a whisper. She didn’t want it, but causing a greater commotion would be worse, wouldn’t it? She would take it lying down if push really came to shove; that was what she _did_ , how she handled these issues.

Tears misted in her eyes, and she thought for a moment she couldn’t breathe. The whispers only grew louder in her ears, as if to tell her just to go along with him and stop making such a damn racket. 

“Hey.”

A different voice rang out. Kasumi looked up to see a familiar face right beside her, and she felt the faintest hope return to her. That _troublesome_ transfer student had come to her rescue.

“What do you want?” The man’s cadence was darker, his fingers clawing deeper into her skin now that someone actually stepped in. Kasumi let out a sharp gasp in response, and the transfer student looked as if he were tempted to physically intervene. 

“You’re hurting her.” The younger man’s voice was composed, but there was something else behind his calm demeanor. 

The other male scoffed as he finally let go of her wrist with a harsh shove.  
“Don’t get worked up. I’m just being friendly here.”

She was stunned for a moment, looking at the red patch of skin that was sure to bruise by tomorrow, but she felt grateful that it didn’t get any worse than that. Her gaze was soon caught on who she could only call her savior, transfixed on every detail of his face, if only just to ground her. 

“Didn’t look that way to me.”

Kasumi took the opportunity to hide behind the taller boy, she tried to breathe, put herself back together before she started crying around someone that was a stranger to her.

“What the—“ The older man turned his sights to Kasumi again, his tone with her immediately becoming hostile. “What’re you getting so jumpy about? Like you’re anything special!”

She could feel her heart rate slow down as the man stomped off. She released a shuddered breath, leaning into her senpai’s shoulder as he took a second glance back at her.

“Uhm—“

His voice brought her back from her thoughts, suddenly making her realize just how close she had gotten to him. Kasumi jolted back, her hands restlessly trying to find a place to belong.

“Thank you so much! I’m sorry for the trouble!”

The transfer student didn’t seem to be very troubled, if only just concerned for her well being. “Are you okay?”

The girl nodded, feeling the adrenaline slowly fading from her system. “Yes, I’m fine now! It was...pretty scary though.” 

Her sights fell to the ground, she didn’t think a thousand thanks could be enough to express her gratitude to him, she felt saved in some small part. Kasumi had to wonder why it was always him though, like some stroke of fate bringing them together, and yet she didn’t even know his name. But she had a better question for him now, something she was trying to figure out how to word correctly. 

“...I uhm— May I ask you something?”

The upperclassman tilted his head up, and she went over her lines one more time before reciting them.

“So...what made you step in to help me?” 

If no one else was going to save her, she wondered why a boy only a year her senior would try to. Shujin’s resident _delinquent_ , at that.

“I couldn’t look the other way.” His answer was so immediate it honestly surprised her. Kasumi hardly knew this boy, but his brevity often caught her off guard. 

“I...see.”

His actions seemed to paint him in the opposite light than what the rumors about him did. She already knew they weren’t true, why did she keep going back to this? 

“Well, I apologize for asking something so _strange_. You’re headed to the cleanup as well, right? “ 

_The cleanup…_

She was so lost in her own mind, she wasn’t sure if she actually said that last bit out loud or not. A part of her had a hunch the man harassing her took up more time than she first initially thought he did.She took a quick look at her phone and let out a deep gasp.

“Look at the time!” Kasumi turned her head to her senpai, disappointed she didn’t have any more time to speak with him. “I’m so sorry, I haven’t even thanked you properly yet!”

Pleasantries always came first in her family, but she still had to hop on a train to Aoyama-Itchome. Like always it seemed her time with him was cut abruptly short. She hoped she had the chance to run into him again. 

“I’ll see you at the cleanup, soon. We could talk more then, if you’d like.”  
  
Her mind was going a mile fast, and as she walked passed she had forgotten to say her goodbyes.Kasumi turned around to face him with a bow.  
  
“Pardon me.” 

As she was finally alone, her mind drifted back to the transfer student, almost always there to help her out of bind. He really did save her, she wasn’t sure what she would do if he hadn’t intervened. If this really was fate putting them together, she was praying for it to continue. 

—

The cleanup went about as well as she thought it would. Many of her teammates brushed her off as they always did, and she was left to aimlessly find what she could do on her own. At the very least the worst was over, and the student council president had announced soup would be served very soon. She had skipped breakfast this morning, so the hunger was slowly gnawing at her all this time. She just needed to hold out for a little while. 

Kasumi huffed, blowing a stray piece of hair on her forehead to the side. Why did it have to be like this though? She used to be so popular in middle school, now it was the end of May and she hadn’t made a single friend in her new school. Kasumi didn’t think much of it before, but seeing everyone chatting with each other started to make her feel left out. Maybe it was the extensive training that had gotten in the way, she hadn’t exactly put forth the time to make any friends here herself. If she wasn’t at practice, she was studying, so she supposed it really was her own fault for not being so social. 

It just—didn’t make sense, Kasumi had always been so quick to make friends. Before the accident, she had so many fellow gymnasts talking to her at any given day. Ever since then though, they had never tried to reach out to her. She understood why it must have been so awkward, but she really felt like she could have used a friend to get through this rough patch in her life. Perhaps what they had wasn’t a true friendship, maybe they only wanted to hang around because of her talents. 

Kasumi had to move on, she couldn’t keep thinking of the past. The lonely girl took a look around the park, she did want to speak to that boy again, didn’t she? It was sad to say, but he was the closest she came to having a friend at Shujin, and she knew next to nothing about him.

The meows of a stray cat caught her attention. When she came toward it, she managed to spot the boy she was searching for sitting down at a bench. 

“Oh—“ She couldn’t stop herself from making her presence known, if by loneliness or a genuine desire to actually get to know him.

“I’ve finally found you.” Her cadence seemed much happier than she was feeling only a moment ago, but this stranger happened to have that effect on her. “I was trying to find you so I could thank you properly for this morning. “

The unpleasantness of the situation was out weighed by that boy’s will to help her, so she didn’t think of it as a bad memory she had to avoid. Turning her head to the surrounding area, she saw that he was also left to fend for himself. 

“So...where’d the other people in your group go? “ She figured she already knew the answer, seeing as the rumors about him were still being spoken in hushed tones around the school. 

“They ditched me.” The boy sighed, leaning his face into the palm of his hand. Even if his body language spelled out his disappointment, his voice was cold and devoid of much emotion at all. 

“Ah...I see.” Kasumi could relate, it appeared as if no one wanted to hang around her either. “...I’m in pretty much the same situation.”

She brushed back her bangs, trying hard not to let her feelings get the better of her. However, now seemed like a fine opportunity to change that.  
  
“If it’s alright with you, why don’t we eat our soup together?”

He briefly took a look at his school bag before going back to her 

“Sure.”

She found it almost amazing how he was able to keep his expression so blank all the time. Between that and the glasses obscuring his face, it was extremely hard to tell what he was thinking. 

“Great!” In contrast, Kasumi was very much someone who wore her heart on her sleeve. 

She could hardly contain her excitement that she actually had the time to speak with him. She offered to go get his bowl for him to show her appreciation, and while he initially refused, Kasumi had her ways of persuasion. As she came back she handed him his portion and sat beside him.

She took a quick spoonful of soup into her mouth, nearly forgetting how hungry she’d been all morning. She nervously swallowed as she turned to the transfer student.

“I want to thank you again for this morning. That man was even more frightening than he might have appeared to you...” 

To think about what would happen if he didn’t show up still caused a chill to creep up her spine. 

“So I truly appreciate what you did for me! Thank you so much!” 

It was only now that she could see him clearly, his eyes seemed to appraise her in a quick second.

“Don’t worry about it, it was nothing.” His flat way of speaking was coming across as more of like a quirk to her, she gave him a wide grin as she went on.

“Sorry, but I’m not even finished!”

They’d probably make quite the pair, with her over excited ramblings and his brief, subdued responses. 

She couldn’t help but let her mind go back even farther than this morning.

_That’s right...what Kamoshida told her._

“Uhm...There’s one more issue I need to address.” It wasn’t exactly comfortable for her to keep remembering him, but she wouldn’t feel right if she never said her peace about this.  
  


“I’m also so sorry for what happened the other day!”

The boy she was sitting next to appeared to be perplexed, something different from his typical blank expression. “The other day...?”

It was a while ago, she understood if it was nothing to him, but it was a thought that just kept coming back to her. 

“...The run-in we had outside of the guidance office. Mr. Kamoshida had just told me about you a moment prior, so I sorta spoke without thinking there...”

She squared her shoulders, trying to rid herself of that guilt that clung so persistently to her. “I heard some of my classmates gossiping about you, too.”

She heard him breathe as he shifted his sights away.  
“Were you disappointed?”

In that second, he seemed genuinely vulnerable.

“No, nothing of the sort.”

While she wasn’t lying, she wasn’t exactly telling the truth either. Even when she thought all the rumors were ridiculous, she was dictated by them. Aware that they were all lies, yet she went about her day being wary of him anyway. She didn’t think she could explain that to him. 

Kasumi shook her head

“I don’t like gossip or rumors and the like. And I know this’ll sound strange since I just met you, but you don’t seem like the kind of person they described.”

Her encounter with him this morning proved to her that he wasn’t, he was just a victim of a terrible rumor that got out of hand. And as strong as he presented himself, she was under the impression the weight of this had gotten to him. The younger girl tried to lighten the mood, play it all off so he wouldn’t feel as if he was being judged. 

“It would be different if those rumors were all true, though. What were all the crimes I heard? Burglary, murder,and...elephant tusk trafficking, was it?” She intentionally left out the most depraved of what she heard about him. It all seemed so silly now, but in the end she wasn’t the one stuck with such an awful label.

“I drive without a license too.”  
Well, maybe he was being a good sport about this. 

Kasumi giggled and brushed her fingers through her bangs. “Even I can tell you're joking.” 

She thought she could make out the faintest sign of a smile on his face, and she felt like she was finally making a friend. A friend that she hadn’t known the name of yet. Wait, he probably had no clue what her name was either. 

“You know what, it just hit me—I haven’t introduced myself yet!” Kasumi pulled herself forward with the realization, but the words caught in her throat long enough for the transfer student to speak up.

“I’m Kurusu, a second year.” It was back to his direct way of speech, but there was something about it that made him seem so honest. “Ah—Akira Kurusu.”  
  


So she finally had the name to match the face. She felt bad just referring to him as ‘that transfer student. 

“Oh, I’m sorry to make you go first Kurusu-senpai.”

Though she had to admit, she was dying to know what to call him all this time. 

“I believe you’ve already learned from our meeting at school that my—“

Kasumi stopped herself, noticing a little girl had lost her grip on the balloon she was carrying. She hadn’t taken the time to think about this before she was already in the process of jumping off the side of the bench to grab the balloon, and rolling to catch herself. The little girl approached her with amazement glowing in her eyes.

“I got it just in time!” Kasumi gave the girl a wink before handing her balloon back.

“Here you are. Don’t let go of things you like, okay?”

The girl beamed at her before walking off with a smile. 

She walked back to Kurusu on the bench with an apologetic wave, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to run out on you like that.”

His eyes were fixed on a journal he held in his hands. “So, you’re Kasumi Yoshizawa?”

Oh. That must have been _her_ journal.

“I guess you sleuthed me out before I got to tell you.” She clasped her hands together and shifted her weight to one side. “Well, you’ve cracked the case—I’m Kasumi Yoshizawa, a first-year!” 

Those eyes of his seemed to go right back to assessing her. 

“That was impressive.” He stretched his arm out to hand her the notebook, she took it back from him and held it close to her person. 

“You mean that back there? Oh, it was just some basic gymnastics. It’s not that difficult once you get the hang of it— it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump.”

Kurusu was suddenly distracted, she heard some muffled meows of a cat again and tried to peer around for any sign of it. She settled to look back at him, he seemed as if he was pondering something.

“What’s the matter Kurusu-senpai? Is there a cat somewhere around here?”

The transfer student leaned back on the bench and caught her gaze.  
“Can you teach me that stuff?”

Kasumi was surprised to be hearing that from him, but she was elated he was intrigued by her special hobby. Something inside her felt so light when she was speaking with him, something she hadn’t truly felt in so long.  
  
“Does that mean you’re interested in gymnastics? That makes me so happy! I’d be honored if you’d allow me!”

Although, this did seem like a great opportunity to get something out of this for herself. 

“The only problem is...I have a favor to ask for myself as well—if you wouldn’t mind. Lately I haven’t been getting the results I want out of my performances, and I’m worried that I might be overthinking things...” 

With everything that had been going wrong in her life, it wasn’t exactly any surprise to her the way she was always failing. 

“So it would be wonderful if you could give me some advice whenever you have the time.”

Perhaps extra feedback was all she needed. At least, she hoped that was all she needed.

Kurusu tilted his head to one side.  
“You want _my_ advice?”

Kasumi gave him a smile and leaned in toward him  
“Sure I do. I’d love it if you were willing to lend me an ear from time to time.”

In the back of her head, she was hoping he’d hear her out on more than just her hiccups with gymnastics. 

She heard that cat again, and she began to wonder if every time Kurusu was lost in thought, it would manifest into a slew of cat meows. 

He really was so strange. 

“We have a deal.” He finally said, crossing his arms.

“Y-yessir! “ She tried to fit his commanding tone, but she could hardly take it too seriously. “Wait...That’s a little overboard. But, I promise! I’ll glean as much as I can! “

Kasumi pulled out her phone from her pocket “Oh, why don’t we exchange contact information?”

She tried to open her phone from the home screen, but it remained black with no indication of it even being on. 

Not this again. This phone had been severely damaged ever since—

That headache started to come back full force, she inhaled and looked to Kurusu again.

“It shut down...Sorry, my smartphone’s been acting up lately.”

Her father had said he would get it replaced soon, but she wondered what happened for it to get like this so suddenly. She tried again, pressing the buttons on the side, hoping she could turn it back on. Her eyes curiously flitted back up to Kurusu as she waited for it to respond, but she still couldn’t get a grasp on what was going on in his mind. Kasumi only hoped she made a good first impression, it was so cliche of her to think this, but that mysterious aura he had was drawing her in. Maybe she’d learn something about him too, he had been so vague and evasive in his responses, there wasn’t much she could conclude in terms of his personality. 

Again, he had caught her staring, and again it felt like he was seeing right through her. The display screen finally lit up as she felt her heart start to beat faster than normal.

She giggled as she lifted her head back up. “ It’s back! Okay, I’ll contact you when I’ve got free time, if that’s fine!”

Kurusu held out his phone for her to take, and she awkwardly mirrored his gesture. This wasn’t something she usually did, at least this felt so new to her. And she didn’t want to invade his privacy by any means, but seeing his short list of contacts made her feel like they had something in common. 

_Dad, Mom, Kitagawa Yusuke, Mishima Yuki, Sakamoto Ryuji, Sakura Sojiro, Takamaki Ann, Takemi Medical Clinic, and that was it?_

She nearly laughed to herself as she made a new contact on his phone. This was one more for him, Yoshizawa Kasumi. She tapped an option for a photo and brought the phone up to her face, giving her best smile as she snapped the picture.

As she put down his phone, she saw him staring this time.

“Oh—I hope you don’t mind. I just thought it would be helpful. If you forget my name, you could always remember my face instead.” 

Kurusu gave a slight nod of his head “I think I’ll pass on my end.”

Was it possible he was shy? He was incredibly quiet and reserved through all their meetings, but she never thought about him being anti-social.

Maybe he just needed a push in the right direction.

“C’mon, I can take your picture for you!” 

He was hesitant, his hand rubbing the back of his neck as he let out a scoff.  
“Is my name that forgettable?” 

She couldn’t forget it if she tried. Kasumi wasn’t sure what made him have this lasting impression on her, but she was happy to have made a friend out of him. As he handed back her phone, she pulled up her camera app

“Pretty please, Kurusu-senpai?” 

He let out a short breath, before giving her that faint smile again. “Make it quick.”

She did as he told her, pressing the shutter button before he was even ready. Looking back at the picture, she couldn’t help but laugh. 

Kurusu seemed concerned, but she soon showed him how it turned out. 

“I think that blank expression suits you _perfectly_.”

He lightly shoved her phone away with a shake of his head and a smile daring to peak out of his composed façade. “You really had to take it while I was mid-blink?”

She had to admit, he looked completely _out of it_ in that photo.  
“You said to make it quick!” 

Kasumi liked this kind of playful banter, she got so wrapped up in the feeling she had barely heard the student council president’s announcement start over her megaphone. She quieted herself down as she let the other girl finish what she had to say. 

“...Well, the cleanup seems to be finished. Since we’re already in our gym clothes, would you care for some basic training before heading home?” 

Kurusu hadn’t verbally responded, but he looked like he was interested. As he stood up, she started to believe things were finally working out for her. Kasumi could surpass this turbulent time in her life, all she needed was a little faith.


	3. On Moving Forward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since Sumi doesn’t have a lot of other characters to interact with, I’m taking the liberty of fleshing out her relationship with Akechi a lot more.  
> Edit: I've reformatted the previous chapters, along with clearing up some grammatical errors.

Kasumi felt a little on edge whenever she had to be idle like this, but her father had asked her to come with him to the studio. She didn’t _hate_ spending her weekends with him, the extra family bonding between them suggested to her he was doing better for himself too. With that in mind, she couldn’t turn him down with a clear conscience. Yet still, as he ran off somewhere to leave her alone in her thoughts, she felt as though her small amount of free time had been completely stolen from her. Being stuck with absolutely nothing to do just may have been the perfect punishment for her. There was still so much practice she had to do. Kurusu was great company, but her time with him recently hadn’t given her any grand revelation on what she should change about her methodology. 

On the two occasions she had set aside some time to train him, he was so... _clumsy_ . She didn’t want to laugh at him for being new to gymnastics, but it was kind of cute seeing a boy his size stumble and fall with most basic of movements. It wasn’t as if he was entirely hopeless, only dealing with a steep learning curve. Kasumi made sure to restrain herself from telling him how strange he looked trying to mimic her, but the simple thought of it now began to crack her up. She lost count on how many times she had to catch him, and it was hard to tell, but she thought she _might_ have embarrassed him by the rate she came to his rescue.

However, with how many times he struggled to keep up with her instruction, he never gave up. She thought that his iron will made him all the more interesting, and she was happy to see he was as dedicated to getting the steps down as much as she was. Kasumi had to hide her face as she waited for her father to return, she really would start laughing in public if she kept thinking about this. 

It was a pleasant change of pace, though. The stress she felt before began to ebb away with her recollection. It hadn’t been too long since they had officially met each other, but his presence in her life made her sadness seem so far away. Her father took notice of this too, commenting on how he was glad she was beginning to come out of her slump. She had to wonder if he was onto something, if meeting that boy really turned her life around already. 

She looked around for her father again, surely he had to be on his way back now. He told her to stay put as he went to talk with his supervisor, but he had been gone for nearly twenty minutes and she was wondering what was taking him so long. Kasumi didn’t have the patience to stay here all day, but she didn't have the nerve to go out and search for him past this room. She had never been so bashful before, but for some reason the hundreds of new faces petrified her. Looking at the time wasn’t much help, it was past afternoon now and if her father didn’t hurry back, there would be no daylight left for her to train.

Perhaps this would be somewhat bearable if Kurusu was here with her, but everyone that passed her were busy adults. If she couldn’t put her time into training, she didn’t want to just sit alone for the rest of the day. Maruki had advised her to avoid this kind of idleness, he knew intimately well of how quickly her own mind could turn on her. She pulled out her phone on instinct, checking if there were any messages she missed while she was waiting. Of course, nothing. It wasn’t as if she had many friends, or really anyone that wanted to speak to her. Come to think of it, she really only had _one_ friend. 

“Excuse me for saying so, but you seem _quite_ out of your element here. “

Kasumi lifted her head up to the unfamiliar voice, her eyes met with a boy that looked to be around her age. She thought she recognized his face, he was a young detective that was being interviewed today.

“Oh, I’m just waiting for my father to come back. So...you must be that detective prince everyone’s been talking about lately.”

The boy gave her a gentle smile before stretching out his arm to her. She took his hand and he gave her a firm shake. “Yes, that’s right. It’s Goro Akechi, by the way.” 

Something told her he must have been bored as well to approach her. She tried to smile as sincerely as she could muster.   
“Well it’s very nice to meet you Akechi-san, I’m Kasumi Yoshizawa. “

Akechi’s composed face broke for a moment.  
“Kasumi...?” The detective said this under his breath, seemingly questioning if he heard her right. 

“Is something the matter?”

He took a moment to respond, shaking his head. 

“No, no, it’s only that—I think I remember hearing that name in the news. Yes, it was sometime last spring...”

Her sister's passing was closed very quickly as an accident, but it didn’t surprise her that a detective would know about a case like hers. Kasumi’s eyebrows knit together as she tossed her gaze away from Akechi’s analytical stare. 

“I see...I—I must have come up in the stories, then. My—uhm, my sister died in a tragic accident around that time.”

The older boy didn’t have much of a reaction to this, only nodding his head as he drew back.

“I’m starting to remember now. I’m so sorry for your loss, Yoshizawa-san. I didn’t intend on bringing up any _unpleasant_ memories.” He wrapped his fingers around his chin as he regarded her further, giving her the same look of appraisal that Kurusu had when they first met. 

“That must have been why I recognized you. It was certainly a—Ah, perhaps I should change the topic.” 

Kasumi couldn’t agree more. She brushed her fingers through her bangs as she tried to move on from the thoughts stirring in her head, it was her only way forward. 

Akechi eyed her as if he were suddenly interested.   
“So, what brings you to the studio anyway, you don’t see too many students on set.”

Akechi seemed fairly _different_ , she could imagine how the death of a person would become a casual thing in his line of work. Although she wasn’t certain how she felt about him bringing it up so easily around her.

“My father works here, he thought it might be good for me to come with him for the day so— here I am!”  
The nervous laugh she had probably sounded too forced, and to the piercing gaze of Akechi, she must have looked that much worse. 

“Well, it appears as if he’s left you on your own for the time being. I have quite a lot of time to kill myself actually, you see— I was supposed to have an interview here this evening, but I managed to show just a bit _too_ early.” 

Part of her was glad that he decided to talk with her, she wasn’t sure when her father would come by again. Just standing around was beginning to drive her insane, and she was hoping she could make the detective stay just a little longer. 

“Well, since we’re both here, why don’t we try to pass the time together? “ 

Maybe she was desperate for another friend, wherever they could potentially show up didn’t matter. Kasumi had heard a lot of Akechi’s achievements through word of mouth, so she had to admit she was the smallest bit intrigued by him. Although, in comparison, she would hardly be as exciting as he was. The thought began to grate at her as the detective finally made his reply.

“Of course, do you like coffee Yoshizawa-san? I had to pass on it this morning for my case work. “

His acceptance shouldn’t have excited her as much as it did, but she was able to give him a genuine smile as they went along with each other.

-

The detective certainly had no end to the amazing stories he would tell her. Such extravagant tales she could hardly believe were true, but Akechi was surely a cut above all the rest. His life never seemed boring at any turn, well...with the exception of earlier this afternoon. 

All she had was a dream, no adventures like he did, it was simple as the cup of coffee she held in her hands—yet so much more bitter. 

“Oh, I’ve been rambling on again, haven’t I? Well, how about you Yoshizawa-san? What do you do while you aren’t aimlessly waiting for your father?”

Kasumi didn’t think she could compete with his glorious career, but she was proud of the work she had done in her own right.

“I’m a gymnast, I’ve been working at it ever since I was a little girl. I made a promise to my sister that I’d win internationally for her, so I don’t leave much room for anything outside of my own training. “

She had to wonder why she was divulging that personal detail to someone she just met. Perhaps there was a part of her that wanted someone else to know something—anything about her. She didn’t want to be _faceless_ anymore, and his profession made her feel at ease that he wouldn’t simply look down on her because of her past. 

“I’m sure she would be very proud of you. “

Kasumi offered a warm smile in response, but the young detective averted his gaze upon seeing it.

Maybe she was too forward. She hadn’t said too much about her sister, what was left to say anyhow? Would she be proud of the mess Kasumi had become without her? 

She narrowly had given a thought about what her sister would think of her now. Memories of their childhood together were starting to become a blur the longer she evaded thinking back to that day. It was better that way, she could keep her promise if she stayed focused. Yet, she did have moments like these where she couldn’t let go. Her persistent ghost loomed over Kasumi, all while she tried to live as if she never existed at all. 

“Akechi-san...What was it that made you come up to me in the first place?”

He mentioned he recognized her, but she didn’t remember being on T.V. at all. 

“I suppose I mistook you for someone else.”

She was beginning to grow tired of all the vague responses she was getting from boys her age. The detective took a sip of his coffee before gently setting it back down 

“Or perhaps, you’re exactly who I think you are, Kasumi.”

The sly way he said her first name caught her off guard, she couldn’t glean a meaning to what he was implying. Akechi picked up on her unease, clarifying himself.

“Oh, I don’t mean to suspect you of anything. The reason why I approached you was because of...” He paused, as if to choose his words carefully.  
“ _Professional curiosity._ ” 

Curiosity? For her? The only thing she had going for her was gymnastics, why would a detective have any interest in a girl like her? 

“I—I’m really not all that fascinating. I’m just an athlete...”

Akechi was staring at her again, like he was reading every muscle twitch in her face, quietly judging her every movement in the span of a second. “On the contrary.” 

She shut her mouth, she was better off not ruining this moment for herself. Akechi was the important one here, there was nothing to Kasumi—she was…

...She wasn’t exactly sure at the moment. 

The detective grabbed her attention as he addressed her once again.  
“There’s just one thing I’d like to ask, if you wouldn’t mind. Something that was bothering me about your sister’s—“

Kasumi heard the distant voice of her father call to her before she had the chance to let Akechi finish his question. She anxiously turned her head to find him, he sounded beyond worried. 

_Deathly afraid, hysterical, even._

The tone of voice brought her to a time she would rather leave buried in the past. A single breath left her lips before she checked her phone. It shut off again. 

“I’m so sorry! “ She all too sporadically bowed to Akechi, stammering herself over the edge of the fencing at the café. She could relax a little when she spotted her father, but his face looked the same as it did that day. Of course he’d panic.

She waved him over, and the way his expression softened as he saw her nearly brought her over the edge she was leaning on. 

“ _Kasumi!_ ” 

Making a scene must not have even crossed his mind as he ran to her, hands shaking as he held onto her shoulders like he hadn’t seen her in years. 

“I was looking everywhere for you! When you weren’t answering your phone I—I thought you—“

Kasumi gave her father a squeeze to his arm to ground him back to reality.  
“I’m alright, Dad. My phone died, so I didn’t get any of your calls. I’m so sorry for scaring you.”

Her father took a while to quell his hyperventilating, taking in the sight of her as he let himself smile.  
“I should get that replaced soon, I...I’m glad you’re safe.”

He looked around her to see Akechi, his expression reflecting a fair bit of embarrassment.  
“I’ll be waiting... _over there_ , when you’re ready to go.”

Kasumi caught his meaning immediately.  
“Dad—“ Before she could get another word out, he had let her go and wandered off to the place he pointed to. 

With a sigh, she turned back to Akechi. “I’m sorry! He’s usually not like that at all!”

The detective let out a slight chuckle, propping up his chin on his hand.  
“No worries, I understand. I assume you’ll be going then? “

She reluctantly nodded, wishing they had the time to finish their conversation.  
“It was very nice meeting you Akechi-san! Maybe we’ll bump into each other again sometime?”

With any luck, he’d be as frequent as Kurusu was in chance encounters. She went to take her bag off the table, but Akechi had swiftly put his hand out to get her to look back at him. 

“Before you go, I was wondering if you could tell me your sister’s name? “ 

The topic made her freeze in place, she really didn’t like saying it out loud.  
“Sumire...Her name was Sumire.”

Akechi raised his brows, but stood up to shake her hand in farewell.  
“Thank you for talking with me, Yoshizawa-san. Our chat was... _enlightening_. “

When he pulled away he gave her a small smile, briefly switching his gaze to the table and then back up. “I should get going myself, it’s about time for that interview, after all. If you’ll excuse me...”

The detective gave a slight wave of his hand before disappearing into the building adjacent to them. Kasumi’s eyes went back to her bag, but as she looked down she found a white piece of paper with a number and small note next to it. 

_Let’s talk again, soon._

She felt herself smile as she pocketed the scrap of paper. She was sure this would be worth a lot to one of his adoring fans, but to her it was just something pleasant to end the day with. While she wasn’t sure if she thought of him as a friend yet, any company was appreciated.

-

Her father’s smile was suspicious. After what he saw back there, she thought she might have known what was going on in his head. 

“What’s up?”

He let out a brief chuckle as he pulled up his glasses. “Are you friends with that Detective Akechi? I never knew...”

Kasumi shook her head with an exasperated sigh, “We just met today. That’s all.”

She knew this walk to the car would be awkward, but this was on a level she wasn’t expecting.  
“Well, you seemed to be enjoying yourself. How old is he again?”

This happened every time he saw her with a boy. While she was thankful he wasn’t always this overprotective, he was definitely _nosy_.

“Dad...”

“Yes, I’m sure he’s a gentleman, I’m only saying you should be careful.”

Kasumi gave a light slap to her father's arm.“We barely know each other!”

“Sorry, sorry. You prefer that other boy, don’t you?” 

She could really feel the heat in her face hit a boil now. “ _Dad!_ ”

* * *

Rain wasn’t something she remembered being so scared of before this awful year, now breathing the humid air summer brought begged her not to move a single inch forward.If this couldn’t be any worse, she neglected to bring an umbrella despite this weather being in the forecast for days.

A distraction was in dire need. Kasumi pulled out her phone from her bag, still frightened to step any further away from the protection of the school. Ever since the day she met that detective boy, she had a message just waiting to finally be sent to him. It had been repeatedly edited and reworded and left to collect dust until she had the courage to press enter.

_Hello, Akechi-san!_

_This is Kasumi Yoshizawa, from the other day._

_I’m contacting you so you can have my number as well._

_Maybe we could meet up again, sometime?_

She tapped her thumb over the backspace to delete the last sentence. It felt too brazen to outright ask him for a date. Well, perhaps it wasn’t exactly accurate to call it a date.

Kasumi was known for her boldness, but recently she had been losing that fearless touch of hers. Akechi was hard at work with the whole Phantom Thieves ordeal, she wondered if it would be best to respect his personal space. Besides, the detective seemed much more interested in her sister. That should not have surprised her given his apt title, but it still left a bitter taste in her mouth. Sumire would probably be over the moon if she heard someone asking for her rather than Kasumi. 

Still, this could be a good chance to clear her head from the incident. Police were supposed to bring peace of mind to the public, even if Sumire wasn’t murdered—

Kasumi shook her head. It wasn’t right to think of this situation so coldly.  
  
The thought of her sister gave her back the courage she had lost. Whether it was out of reverence, or a particularly inappropriate bout of envy, she dared not answer. 

_We didn’t finish our conversation last time we talked, would you like to continue where we left off?  
  
Do you mind if we meet in person? __  
__  
_ _We could have coffee again, if you’d like._

Kasumi pressed send before any doubts could stop her. Her heart started to pound, every typed word hanging heavy on her conscience. Was this really something to be worked up over? At any other time this wouldn’t be as nerve racking, reaching out to a stranger wasn’t exactly unfamiliar to her. Akechi seemed so kind, kind like Maruki was, there truly wasn’t a reason to fear. And yet she kept looking at the message she could never take back, wondering if he was doing the same.

The thought caused her chest to tighten, and she instinctively locked her phone and shoved it back into her bag. If this was how she dealt with meeting new people now, she wasn’t sure how she was going to make it through the rest of her life. 

Kasumi looked to the sky, hidden by the billowy dark grey clouds. She should run to the train station to avoid getting completely drenched. The very idea was dreadful, but staying out here any longer would drive her mad. She had to get going, eat something before she’d fall over in fatigue, practice as much as she possibly could indoors. This wasn’t the best time to be caught up on the rain, let alone a _boy_.

These strange times nearly made her forget what she was training for, she only had a few weeks left to pull herself out of this block. As she was about to bite the bullet and bolt off as fast as she could, she caught someone walking up to her from her peripheries. Kasumi felt lighter when she turned her head to see Kurusu. 

She greeted him with a smile “Ah, Senpai. What a pleasant surprise.”

Just the distraction she needed.

She looked back at the soaked and dripping edges of every corner she could see in the distance “It’s really pouring down, isn’t it?”

Kurusu must have said something under his breath, she could hear his voice but hardly make out the words. She shifted her gaze toward him, unsure if he was really speaking to her. He didn’t take a glance back, almost unaware that she was even standing there. 

So much for that. Kasumi swallowed, shoving down any feelings of disappointment that started to flood her. She shouldn’t have expected so much, she probably didn’t mean anything to him. A deep exhale left her lips, she was becoming an expert at torturing herself lately.With as much bravado as she could pull from her broken confidence, she said her goodbyes.

She didn’t have time to overthink this. “Well, see you around.”

She always looked back at him, couldn’t help herself not to, he seemed to acknowledge her this time. 

“Won’t you get wet, though?” It was hard to glean any expression from him on a normal day, but the humidity had fogged over his glasses, it made him all the more unreadable and stone-faced. 

Maybe he really hadn’t seen her until now.

She was far too quick with letting her mind stop on these worst case scenarios. And speaking of…

“Actually, I forgot my umbrella...” Her father even reminded her to bring one. Kasumi shook her head “But it’s fine. I’ll barely get wet if I run to the station. If anything, it’ll make good training.”

Even as she said it, she was finding it difficult to stand by her statement.

_Just think warm thoughts, Kasumi._

Kurusu gestured to her with his umbrella in hand. “Why don’t we share?” 

His deadpanned question drew her back.It took her a moment to decide if she should accept, it would be pretty awkward for him, wouldn’t it?Her eyes absentmindedly drifted to the downpour just across the way.

Well, if he was offering…

She returned to face him with a bright grin. “That’d be wonderful! Thank you so much!”

-

Kurusu was always unusually silent the brief time she’d known him, but it was another thing she found herself admiring about him. Never a wasted word left his mouth, she heard his voice so sparingly, she wondered how she was able to memorize it so quickly. At the same time, the lingering dead air between them felt as though it needed to be broken.And she had already learned he wasn’t much of a conversationalist. 

“Thanks again for letting me join you.”

The proximity between them was simultaneously comforting yet suffocating. They were nearly shoulder to shoulder under his umbrella, any movement she’d make, he would most certainly feel. This had to be embarrassing for him, but when she cautiously took a glance at him, he was as calm as ever. Not even the slightest flinch. It was good to know he wasn’t nervous, because she was. 

Her heart was beating faster than it should have, given the mundane situation. She may have been graceful in her routines, but right now she could feel her arms constantly bump into his. Kasumi cleared her throat, trying her best to move on from these persistently intrusive thoughts.

“To be honest, prelims are coming up soon, so I didn’t want to take any chances of getting sick. “

The preliminaries were another stressor on her, and while she was further behind than she cared to admit, gymnastics were comfortable, understandable, much more simple than people were. 

“Prelims?”

Kasumi often spoke without thinking that not everyone knew about these kinds of things. At any rate, it was nice to hear he was curious.

“Oh, the preliminary competition for gymnastics. Two huge competitions are coming up—one at the beginning of the summer, and one near the end.”

It started to hit her just how much time she had left before them, and her coach hadn’t been impressed with her in what felt like ages. There was still time, she just had to keep training harder.

“If I’m going to participate in the prelims, I have to be selected as my clubs representative....And there’s a qualifier meet to determine who that rep will be.”

That itself was daunting. Suddenly, nothing felt certain. But this was all in the name of a dream, it wasn’t something she could fail at. She always pulled through before, she could do it again. If not for herself, then for _Sumire_. 

There was something inside her that stirred at her name, but she couldn’t let it get to her this time.

“It’s my dream to compete in gymnastics on the global level. So, I’m maintaining a strict training regimen with my coach.” 

Her coach who was less than pleased with her performances lately. Kasumi let out a small sigh, she would have to work the kinks out later. 

“I’ll cheer you on.” There was something in his cadence that she didn’t think she’d ever heard from him, a brighter tone in his inflection, real emotion behind his words. 

_Did he notice her shift in attitude?_

His sentiment alone gave her courage, she couldn’t keep herself from smiling for him again 

“I’d be invincible if I had you cheering me on Senpai!” Kasumi let out a giggle, maybe this was how Sumire felt when she was there for her. 

Her good mood fell when she saw her destination up ahead.  
“Oh, we’re already at the station...”

Kurusu’s closeness felt more warm now, she was hesitant to give it up so soon. 

-

As they approached the entrance, Kasumi walked ahead of the transfer student, finally finding peace under stable shelter. Kurusu collapsed his umbrella, hazarding a curious glance at her direction.

“I’ll be fine from here out.” Although, she did feel the smallest bit reluctant to leave his side. “I can’t thank you enough for today. I swear I’ll return the favor some—“

The voice of a boy nearby derailed her train of thought as she was speaking, the mention of her name caught her off guard “Isn’t that Yoshizawa? “

A girl cut in now, “You mean the honors gymnast?”

And another female student followed, “She gets VIP treatment _and_ a boyfriend to escort her around? Miss special snowflake sure is living on easy street.” 

Of course this would come up. The comment of Kurusu being thought of as her boyfriend nearly made her blush, but it must have been humiliating for him to be seen in such a way. 

“I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to deal with a misunderstanding like that.”

He shook his head.“Don’t worry about it.”

Kasumi couldn’t not worry about it, it was one thing to be ridiculed alone, it was another when they dragged a friend into it. Although she was sure he faced much worse shame around the school than she did. 

“The same thing happens in class, too. People are often wary of me because I’m an honor student. The school’s expecting me to attain strong results in the upcoming competitions, too. “

The pressure of this started to feel too much months ago, but she had no other choice to take all the good with the bad. And there was so much bad. 

“They even told me I didn’t have to participate in the cleanup event...but I just don’t like getting special treatment.” It felt unearned at her current pace, but even early on she was wise to why they were giving her so many perks.Anything to make the school look good, after all.  
  
She felt her phone buzz in her bag, partially shocked that it was able to stay on so long. As she grabbed it from the outer pocket, she was mildly upset that it wasn’t a response to her earlier text. 

“Oh, excuse me—my father's calling. “ He had a tendency to get worried, and now more than ever. 

Kasumi answered, concerned this would be a rehash of his hysteria at the T.V. station. She tempered herself down as she heard his voice crackle through her broken speakers.

“—re.” Was all she heard from him.

“Hello? Dad?”

He spoke again, clearer this time. “...’s looks like a ...rrential downpour out the...re” 

“What was that? Sorry, my phone’s been acting up again.”

“...it’s raining pretty hard, do you need m...rive you home? “

“Oh no, it’s okay. Thanks.”

“...ay....please be safe, su...” 

Her head began to ache the longer she listened to his voice peak on her phone. She didn’t feel right about ending this so suddenly, but the pain only grew stronger.  
“I’ll see you later, okay?”

When she hung up, a certain relief came rushing back to her. Although her skull felt like it was going to implode, she gave an apologetic smile to Kurusu.  
“Sorry about that. He asked if I needed a ride since it’s raining. A bit overprotective, don’t you think?”

While she appreciated the lengths he’d go for her, he would often set aside her boundaries as consequence.

“You’ve got a great dad.” Kurusu’s smile didn’t look so faint when she was standing this close, it was as if he was finally opening up to her, albeit slowly. 

Kasumi nodded her head. “Yes, I definitely agree...”

The perimeters of that behavior were suddenly too uncomfortable to speak of, she hadn’t told Kurusu about what happened in the spring. A large part of her never wanted him to find out, the sympathy she would always get from strangers was isolating, but what was left felt like he should know. He should know she was faking her way through this. 

No, she was dealing with it the only way she was comfortable with. Maruki had told her there was no right way to grieve, and it was better to live as normally as possible than to let it eat her alive. 

She didn’t have any more time to mull this over, she’d be late if she didn’t get going. 

“Well, I have to get practice, so it’s time for me to go. Thanks again for today. “ With a wave of her hand she turned on her heel toward the platform. 

The light sensation that always filled her chest when he was around faded the further away she strayed from him. It wasn’t long before she got caught up on what the other students had to say about her. She was living as honestly as she could, but the whispers never ended, it was all she heard at school. She thought the attention would’ve been nice, but it was only choking her now. 

That special treatment she was getting was leverage against her, lighting a fire under her if she ever disappointed the staff at Shujin. No one understood a thing about her, but they kept whispering anyway.

_Isn’t Yoshizawa so lucky?_

_Isn’t she the portrait of perfection?_

_Isn’t she so special?_

If only they knew she was coming apart at the seams, maybe they’d have something different to say about just how _special_ she was. She was stuck no matter if she was seen as pitiful, or well adjusted.  
  
And as she waited for the trains to arrive, she still felt awful Kurusu was carried along in this. Her stomach felt strange, to think they’d really mistake him as her boyfriend…

She would never be good enough, even with the false perception of flawlessness. Her true self was shaping to be a failure, and the baggage she had was far too grave to let anyone else carry. Kasumi squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, the idle chatter of others shouldn’t affect her like this. 

When she heard her phone go off again, she sighed, wondering what her father wanted from her now. Though, as she lifted her phone up, a different name was displayed on her notifications. 

_It’s nice to hear from you again, Yoshizawa-san._ _  
_ _  
_ _And I’d love to. Is next Thursday good for you?_

  
The universe had poetic timing. 


	4. On Vulnerability

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one’s gonna hurt. 
> 
> So this is where the M rating is kicking in, and I’ll warn you up front this chapter is a lot darker than others, the topics of depression and self harm come up pretty much immediately. 
> 
> I want to make it apparent that I in no way want to glorify any actions taken here, and I hope it doesn’t come across as such. 
> 
> I like to write horror stories, and part of that interest really comes in to play here, so I hope you enjoy it regardless.

Sumire was a curse, she knew it for so long. A blight among her family that tore them apart the longer she was there. She’d always been this way, she’d always been _sick_. It was hard enough to stand next little miss perfect all her life, but even on her own she was a disaster to behold.She was done fighting. She was done working three times as hard as Kasumi and never getting better from it. She was done with her jealousy, bitterness, everything that made her the worthless waste of space she was.

And yet she was still here, dazed and fatigued, lying bent over on the edge of a bathtub. She had given up so many times, but she thought this would be the last, to open her eyes and feel her own pulse was almost disappointing.She couldn’t see right, her glasses must have been tossed somewhere in her fit of despair last night, she’d have to find them with her bleary vision. As she moved her back, her muscles felt sore, her body weaker than ever. 

She barely had the energy to think, let alone navigate the mess she made of this bathroom. If there was any time she could be ashamed, it would have to be now. This wasn’t typical for her, she didn’t throw fits like this, and she had never tore out her hair and scratched welts into her arms like she had last night.

Her vision may have been blurred but the traces of crimson scattered all throughout the floor were concerning, just how much hair did she rip out? She was not looking forward to seeing the damage done.This psychotic break felt so silly all the sudden, even as dower as she tended to be, this was too much. 

Sumire carefully patted the tiles to find any sense of where her glasses might be, but her mind was in a separate place.This was all because of that stupid fight she picked with Kasumi. She yelled at her for nothing, just because she had enough of being so inferior. Her way of apology was always something self destructive in nature, but this...this was different. 

She wasn’t as good as Kasumi, not in talent, or looks, she could never stand out on her own. And her frustrations only proved it to be true. The panic and destruction of self was becoming more severe each passing day, any control she once had over her actions were gradually disappearing. 

Sumire’s fingertips brushed up on some kind of liquid, when she turned her head to see what she found, she froze.

She remembered now, and she would have to find her glasses quickly to clean up this horrid mess. The droplets covered the tiles like rose petals, and she would rather keep this sight exclusively to herself. At least she knew now why she felt so faint. As her fingers dusted across a thin plastic, she was nearly relieved.

Until she heard a knock on the door.

“Sumire, how long are you going to take in there?”

Of course, Kasumi’s timing was always so spot on. 

“Just give me a minute, or... _five_.”

The crimson haired girl put her glasses on, and she swiftly became overwhelmed with how chaotic the place was looking.Yet somehow, she looked even worse. She had never seen herself in such a state of disarray, with her wild hair in tatters and sticking to her face, lips chewed up and swollen, chromatic bruises dotting her skin here and there, and shades of deep scarlet dusted all over her arm. Needless to say, covering up the marks would be nigh impossible. Kasumi would certainly lose patience before she could make anything appear to be normal.

“Sumire...are you alright?”

She didn’t need this right now, she tore off a handful of paper towels and tried to clean up what she spilled. 

“I’m fine, I—I feel really sick, that’s all.”

Her voice cracked, she sounded like she was crying for hours. Well, she had been. Keeping her mouth closed was imperative to keep this disaster hidden. This wasn’t the kind of secret this family could handle. 

“Is it about last night? Oh, you know I’m not mad at you, right? I should have apologized too, it’s only that—“

Sumire stopped listening, she didn’t have time to be swept up in another wave of sadness. She shouldn’t have given in to these wild delusions like she did, she shouldn’t have done any of this, but it was hard not to punish herself when no one else would. 

“Are you sure you’re okay? I’m worried about you...Sumire...?”

Her lip trembled as she straightened out the towels on the racks. She wanted to say something, but if she started now she would blow her cover. 

Why was it always like this? 

Hearing Kasumi acknowledge her was all she ever wanted, but the love she had for Sumire was undeserved. When she was upset, she would stay like that for days on end. Kasumi was stronger than her, she could take on anything with a smile. She was stable, she never asked for help, but she always extended a hand to those that needed it .

“You’re scaring me. Please, say something.”

Sumire couldn’t find her smile, it had been gone for so long now, that even feigning happiness only made her empty.

“...I’m coming in!”

That caught her attention, she only had time to turn around and brace herself as the door opened.And when she was face to face with her sister, the elder twin stared for a few precious moments, petrified. The horror was plain to see in her wide eyes, completely sickened with what Sumire had done to herself. The silence between them broke as Kasumi screamed louder than she ever heard her before.   
  
  


* * *

Coach Hiraguchi was always so stern with her, but she seemed to be enjoying her company these days. Kasumi suspected the accident likely softened her, at least in the presence of the surviving twin. Hiraguchi didn’t show it, possibly out of respect for she and her family, but she knew the woman was deeply hurt by this too. Kasumi didn’t say a word about it to her, nor vice versa. What once was a strict teacher, became like an older sister to her. 

The irony wasn’t lost on her, but she couldn’t tell Hiraguchi about how well she was handling this. Even when she had days where she thought she was the picture of a stable mind, something would always crawl back up from a repressed memory. 

There was hardly any time to let herself wallow in self pity, that was never an option for her. Hard work would pull her through, it always did. 

Kasumi finished her practice for the day, and she still hadn’t made any progress with her routines. For as much effort as she devoted to her training, she was as simple as ever. None of the advanced steps she had in her previous performances were reliable, and what she could confidently execute was nothing close to praise worthy. She thought the coach would be let down, angry, at least something. All she had to offer Kasumi was a pat on the shoulder as she walked passed to her equipment. 

“Nice work.” There was no substance to her words, she was going easy on her, she had been easy on her for weeks now. Kasumi followed closely behind her. 

“Really? There isn’t something more I can do with this? Do you have any suggestions about how I can—“ 

“You’ve done enough for today. You should go home. “

The cold response drew her back, Hiraguchi had no criticism left to give. This was all wrong, she must have really screwed up. 

“Are you sure? I’m doing everything I’ve done before, but it’s just not coming together, do you have any advice?”

The subject was making her nervous, she had never looked so terrible in front of her teacher, not like this. She felt her fingers shift rapidly, clenched tight and crawling against her palm. Waiting for a fair adjudication on a performance caused such a stir in her nerves, leaving her open and vulnerable to a devastating blow. The coach had a vexed expression on her face as she shrugged.

“My advice would be to start over.”

Kasumi felt her heart drop. 

“I don’t understand... Coach, I don’t have time to come up with something else, I promise I just need some more guidance—“

“Then give up!” The softness that the coach had was all starting to disappear, her blunder was far worse than she ever expected. 

The nerves that felt so wired a moment ago, were quickly consuming her entire body with a violent burst of anxiety. Kasumi could feel tears in her eyes, so ready to start flowing, but she tightened her fist. She was better than this, she didn’t let harsh words get to her.

Nothing ever got to her, Kasumi was strong, unbreakable. 

“Please just tell me what I’m doing wrong Coach, I can adapt, I swear I can!” 

Her hands were shaking, all of her was shaking, she couldn’t fail now. The coach eyed her, and she could see it all over her face, that woman pitied her like everyone else. The simple downward flit of her gaze and furrow of her brow began to ignite something primal in Kasumi.

“Everything, everything about your routine is wrong. If you can’t do something else, then quit.”

Keeping herself in line could not have been harder, she wanted to run away, she wanted to lock herself in her room and never come back out. It felt as if she had lost it all a second time. But she would have to stand tall, she didn’t fall apart like this, even as everything became so uncertain. Pity from her mentor wouldn’t ease her troubled mind, no amount of empathy would bring her what she needed most.And yet the older woman stood there, trying to stare right through her student. 

Despite the biting critique, Hiraguchi wasn’t angry, or disappointed, she looked hapless. The woman she had so much respect for felt nothing more of her than a tragic end to her best pupil. 

“Don’t rush this, _Kasumi_. You just aren’t ready, give yourself some time to—“

“I’m done mourning, okay?! What happened, happened, I just want to move on— _So stop looking down on me_ _!_ “ 

Whatever coil that was holding her together, snapped apart.

The room fell silent, everyone's eyes turned to Kasumi. She was trembling, more severe than before, and the tears she tried so hard to hide were slipping down her face endlessly. This was what was left of the unbreakable Kasumi Yoshizawa, only sorrow and regret. And she felt herself bristle at the thought. 

“Why...why can’t things go back to normal?” Her voice broke, and she slapped a hand against her mouth to keep her from sobbing. 

Then the whispers started in again, and she heard it all over. 

“ _Kasumi..._ ”Her coach’s voice was being drowned out by everyone’s hushed appraisal of what they had just witnessed.  
  


_“What is wrong with her?”_

_“How could she speak that way to Coach?”_

_“That girl is a freak, I told you she would have a mental breakdown!”_

_“What a spoiled brat...”  
  
_

“I’m sorry...”

Hiraguchi reached out to her, wordlessly trying to make her stay. The shame was too much, she made a fool of her Coach in front of everyone, she had to leave now. 

“I’m so sorry!” 

She quickly turned on her heel and ran out of the training room. The quiet voices of everyone were burrowing into her mind, she couldn’t stand to be there another second.The seed was planted, every word she heard them say was playing on repeat. Listening to them berate her hurt, but she knew they were right. All the talent she thought she had left her, she never earned any special treatment. 

Shameful as it was, she couldn’t try to explain herself, she had to keep running. It didn’t matter what she looked like to anyone she may have passed on her way to the station, it didn’t matter, _just get away_ . Her vision was blurred, she couldn’t stop crying, and she tried to wipe the tears from her eyes to no avail. Then, _impact_. 

She felt herself crash into something before her body was repelled to the ground. 

The downcast scenery of the summer rain was drilling its way into her head, this place was somehow familiar, in the most intimately painful way it could be. The sorrow was momentarily replaced with sheer agony, and she felt as if her head were cracking open for all to see. This is what she deserved for cowering away. 

“—Yoshizawa?”

It was those damned whispers again, she couldn’t take another sound! Her fingernails dug into the skin of her forehead as she winced from the calls replaying loudly in her brain.

_Failure._

_Worthless._

_Waste of space_.

It was all true. 

She didn’t want to hear it, never again, why did they keep following her? Hadn’t she suffered enough? As she felt someone gently touch her shoulder, the vast pain in her head vanished entirely. It’s abrupt end coursed through her like whiplash, leaving the girl in a state of deep confusion. Kasumi was able to take a glance up to see who was calling her.

The man she bumped into was a familiar face, his kind smile brought her back to reality as he offered his hand to help her up. If it had to be anyone, she was glad it was Maruki. Had Kurusu or Akechi found her like that, she would surely be wishing for a swift and gruesome death. The good doctor had already seen her lowest point, there wasn’t any hiding from him. 

“I’m so sorry Dr. Maruki, I—I wasn’t looking where I was going and I...”Her voice sounded congested as she spoke, and her face must have looked like a disaster too. Maruki drew back as he stopped her.

“No worries, Yoshizawa. I’m fine, but are you alright? Did something happen?” 

_Where to begin._

Kasumi sniffled as she attempted to compose herself. “Can we talk somewhere else?” 

—

Kasumi had asked him to talk, but all she did now was sit in his office, completely silent. Somehow, she did manage to explain the events that lead to her bumping into him, albeit with tears streaming down her face. Maruki had brewed her some tea to calm her nerves, but she could hardly touch it. She wasn’t sure what she could say for herself, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to say anything more. 

The way she stormed off like that was awful, how could she be so disrespectful to her coach? She would have to apologize once every day for a decade to make up for her rudeness, but she was almost positive Hiraguchi had already forgiven her.

Not that she deserved it. 

No one that knew would hold this against her, but the girls who spectated her outburst would not be as kind. She wasn’t looking for sympathy, she didn’t want it, but the rumors about her losing her mind started to worm their way into her brain. Sometimes she wondered if they had a point, maybe she was going crazy. 

“Do you not like it? The tea, I mean.” 

Kasumi shook her head and gave the older man a smile. “No, it isn’t that. I just have a lot on my mind.”

That was an understatement, everything that weighed on her last month was beginning to crush her now. The dream she had felt entirely out of reach now. All of this used to come so easy to her, it was only recently that she became so stale. None of it made any sense, was this really all because of the accident? 

_Give yourself time to grieve._

The memory was too traumatic to pull, but she thought she recalled everyone she knew at the time telling her to slow down. Not once did she listen, but now—now it seemed like there was worth in their warnings. The harder she tried to ignore what happened, the worse off she was. 

“Is not thinking about Sumire actually helping me cope?” She said so absentmindedly, staring into the faint golden brown of her tea. 

“Is that what you think? “ She exchanged a glance with Maruki, his calm demeanor setting her at ease.

Truth be told, she didn’t know what to think anymore. Everything she tried didn’t help for long, in the end every painful moment came crawling back to her. But if he asked, she wouldn’t be able to honestly answer whether or not she missed Sumire. 

“I’m not sure. Sometimes I feel like... there’s nothing for me to remember anyway.”

All the heartbreak she suffered this year tempered down, when she spoke with Maruki she didn’t feel sad…

Just numb. 

“We were twins, but I can’t remember much from the time when we were kids, only small bits and pieces. Is this...is this how I move on? To forget everything about her?” 

The doctor likely didn’t have an answer for that, he tilted his head as he methodically regarded her blank expression. “Do you want to forget about Sumire?”

Kasumi thought she should be upset with the mere insinuation. Sumire was the person she forged her dream with, they were going to achieve it together. It was for Sumire, everything she did was for her beloved sister.But when she thought about it now, there was no overwhelming love she had for her. She was just gone, Kasumi was what was left. Kasumi was the one that would become an international champion, but Sumire would never be able to see it. 

Sumire was dead, she was never coming back. 

Shouldn’t she be shaking? Shouldn’t she be broken, crying until her eyes were dry? She’d never see her twin again, didn’t she feel anything for her? 

_There was one thing._

“She was always jealous of me, wasn’t she? Always looked at me with sadness in her eyes, as if I was doing that to her on purpose. She wanted everything I had, and hated that she couldn’t get it. “

Maruki cleared his throat, seemingly surprised how she came to this. “She admired you, Kasumi.”

She knew that, her younger twin wanted to be just like her, that’s why she did what she did. But what did Kasumi feel for Sumire? For months she had thought of her so highly, but she hadn’t tried to really think of what she meant to her. 

_This was wrong_. Kasumi put a hand to her head, there was nothing, not a single thing she could remember about how she felt about her sister before she died. Her fingernails gripped into her skin, racking her brain for anything she could cling to. 

_How ridiculous was she to doubt her bond with Sumire?_

Of course she loved her, she was her _sister_. This was something she didn’t have to overthink, she was family. Her failure today was clouding her judgement, making her blame someone else for her own mistakes. It would be too cruel of her to ever consider Sumire as a burden. 

The turmoil inside her had yet to leave, but she bit hard on her lip and made her compromise, she put on her best smile for Maruki.

“You’re absolutely right!” Sometimes she could even convince herself that she was getting better. 

That’s all she needed, the longer she kept the air of having it all together, the more she would believe it herself. That was how she would cope. 

“I have to keep working harder for her, so she can be even more proud of me!” 

The sudden change in attitude caught Maruki off guard, she suspected he wasn’t going to buy her immediate change of heart. But she had to dig herself out of the hole she had gotten into, so she continued with a measured tone.

“I’ll have to apologize to Coach Hiraguchi tomorrow, I completely spoke out of turn there. I guess the pressure just got to me, y’know?”

The doctor nodded his head, but he seemed uneasy. “Yes, that’s a good idea. However, I think your coach may have been right about you needing to take things a bit...slower. “

There wasn’t any time to be slow. Kasumi opened her mouth to speak, but Maruki continued on. “I know how much this means to you, but try to think of what this is doing to you. Are you sure you don’t want to take a break from training, just for a short while?”

If she stopped now, she wouldn’t have a chance at getting picked as the club representative. Even if it drove her mad, she’d have to do everything she could to make it through the preliminaries, and any time lost would count against her. 

This was for Sumire, right? 

“I was only having a bad day, Dr. Maruki. I’m sorry I worried you, what with all the crying and...” Her soft voice trailed off. “...I’ve been such a mess lately, just—everything that’s happened to my family is hard for me to understand. But gymnastics is what pulls me away from that, I know you want what’s best for me...but I think this is my only way forward.”

Maruki’s features still reflected concern, but with a sigh, he gave her a slight smile. “There’s no changing your mind, is there? Well, if that’s what will make you happy, I can’t argue. Just promise me you won’t overwork yourself anymore, alright?”

There weren't many things that made her happy, only the most impressive marks on her performances could satisfy her. With how she was doing things now, she had to push herself, she would never get anywhere if she relaxed. 

Kasumi straightened her posture, returning a smile herself, “You have my word.”

Part of her felt guilty she could tell such a bald faced lie to a man she trusted. But that was exactly how she would overcome this tragedy, lying until she was under a spell of her own making.   
  
  


* * *

It had been a week since she had that temper tantrum at her coach, and everyday that passed she sent a different apology her way. Kasumi had showered her with words of regret, consolations of sweet chocolate, and a promise that she would heed her advice. The young girl would be starting her routine from scratch, although she was at a loss as to where she would take it from here.

Kasumi was on her way back home, her mind flooded with the immense amount of work she had to do in the short time she had. The meet would be in less than a week, and within that frame she had to come up with something spectacular to even have a shot at the next competitions. There was no room for error, even if she promised Maruki she’d take her training slower. 

As she unlocked the door to her home, she saw her mother hard at work cleaning the living room. A small sigh escaped her lips, ever since that day her mother had not been the same. Kasumi could hardly speak with her, she was so far withdrawn from everything that she could no longer carry out a conversation. Her eyes had no light in them, as if her soul were torn from her. 

Her mother acknowledged her presence with a small noise, quickly going back to obsessively cleaning whatever she could. She hadn’t worked in months, couldn’t bring herself to leave the house. Kasumi understood, this was harder on her more than anyone else. Sumire was once very close to her as a child, but as she grew older, her younger twin’s problems became more obvious. She shut herself out from her, she shut herself out from everyone. Looking at the older woman was far too painful, she had no hope left in her. Kasumi said her greetings, and walked off to her room. 

There were pressing matters she had to deal with. A new performance, something more lively than her previous attempt. Yet, she was left with no clue where to go next. All prior experience seemed as if it were never there in the first place, like every move she had done so flawlessly in the past was new to her. Maybe all she needed was a fresh reminder, something that called her back to the days she was rapidly forgetting. 

The idea sparked something within her; _that must have been why she was failing_.

Her memories were fading, becoming unreliable and vague. If she just had something that could bring her back to that time, perhaps it would all click. The passing of Sumire had to have been so traumatic that she was blocking out everything that led to that moment. Something about it felt wrong to her, but she had no other explanation. These were desperate times, even if it was a long shot, she had to try. 

Kasumi had quietly shut the door behind her, making her way to the drawer by her desk. It was where she kept all her journals, that at least was something she could recall. It was possible she had notes of her routines, and perhaps even…

No, she had to focus on what was immediately important. Steps first, her own dreaded curiosity later. She pulled open the drawer and looked for the most recent diary she kept. Seeing it again made her realize how long it had been since she last wrote in it, but she had brought it along when she first really talked with Kurusu. A part of her wondered why she didn’t have pages just dedicated to meeting him, it seemed like something she would write about in the past.

Even so, she opened the book, scanning the very first pages for anything relevant she could use. But there was nothing, no talk about gymnastics. All there was—for pages and pages— just words on her family. How her father was teasing her about not getting involved with boys at her new school, how her mother would dote on her and praise her for good grades.

And how much she wanted Sumire to smile again. 

Kasumi felt her body react to this, she stumbled back a bit.

Why didn’t she remember writing any of this? How far back did that memory block go? She shook her head, something had to make sense in here, something had to trigger, give her back the clarity she lost. 

  
3/3/XX

_It’s been months since the last competition._

_Sumire seemed like she was so excited when we were training for it, but now she’s different._

_I know she gets like this, I know she’s not like me and that she just needs time alone, but for some reason it feels worse than before._

_I think I really hurt her…_

_I’m scared, she’s been so distant lately. Every time I try to speak with her, she feels so far away, like I’ll never be able to reach her._

_I don’t want to tell Mom and Dad, but I’m worried about her._

_Is this all I can do? Just sit here and hope she’ll be alright?_

Kasumi had to pull herself away from the journal, all of this felt so new to her. Her head began to ache with the same pulsing agony it had every time she thought about this. 

This was how she felt about Sumire before the accident? _Was it an accident at all?_

Pain wouldn’t stop her from going forward, there was more to the story, and she wanted to know. Skimming through the last pages, she saw the final entry. No date was included, and the notes were hastily written. 

_  
She keeps saying she’s fine, but should I really believe that? _

_I can’t lose her._

_Even if she never wants to talk to me again after this._

  
The intensity of her migraine peaked, the journal fell out of her hands as she braced her temples. The balance she had was gone, she could barely keep herself standing. Knees bent to keep her from falling, she lurched forward with her palms covering her eyes. The light hurt, the smallest noise was amplified to ear shattering decibels. All she could do was hold onto herself as it happened. There was no Maruki to save her, no Akechi, nor Kurusu. She was on her own and the loneliness of it all made the pain so much worse to bear.

_She couldn’t do this_. 

It felt as if her brain was splitting in two, the blocks of memories she had were so close to becoming clear…

But something stopped it, she heard voices, shouting at her, scolding her for sitting idly by. What was she to do? The more she thought, the more intense it would become. Kasumi staggered back, her muscles tensed as she felt her mouth open to let out just how much this was hurting her. 

There was silence, she was incapable of making a sound.

This was all because of _Sumire_? 

Nothing could be gained by just taking this kind of torture, she had to find an answer to this, no matter how debilitating the ringing became. The girl clenched her teeth, preparing to move on forward as fast as she could. She released her grip on her head and burst open her door, she didn’t care if her parents heard at this point, she had to get rid of this deadly vice grip on her brain. 

Where she was going next frightened her, she hadn’t stepped foot inside since that day. Whatever she could find had to be worth it, she wouldn’t let anything keep her from this any longer. She harshly ripped open the door of Sumire’s room, and the moment she crossed the threshold she felt a completely different presence take a hold of her. The voices in her head only grew louder, the pressure built, but now looking inside she felt as if the atmosphere itself was repelling her backward. Kasumi pushed through, baring her teeth, clenching her jaw, anything to keep her going. 

Her sister never kept a journal, finding her thoughts would be much harder. She didn’t have the patience to do this in any respectful manner. Her things were as she left them here, but Kasumi would do anything to get out of this oppressive force around her. She tore through her dressers, drawers, any compartment she could find in this hateful room. 

It was useless, Sumire left without a word. 

As she got on her knees to hold onto her throbbing head, she found a box right under the bed. Kasumi wasted no time pulling it towards herself, finding a stack of notebooks neatly piled on top of each other. She flipped through them as quickly as she could, searching for anything personal that could be hidden between notes. The invasion of privacy hadn’t phased her, she had the right to know what really happened to that day.

Every moment she was in here she felt as if the air would be stolen from her lungs, that the narrow walls would close in just to crush her. The severity of the pulsing pain only multiplied as she tried to focus on Sumire’s handwriting, until she finally found it.

_  
Kasumi doesn’t understand. _

_She never has_. 

  
The girl shook her head, just what didn’t she understand? There was more on the corner of the page. 

_  
No one like me deserves to be helped, I’m just too weak. _

  
Kasumi felt a strain in her throat, as if she wanted to cry out, but she had to keep what was left of her shattered sanity. 

_  
No one would care, I’m useless anyway. _

_There’s no one who can change who I am_. 

_I feel this sadness wash over me so much, that I know now—there’s nothing they can do for me anymore._

  
She threw the notebook down, she had no answers and she could hardly see straight. Reading that made her feel violated, her skin was crawling and leaving her to shiver with whatever her sister was trying to suggest. 

She knew it, she knew it all along but she hadn’t the smallest tear to spare for her. 

This was all a horrible idea to begin with. Kasumi needed to leave, put this all behind her before her brain exploded. She would sleep soundly tonight, and she would move on. But she couldn’t for the life of her, find the strength to stand up again. She was paralyzed, her eyes stuck to the last recorded thoughts of Sumire, letting it burn forever into her mind. 

Nothing felt right, not the breaths she took, the cold air giving her goosebumps, not even the skin she wore. It was all alien now. A foreign essence ripped into the innermost thread of herself, grinding up the matter that had been left unscathed into pitiful red dust. What pain could she even focus on? Every minuscule surface in and around her was robbed of the safety she once knew so well. Her body was alighted with _filth_ and _sin_ , making each and every sense she owned squirm in merciless anguish. 

  
Release, release, she wished for _release!_

Yet her ensnared form only elevated in its wanton need for absolute destruction. The space tightened, she was suffocating, everything she knew was fading from her moment by aching moment, until she was a husk of a conscience pinned to the floor. 

_There’s nothing they can do for me anymore._

Her hands gripped to either side of her arms as she let herself stare to the ceiling. The invisible chains holding her in place broke, and it was only then she had the freedom of insight. She was alone. 

And the knot she felt inside her throat loosened, enough to inhale one last time.

Just so she could scream.

It wasn’t long before she heard rushed footsteps and the door being slammed right back open. 

It was all too loud, far too loud.She already felt her vocal cords strain, unable to stop herself, even when she was ushered into her father’s arms, her mother right there beside him. The older woman’s gentle hands brushed through her hair, even as she squirmed in a raging fit of hysteria.

“It’s fine now honey, we’re here.” 

The softness in her voice was the only thing that didn’t make Kasumi want to tear out her own hair. They soothed her still, with her shouting and crying and kicking, they didn’t leave her be. 

“ We will _always_ be here.” 

The swelling in her head began to calm, but she couldn’t put herself back together. She lied there in her father's grasp, choking on her sobs as she made peace with the state she was in. 

At the end of it all, Kasumi wasn’t strong. She was just as fragile, as broken, as weak as her sister claimed to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know that meme, “But it did get worse.”  
> Yeah, that’s this entire fic in a nutshell.
> 
> I apologize for all the torment that's coming Sumi's way.


	5. On Consequence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, last chapter was depressing so hopefully this will lighten the mood, if only a tiny bit.  
> I have to say that I had trouble writing out Akira’s dialogue, I find that its a lot easier to portray him as Joker rather than his regular self. I try to imagine the lines being spoken in the characters voice, but it’s hard to do when he barely talks. 
> 
> I guess it’s not really an issue when he’s the self insert character, but it’s still my intention to breathe some life into him.
> 
> Also, I know virtually nothing about gymnastics, just as disclaimer.

Kasumi didn’t have the extra time for anyone else, but she was used to making a very special exception now and again. Kurusu never started a conversation of his own volition, that’s what she began to observe the more she saw him. He would train at her suggestion, and after the week she had, she thought she could use some company. At the very least, his training seemed to be going much better than hers. However, he still wasn’t very talkative. 

Now, Kurusu was too worn out to chat with her. While not as clumsy as he was when he started, he remarked she went a little overboard on the exercise she had given him. That should have been obvious, based on the way he was lying on the ground, sucking in any breath he could take. 

“That should do it for today.”Kasumi crouched down beside him, offering a hand. 

She had to reconsider if the harsh regiment was for him, or for her own benefit. The meet with her club would be tomorrow, and she was uncertain if her stitched together routine would allow her to scrape by. Kurusu finally took her hand, the taut muscles in his arms shaking as he leveraged himself to stand. She couldn’t help but notice the transformation he had over the last couple of months, he had gone from a slim beanpole to being somewhat impressively toned for his age. 

“ _ Something wrong? _ ”

She switched her gaze as soon as she realized he saw her staring,  _ again _ . Kasumi jumped back letting go of his hold, waving her hands in dismissal. 

“Oh no, no! Just toned— _ z-zoned _ out for a minute there, sorry!” 

There was a lot going through her mind at the moment, but any excuse would be far too dishonest to share. While she still had him there, she was hoping she could squeeze something out of him, if only to satiate her curiosity. 

“Have you been practicing on your own Senpai? You’ve gotten so much better since last time.”

There was a lot she didn’t know about him, a lot he never told her. Actually, he never quite told her anything about himself aside from his bizarre living situation. Kasumi suspected she hadn’t asked the right questions, seeing that this transfer student wasn’t the most open person in the world.

He took a single glance at her before gazing off elsewhere. “You could say that.”

Perhaps that wasn’t the right question after all. In the short period they had known each other, he hardly ever gave a straight answer. Whether this was his natural response to prying, or a lack of trust in her was currently beyond her comprehension. Kasumi clasped her hands together with a small sigh. As much as she was trying to warm up to him, he wasn’t budging much on his end. 

“Are you planning on going into gymnastics? Or, maybe you’re using what I’m teaching you for something else?”

She could see his body tense at her insinuation. The crimson haired girl let out a giggle as she leaned closer to him. “Looks like I nailed it!”

It was hard to make anything out of his plain expressions, but the downward turn of the corners of his lips was a major tell. 

“What is it that you need this for anyway? “

Initially, she thought he was interested in learning for the sake of it, but she started to be more convinced he had a hidden agenda.Not that she could extrapolate on what that agenda could potentially be, but his vague way of words had to be strictly intentional.

“Ah—“ Kurusu stammered back when she leered too close to him. “I thought I should get in shape, that’s all.”

Not exactly the best lie he could come up with, even she didn’t buy it.   
  
“Mmhmm...And gymnastics is the best way to do that?”

“Well, it looked so cool when you did it.”

The compliment staved her off from pinning him down again, and she should have known that was probably his sly exit strategy. The ample dead air she left open made him scoff, his fingers drifting into a long piece of hair stuck to his cheek, restlessly fussing with it as he made his reply.

“How about we say I have my own reasons, and leave it at that.”

Blocked again. She felt the playful mood seep away from her in an instant.

“Is it that personal?” The moment it left her mouth, she wished she could take it back. It wasn’t her place to pry, no matter how much she wanted to be closer. 

“ _ Excessively _ .”

While she couldn’t understand, she would let the topic be for now. It didn’t change her resolve, nor her wondering about who he was behind this barrier.

“I see...you really are shy, aren’t you Kurusu-senpai?” 

Her theory gained a small bit of validity as he drew further away, he turned his head as if her gaze was becoming too much. 

“I wouldn’t exactly describe it that way.” But when he started with his subtle fidgeting again, she suddenly understood that may have been an involuntary response on its own. 

“Are you always this hard to talk to?” The question was pointed more towards herself than it was to him, but nonetheless he decided to humor her. 

“You tell me.” The distance he set was cleared, as if he were the slightest bit guilty of pushing her away. The older boy leaned in toward her, just as fascinated to figure her out as she was to him. “Do you always ask this many questions?” 

Kasumi’s lively demeanor fell, she was trying to avoid drilling into him like this. And as she was looking for the right apology, Kurusu gave her a wry smirk, the likes of which she had never seen on him. She had never seen him emote this much at all. With a gentle tap to her shoulder from the back of his hand, he ushered on.

“ _ Lighten up _ . You’re supposed to be the positive one here.”

The encouragement did bring her back, she straightened her posture, but she still felt so small in front of Kurusu. 

“I’m sorry Senpai, it’s only that—you never say a word about yourself. I wanted to get to know you a little more.”

“I’m not really that interesting.” And It was back to his regular state of indifference. 

“Oh, I don’t believe that for a minute! Weren’t you the school’s most infamous delinquent just a month ago?”

The simple mention of it earned a brief chuckle out of him. She could feel herself smile with him as she continued. 

“Don’t you think I’ve forgotten about all those times you stuck your neck out for me, either!” 

He appeared to be making a habit of stepping in when she was in a bind. No one else stood up for her the way he did, no one had any desire to speak with her, but he never seemed to mind lending an ear when she needed it. After what she had been through recently, the warmth she felt when she was with him came as a welcome change. 

“You don’t know how much you’ve helped me Kurusu-senpai. You give me the strength to keep going, even when everything is so—“

A small gasp escaped her lips before she shut her mouth. She couldn’t let herself mention this to him, he was the only ounce of stability she had left. 

“Looks like I’m not the only one keeping secrets.”Something in his eyes told her he was amused by this slip up, if not curious in his own subtle ways. “Why don’t we add something to our deal?” 

His question piqued her interest, and she looked up to him in wonderment of what he may have been scheming. “What is it?”

“Hm, how about...every time we meet like this, we tell each other one thing about ourselves.” 

Hearing his compromise delighted her, she had to stop herself from interrupting him with an excited vocal approval. Kasumi relaxed her tensed body, in any attempt to appear as composed as he was.

“I guess it should be something personal too, makes it more interesting. Sound fair?”

“ _ Yes _ !” The crimson haired girl couldn’t contain her elation, her fingers were tightly entwined with each other as she bounced to her side and laughed. “Shouldn’t we start today then? Oh, who should go first?” 

“I will.” Kurusu adjusted his glasses, putting his fingers to his temple as he tilted his head. “Let’s see...you remember that uh—rumor about me, that I have a criminal record?” 

She nodded her head.

“It’s true.”

His statement took her awhile to process, she played it in her head several times over, hoping that she was missing a crucial detail in its context. She felt like she couldn’t have possibly heard him right, they were just rumors. 

Didn’t he admit as much? 

_ Did he? _

“But Kamoshida, he—“ 

“It was the only thing he didn’t lie about.” Kurusu’s voice was different from what she heard before. Even as he spoke lowly, she could easily sense the rage brewing behind it. 

“How did you...”

Kasumi trailed off, seeing the older boy put a finger to his lips.

“Only one, remember? “

She swallowed dryly. Whatever he did, he must have had a good reason. The other frightening crimes he was labeled with were only a product of fiction. If he was the person they said he was, she would have already been hurt by now. If he was anything like Kamoshida, he would have never stood up for her.

“My apologies, Senpai. “She hoped she could shake off the small doubts she had by giving him a bright smile.“But, you’ll tell me next time won’t you? “

He affirmed with a smile of his own.“That’s what we agreed on, right?”   
Kurusu crouched down to sit, and Kasumi followed suit. “So, your turn.”

_ Oh, right.  _

Suddenly the idea of opening up was much less appealing. She wanted him to know her, but the only secrets she carried were rather... _ grim _ . Although, Kurusu’s criminal record must have devastated him at the time it happened. Sharing it with her couldn’t have been easy.

Kasumi let out a sigh.“I—well, recently my life has been…”   
She had to catch another breath before moving on. “Chaotic, to say the least. Certain things have happened in my family and it’s—it’s breaking my concentration.”

Now  _ she _ was being purposefully vague. Admitting the root of the problem would see painful consequences, if that night at home stood as a proper example. She wasn’t ready for him to know. Kasumi shook her head,

“I yelled at my coach last week because of it. She told me I had to start my routine over and I...I blew up on her. The rep for my club will be chosen tomorrow, but I have no idea what I’m going to do.”

What she had now was not going to cut it. Only the most basic of moves she knew she could pull of, all haphazardly structured together. Trying to find a thread to tie it in as a cohesive performance was becoming more and more of an arduous task, as if her patch work could ever look so natural. In truth, she was lucky she had anything. The extensive choreo-block she had was hardly letting her get anything done. She winced once she realized all of what she let on about herself.

“That was way more than one, wasn’t it?”

“Consider it the other half of our deal.” Kurusu always set her at ease when she was doubting herself. 

Kasumi pulled her knees close to her chest.    
  


“ You’re so sneaky, Senpai. You let me prattle on about my problems, but you won’t give any details of your own.” She said so with a small laugh. 

Still, her current predicament caused her more than enough stress to silence her. The distraction of talking to Kurusu was wearing off, and her mind caught on to the more pessimistic side of her. The meet would be in less than twenty hours, and she remained unconvinced her slapdash attempt at appeasing her coach would get her very far in pleasing the judges. The concept of failing so soon started to pick at her brain, started to penetrate the muscle under the skin. Air felt shallow in her lungs, and suddenly she became terrified she was on the precipice of another collapse.

“ _ It’s just not good enough... _ ”The words were low as a whisper, as if she had forgotten she was in the company of someone else. Kasumi chewed on her bottom lip, her movements reflecting her state of discomfort eloquently. 

“What do you think the problem is?” Hearing him snapped her out the trance she was in, and she was the smallest bit embarrassed she lost herself in her own worries. “Your family?” 

The rule he set was broken on her part, but she hadn’t the will to stop him like he did her. She would keep her deepest issue to herself for now, but his council was greatly needed. 

“It’s...it’s just that every one of the steps I had down before just aren’t working anymore. I used to be able to execute them all perfectly, but now I’m struggling to do any of them.”

That was precisely why her coach told her to scrap all of her progress, and that was why she crumbled so pathetically the other night. She deserved to fail, she hadn’t earned any right to a victory. She felt her chest tighten, and she grasped at either side of her arms to dull the sensation.

“It’s like I never knew how to do them in the first place.”

Saying this aloud only made the unease build up passed her sternum. The statement felt as though she was close to something, something that may have beyond her reach before. Now, it felt very near. And she searched herself for any word to guide her further, but the moment she heard Kurusu shift in place, she lost the track she followed. 

“Why not try a different approach?” 

Kasumi couldn’t help but smile disingenuously to herself. That was what her new routine was supposed to be, only a simple process without all of the flare that she typically gave it. She was about to say as much, but the transfer student had more to add.

“Maybe outside of yourself.”

Initially, she dismissed the suggestion as quickly as she heard it.  _ Outside of herself  _ would be far more unreliable than what she was doing beforehand. Then again, she was at a loss of what else she could do. The way Kasumi had done things before was no longer an option, as difficult as it was to fully understand. If she hadn’t had herself to go back to then...an external source was her only chance at smoothing the wrinkles in her performance. The concept may have been broad, but it was the best breakthrough she had in months. 

Perhaps it wasn’t the skill she should have focused on, but the _ choice _ . 

“What do you think I should—”She stopped herself mid sentence, realizing the answer still had to come within. In that moment, she withdrew herself from Kurusu, letting her thoughts consume her.

Though this time, it would not be to drown her in a sea of her own regrets. She had to search for a reason, something that could solve her hesitance. Without Sumire, she had lost part of herself. Stability, and what she assumed was support, pushed her to extraordinary heights, but now it was snuffed out. It left her in a desperate state to cling to everything she  _ was _ , not what she could be. 

Her desire for a sense of normalcy to return caused this stagnation, it was only a matter of time before it caught up to her. The life she thought she would live had ended, the course she took before could never hope to work now. The reason was ripped from her without a fight, and she was ashamed of herself that it took so long to finally come to this conclusion. However, she had made a different connection. A separate reason, a new promise to hold on to. 

“Yoshizawa?”

As she opened her eyes again, she found the fix she was looking for. Suddenly she felt a new resolve, and she hoped it would be enough to lead her through the troubles she had. Kasumi beamed at the boy before her.

“ _ That’s it! _ ”

By the quirk of his brow, she surmised Kurusu didn’t quite grasp what she meant. 

“I didn’t intend on spacing out like that, but...” She paused only to shift herself forward    
“I took your advice, and I think I’ve got a great idea to clean up my act.”

Kasumi stood, dusting any dirt off her pants in the process. “I know I’ve kept you here for too long already, but do you mind watching me? I just want to know if what I came up with is worth keeping or not.”

Kurusu tilted his head up.“Go ahead, show me what you’ve got.”

With a giggle, she distanced herself and cleared her mind. Now that she was performing for someone, she thought she would finally be able to find what was missing from her. What she had read from her old diary entries indicated that her previous success came from a place of pride. For so long now, she miserably fell back to what was taken from her, be it unconsciously or not. The guilt of refusing to let it hit her became a handicap, her mind was torn. 

She stretched her legs out, and took a deep breath. Though she didn’t have her ribbon with her, she was certain she didn’t need it. Her feelings would get through this time for sure, she couldn’t fail. 

As she straightened herself in a quick motion, she felt better than she had in months. Emotions that were once locked so far from her were starting to resurface, she could feel it in the fluid way her body moved. This was moving forward, this was her new beginning. Not to revert to the way she used to be, but to let life happen as it was. For everything she had to lose, for everything she had already lost, she now understood there was so much more to gain. 

The dream she had was still her driving force, but it had different inspiration now. It was impossible to dance for him with a stoic face, she couldn’t stop her smile from peeking through. The liveliness she was searching for was right here in front of her, and she was eased that she was able to capture it so soon. Kurusu wouldn’t appraise her as a judge would, but she forced herself to work as hard as if he was. This was her last chance, and the pressure imbued her to cross any limits she may have had. She never felt so free, so liberated, and she was sure her movements spelled it out in perfect clarity. 

Her heart pounded as she wrapped up her presentation, but she could wager a guess that it came through as well as she wanted. Kasumi breathed in heavily, letting her sights fall to her spectator with a hopeful expectation.

“So, what do you think?”

Even now, she was hard pressed to figure out a single thought that was going through his head. A sudden stroke of nervousness pulled on her chest, but the slightest up-turn of his lips dispelled it immediately. 

“Wow,” The word was expelled breathlessly, and his soft chuckle that followed caused a wholly different stirring within her. “I’m no expert, but that—looked spectacular.” 

His validation gave her more than enough courage to stand by her new solution. There was something that still tugged on her heartstrings, but Kasumi managed approach him again 

“I’m so happy! You’ve saved me again, Senpai!” 

Kurusu cocked a brow, an uneasy smile formed where a neutral expression usually would have been. “I didn’t do anything though.” 

The girl nearly laughed at his dry response, _ he just didn’t get it _ . 

As he stood himself up, she had gone over about a dozen ways of thanking him, but she surmised that could wait  _ after _ the meet. 

“You did great, Yoshizawa. Give yourself some credit. “

The palm of his hand lightly met with her shoulder for the briefest of moments, and while the contact remained, she felt that warm feeling creep in her once more. She was beyond euphoric, and she wasn’t entirely sure what she could even say to him. Aside from the millions of lengthy words of gratitude she had planned on giving him. 

“It was all because of you. If you hadn’t listened to me, I don’t think I’d ever find the answer I was looking for.”

Still, he didn’t seem to agree with her statement, silence seizing him from refuting her. The awkward pause he left caused her to come back to reality, suddenly noticing the long shadow he casted. The sun hung low behind the buildings in the distance, and she sadly realized just how late it had gotten. 

“It looks like the sun is setting. I think we should part ways for now, but thank you again for training with me.” Kasumi bowed to him, her smile never fading. “You don’t know how grateful I am to have a friend like you.”

“It’s no problem.” Kurusu strayed away, collecting the bag he left on the ground.

She wished she could hear the brighter tone in his voice again, his reversion to apathy made him seem so far away. 

“I’ll see you later, _ first year _ .” The light jab got a small giggle out of her, and as she backed away, picking up her own bag, she heard him call to her once again.

“And hey,” She turned her head toward him. “Good luck, Kasumi.”

The name stuck in her ears, and she had never thought such a simple gesture could catch her off guard. But she was glad, beyond flattered he had taken to her, if ever so slightly.

“Thank you so much! I’ll win for sure, Senpai! “ 

With a wave, she wandered off the other direction, flustered that she couldn’t return the same sentiment Kurusu had given her. 

Yet, she hoped that she could travel past the formality she was used to giving him in time. Being close to him was another one of her humble wishes, now more than ever.Though, calling him by his first name became excessively appealing the longer her mind lingered on the idea. She looked forward to what tomorrow would bring, resolute that Akira’s support would carry her through.   
  
  


* * *

Waiting for the results on her performances always tore her off a high perch, even if she was truly secure in her routine. The other girls seemed to be much more calm than she was, but a single glance from them caused a pulsing dread to seep through her. Their eyes didn’t lie, they did not want to be near her. The entire club had it out for her, and she supposed she had only herself to blame for it. Kasumi’s innate talent made her a target, but her vulnerability is what made her so immensely easy to knock down. The crimson haired girl took in a deep breath, she wouldn’t listen in on the words of her peers, she couldn’t let it drag her down again. For the time being, she had to clear her head of any doubts, and hope that what she had done was enough to continue forward.

Hiraguchi was right beside her, evident on her features that she took note of the tangled mess of nerves her student had become. 

“Oh, relax would you.” Her whispered tone did little to tame the uncertainty that gathered in the younger girl’s chest.

Kasumi had tried to respond, with anything as confident as she felt she should be, but instead she fell silent. Small mumbles in place of actual words, the boisterous laughter from the others to the right of her only stressing her further. Kurusu would probably keep quiet in this situation, he would retain his composure and quell any fears he would have. Kasumi tried to imitate his stoic attitude, but she only stood to cause greater panic within herself. Hiraguchi spoke up again.

“Don’t listen to them, alright?”

She wasn’t. Were they talking about her?  _ She didn’t want to know, she didn’t want to know. _

“I gotta say, I’m impressed with what you did out there. So don’t be so tense, you came this far in under a week, after all.”

Kasumi offered the shortest lived, weary smile she could muster. This would make or break all that she trained for thus far, and she wished she could be as level headed about this as she normally was, but she had learned time and time again that there was no returning to  _ that _ normal. Going back on her word to Maruki couldn’t be worth nothing, Kurusu’s belief in her couldn’t be misplaced, if this was the end now—

She wasn’t sure how she would take it. 

The thought of it sounded unsportsmanlike, as if a routine she procured within five days was well worth the award of surpassing all the other hard working girls in the club. They would be livid if she was chosen, she knew they would be. The public nature of her argument with the coach was well known within the group, her redone act was no secret to them. Now she felt tied. Losing would break her stride, and winning would make her even more of an enemy to these girls. Kasumi looked to Hiraguchi, lost, searching for some kind of third option in this mess she made. But as the older woman turned to her, the judges had stepped out in front of them.

There was no hiding now. 

They announced their pleasantries, congratulating everyone for their hard work. Yet they all knew only one of them would be headed for the bigger competitions, and the crimson haired girl suddenly felt so many eyes pointed toward her. 

Kasumi felt herself wince, squeezed her eyes shut, wishing for this moment to just end already. “While all of you have performed so gracefully, we must declare a winner.” 

Hiraguchi shifted beside her, when the younger girl was brave enough to look at her, she gave her a sincere smile. That at least took some of the edge off, she didn’t let her eyes stray from the coach, the other girl’s glares would tear her to pieces if she so much as shot a glance back. And to the judges, she couldn’t stand it if she was a failure in front of everyone here.

“It’s clear one of you stood out from the rest.”

It was within the spirit of competition to want to be the winner, but this didn’t feel like it was just about winning. Kasumi  _ had _ to win, she couldn’t accept not being the victor, and something about it began to drive her further from any semblance of sanity. There was an electric spark in her nerves, a pain that told her to run before she was humiliated here. And yet she stood still, too curious not to know what the outcome would be. 

Kasumi had forgotten to breathe. She inhaled 

“Congratulations,  _ Kasumi Yoshizawa _ !”

And she exhaled with a strain in her throat. 

This was the news she was hoping for, but the state of excitement had yet to hit. Her coach however, gave her a roaring round of applause, as the rest of her club reluctantly followed. At the very least, she was relieved her dream didn’t die on this day. She would have so much more work to do, but she was the smallest bit proud she made it so far.

“See, I knew you could do it.” The praise from her coach brightened her spirit, now only wanting for the joy of this victory to finally come to her.  
  


-  
  


The auditorium had been nearly cleared out by the time Kasumi was able to get a stable hold on her trembling nerves. She had changed back into her plain clothes, ready to head home for the day. This should have been cause for celebration, but something about it didn’t give her the sense of accomplishment she thought it should have.

Was losing so terrible? 

The question picked at her from the moment she was denoted the club’s representative, because she wouldn’t know. And she wondered why she would even need to ask something so pointless, she must not have been feeling very well. This was just another step, it was reasonable that her reaction was less than she expected it would be.

Kasumi never lost, not once in her life. 

Her head began to throb, she shifted to balance herself on the edge of a wall. This was getting out of control, these migraines were non stop ever since—

Ever since she lost the most important thing in her life. 

The girl shook her head, no matter how persistent this pain was, she wouldn’t let it get to her, not again. Keeping her head in such a dark place was ill-fitting of the progress she made. She should be the happiest she had ever been, not empty like she was now. 

As she spotted a couple of girls from her club, she was frightened enough to take cover from them, unprepared for any criticism they might throw her way. But she couldn’t stop herself from hearing what they said.

“Can you believe it, Yoshizawa  _ again _ ?”

The other girl clicked her tongue, her expression reflecting a fair bit of annoyance.

“It’s totally unfair, that bitch gets everything she wants!”

Kasumi felt her stomach swell, she wanted to walk away, but she couldn’t let them know she was listening to their abuse.

“As if she deserved it after the stunt she pulled with Coach. God, it just pisses me off!”

The mention of it cut her down, she didn’t think she could ever forgive herself for that. Kasumi’s brows knit together, her classmates distaste for her was more than understandable, yet all the same it hurt like nothing else to see their frustration for herself. 

“Don’t you think it’s kind of suspicious too? That Yoshizawa is such a suck-up, and those judges look like a bunch of pervy old men...”

Her finger nails started to claw into the wall she hid behind, the suggestion was making her sick.

“Oh, you think little miss perfect gave them some  _ incentive _ ?”

She heard one of them  _ laugh _ .

“Wouldn’t surprise me y’know, after all Kamoshida even took a shine to her—“

Kasumi was done eavesdropping, they did enough provoking to elicit a response from her, and she couldn’t help but make herself known to these girls. They seemed surprised to see her, suddenly losing the courage to say more on the subject.

“That’s not true.” Her voice was shaking, and she knew she was so close to her breaking point. 

The two drew back from her, their faces lit with disgust. She felt herself persist, lurch toward them, desperate to make them understand.

“ _ I would never do something like that! _ ”

They merely gave her a single uncertain look before running out the door behind them. 

That’s right, she was alone now, and she cursed herself for ever forgetting it. In failure and in victory, all she had was herself. Was this the reason she felt so hollow? Wasn’t  _ this _ what she wanted? 

When her phone buzzed, she hardly registered it, the two gossipers had already burrowed in her head.Their words were stuck with her, playing on loop, making her feel filthy for something she had never done.The truth didn’t mean much to them, they hadn’t given her the time to explain herself. And why would they? They wouldn’t keep their little story to themselves either, they never did. She would be hearing it back and forth in the coming months. 

Yoshizawa fucked her way to the top.

It’s vulgar proposal tore away any pride she could have ever had in her ambitions, simply by its mere existence.

In an attempt to forgo whatever was brewing inside her, she checked her notifications, one name standing out to her. 

Kurusu Akira.

_ How’d it go? _

She felt her knees buckle under her weight, crashing down to the surface of the floor. Such an innocuous question shouldn’t have set her off, but she couldn’t stop her tears. 

_ Terrible, awful, everyone hates me. _

_ I think I hate me too. _

She erased it all, trying like hell to hold in her sobs as she made a final correction 

  
_I won!_ _  
_  


As if that mattered anymore. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was actually supposed to end on a brighter note, but then I did what I do best and screwed with it. 
> 
> It’ll pay off, eventually.


	6. On Clarity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ones definitely not my favorite chapter thus far, but it is kind of important for the setup i'm going for.  
> I have the next chapter all written out though, and that one is a lot less angsty than this one is.

The night proceeding her apparent success left her feeling nauseous. When her father greeted her as she left the school gate, he seemed so happy—happy for _her_. What should she have said? It was all a hoax? That what she worked so hard to achieve meant nothing, all because her peers thought so low of her? She forced herself to pretend she was just as overjoyed, her parents needed something to be proud of, even if it was as useless as her. 

In his hands lied a bouquet, she had received plenty of them over the years, but this didn’t have the same intent. It’s delicate petals haunted her, reeled her into a time she sought so hard to leave behind. 

He handed her _violets_ with the most sincere expression. Kasumi felt as if she would vomit right there, like this was all some kind of sick prank to teach her a lesson. Bile pressed to the perch of her throat, but she could not falter here. She swallowed, _hard_. This had to be her punishment for casting aside Sumire, for being so selfish to keep on going without her. The old Kasumi would never be this cruel, she loved Sumire, she would never coldly wish for her memory to pass so quietly. The new, broken Kasumi, only wanted what served her best. 

And even when she had that, she was still nothing. 

“It was a little sudden, but I thought I’d stop by the florist and give you a present.”

She was becoming talented at fooling the people around her, faking every smile and every bright inflection of her voice. Her father had yet to notice the downward spiral of her mental state, and she was never so grateful. The mere image of those flowers felt as if they were clawing their way deep inside her soul, accusing her of being an imposter, a hateful replacement of what should have been standing where she did. 

“Do you...not like them?” The tone of his voice became uncertain, his previous state of pride changed to that of concern. Perhaps she needed to be a little more convincing. 

Kasumi quickly corrected herself, taking the flowers from him with a vile, fake laugh.

“No, I love them! Thank you so much, Dad!”

The very statement left her skin crawling, the need for a long shower adding itself to her to-do-list. Although, this wasn’t something she could just wash off. 

But her father didn’t see through her, he nearly embraced her then, but staggered back, cautious not to smoother the soft violets that hung so helplessly from his daughter’s arms. He settled for a pat on her head, his eyes looked misty behind his glasses, as if he was also on the edge of tears.

“I’m so proud of you, _Kasumi_ . So _very proud_ , and I—“ His voice broke, but his smile did not disappear. She could feel his fingers gently shift through her hair. “I just wish your sister could see you now.” 

Her teeth came down on the inside of her cheek as her father let himself cry right in front of her. It may have been accompanied with quiet sobs and few, but lingering tears, yet she felt the weight of his emotions crush her into a fine dust. The muscles in her back tensed, this wasn’t the time to be ambivalent to this situation. Her father needed her, needed to know that she was getting better, even when she wasn’t. This profound wave of sentimentality should have overcome her too, this was her family, they were supposed to mean more to her than the world. 

Instead, she stood there, strangling the stems of her gift, eager for them to wilt and die before they even made it home. Their ride back would be nothing short of awkward, and she had no one but herself to blame for it.

And when she arrived there, she would sneak back to her room without a word, and destroy those damned things. 

* * *

Sunlight peeked through her curtains on this lazy Sunday morning, the heat of the day to come already getting under her skin. She usually loved the summer, now it was far more of a nuisance than it had ever been. 

Kasumi hadn’t made a habit of staying in bed so late, but the events of yesterday left her exhausted. There was no time to let what those girls said eat at her, even though they already had. Confusion manifested back into the roots of her mind, right when she was at the top of her game. While she may have been conflicted, she knew there was no turning away now. This was what she agonized over, for a dream, a dream she no longer fully understood. But it was there, still worth throwing aside everything else just to see it come to fruition. And hell, maybe she wasn’t the sore winner, more that they were the sore losers. 

Either way, she didn’t think it would matter in the long run. Even if the whole school wound up thinking she was a glory-chasing whore, Kasumi made it clear her ambitions came first. Everyone already hated her, there was nothing left to lose. 

Kasumi stretched her arms out, her back arching forward with the motion. Today was another day, and she had much more to do if she were to win the other competitions. She pulled her ribbon off the nightstand, gathering her hair to tie back. Kasumi never wore it down, it was too troublesome and thick to leave be. 

Besides, it never suited her. 

With a yawn, she swung her legs off the bed, her feet touching the tattered mess she left for herself last night. Petals were scattered in every which way on the floor, their stems messily split and torn asunder. Her father meant well, but the longer she had to look at those flowers, the more intense her headaches became. Kasumi sighed and got on her knees, it was best she cleaned this up before she had to explain herself. 

The anger she took out on these poor things was undeserved, and she was unsettled that she was able to do so much damage to the namesake of her sister. At any other time, she thought she would have treasured them, keeping them close to her. Yet, here they were, dissected and viciously abused for coming into her life. She always thought violets were beautiful flowers, but the symbolism of them now reminded her of days she couldn’t take with her. Days better left to fade with her memory, and part of her nearly felt the sorrow she thought she should have had all along, but it too faded as she tossed the dead violets into her trash bin. This was moving on; out with old, in with the new. 

The ring of her phone startled her back into the reality she had left, and she awkwardly stumbled over to her phone on the nightstand. 

She felt a sense of dread pull on her heart when she saw Akechi was calling.

No time was wasted wondering why she would get such a random call now, he had been busy for weeks, and she hadn’t the chance to speak with him too often. 

“Hello?” Her voice cracked, and she felt herself wince upon hearing it. 

“Good morning, Yoshizawa-san. I’m glad to know you’re an early riser.” He was louder than he should have been through her speakers, but she was eased that she could actually understand him, considering the state this phone was in. “I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”

“Oh, no not at all! I was just—“ She found herself taking a glimpse at the mangled flowers. “Cleaning up, is there something you need from me?”

Akechi left a short pause “I wanted to apologize for all the rescheduling I had to do for you. I’ve been caught up in my work lately, but I have time today, if you’re interested.”

She almost forgot she asked to see him again. With the pressure of her practice, she didn’t think she had the time to make for him either. The question then came to her mind, why was she able to see Kurusu instead?

Kasumi didn’t have the answer, didn’t want the answer. An electrical pop came from her phone, and she swiftly carried on. 

“Yes, of course. Where do you want to meet?” She suddenly had second thoughts, remembering what she promised to discuss with him. Though, she supposed it may have been necessary with the headspace she was in. 

-

Akechi did not have the same warming effect on her that Kurusu did, but she couldn’t fault him for it just because she was feeling so low. The company was certainly welcome, however the subject matter was beginning to take its toll on her. Today definitely wasn’t the most appropriate time to be opening up about her sister. 

Kasumi fixed her posture, attempting to appear in a better light than the first impression she must have left on him. This time, she made sure to tell her father she would be out for the day. While he was wise to her background, the state of her family was hardly anything she wished for a friend to know, she found herself wishing she could forget it all.

The detective sifted through papers, presumably about the case that had taken so much of his concentration. Though he mentioned he had time for her, she was positive it had to be borrowed. 

“I apologize for the silence, a coworker of mine dropped all of this on me shortly after I called you.” Akechi let out a yawn. “That woman sure loves to work me to the bone.” 

Kasumi gave him a reassuring smile as she leaned in toward him. “That’s okay. I hope it’s not too much for me to ask, but is it about the Phantom Thieves?”

The group had become very popular among the students at Shujin this summer, and while she understood the appeal, the overtly romantic nature of their justice had stalled her from falling in love with them, as many of her classmates did. Akechi had made it clear he was vehemently against them, and whether or not she agreed wasn’t something she thought too hard about. They seemed only to be a juvenile fad, as far as she could tell. The dependency her peers had on them was something that bothered her, however. As if a small group like that could really solve any problem. 

_If only it could be so simple…_

“You’re quite astute, Yoshizawa-san. Did the dark circles under my eyes give it away?” 

There was an underlying edge to his smile, he must have been sick of the Phantom Thieves more than she was. 

“Everyone seems to be talking about them nowadays... It’s too bad you have to lose sleep for this sort of thing, though.” 

Akechi shifted back in his seat, fingers hooked to the handle of his cup of coffee.   
“Yes, well—the price of fame is immense.” He took a sip and finally let his eyes meet hers. “Are you a fan?”

It was asked teasingly, and much less professionally than he usually presented himself as. The girl gave him a small shrug in reply. 

“Y’know when it all started, I thought it was just a prank.” 

She vividly remembered the day the school’s bulletin board was piled with their calling card, exposing Kamoshida for the vile man he was. Though, she shamefully recalled thinking the actions they targeted him for were just as false. 

“I can’t say I’d be upset if it wasn’t, though.”

If they were truly real, she would have to thank them in some way. Because of their efforts, she may have been spared as another victim. The very concept chilled her to the core, and she couldn’t shake the guilt of making it out unscathed, not when so many others weren’t as lucky. Although, she wondered if that alone was enough to justify their continued existence, on the notion that they did exist.

Kasumi wasn’t much for politics like this, she would leave that for Akechi to sort out. 

“ So you believe in their cause?” Akechi’s focused glare made her lose the nerve she was trying to maintain. Still she crossed her legs and brushed back her bangs with a slight giggle. 

“Gosh, this feels like a trap. If I say yes, I’ll sound like I’m not supporting you, but if I say no—it’ll seem like I’m siding with the terrible people they’re after.” 

While she was torn on the matter, there was one thing she did believe in.

“But...ideally, wouldn’t you want them to succeed?”

A playful smirk lined the young detective’s features. 

“ _Ideally_ , they would have no reason to exist.” She could hear the repressed venom in his statement, and as he reclined back, she was lost on how serious he was taking this exchange. 

“Let’s set aside the Phantom Thieves for now, shall we? I’ve been meaning to ask you some questions of my own.” 

Suddenly, his stare felt a lot more invasive than she expected. This was what she had asked for, she couldn’t cower from it now. 

The detective rested his chin on the back of his hand. “As you suggested before, why don’t we pick up where we left off?”

Kasumi put on her façade as she smiled brightly for him. “Ask away!”

A moment passed while he was quietly collecting himself, his other set of fingers lightly drumming on the table. “When the incident occurred, where your sister was killed, were you present at the scene?” 

The mask she wore shattered as she heard him, the appearance of her handling this in a calm manner wouldn’t be feasible with her memories as broken as they were. The nonchalant way he spoke only added to her apprehension. 

“No, I wasn’t.” Kasumi assumed she would have remembered the moment she saw Sumire _die_. Though she really wasn’t certain, and she was terrified to look further for a more adequate response. 

“Oh? When did you first hear of the accident then?” 

“I—“ She didn’t remember, nothing at all surfaced when he prompted her.   
“My father must have told me. It was...such a long day, I probably locked it out of my memory.”

It was her best guess, but she was concerned Akechi wouldn’t trust such a vague answer. 

“You don’t remember?”

 _And she didn’t want to_.

Her hands began to tremble, she had never been drilled like this before. What was worse, the questions he was asking weren’t even difficult to respond to. The trauma she faced from the issue was narrowly an excuse, her life may have changed because of it, but the real loss of the situation had yet to come to her as it did for her parents. 

“I’m sorry. It was so long ago.”

“It was three months ago, Yoshizawa-san.” 

Her eyes widened. 

Three months.

Why had it felt like an eternity? 

She could hardly think that far back, how was she supposed to recall anything from that time? 

“Can we move on to something else?”

Akechi nodded, and she breathed a sigh of relief. “Had you seen your sister at all that day? Perhaps—you may have had an argument?” 

She flinched, unable to contain some ugly feeling boiling up in her. 

“No—I...we never—“ Whether or not it may have been an accurate statement was irrelevant. She wouldn’t accept it, every part of her refused the very possibility. “No. I didn’t see her that day.” The words she spoke were firm, more confident than she had been with him before.

“So, where were you?”

Her sights fell, and she heard herself stammer for any kind of excuse. But there were none, nothing of any weight. No truth hid in her subconscious, it was blank, untapped and empty. 

“You don’t know?”

Fingers folded tightly into the fabric of her shorts as she reluctantly affirmed with the slightest nod. There was something about Akechi’s expression that made him seem entertained by her answer. Kasumi shook her head and looked away from him.

“Those are _very_ convenient lapses of memory you have.”

His doubt quickly pressed her to say anything she could in her own defense. “It—it was just so mundane that...”

Suddenly her own doubts were starting to surface. This was the truth that was left with her, there was no other testimony she could give in its place. “That I just completely forgot about it!” 

She heard him inhale and braced herself for what more he could torture her with. 

“You’re sure, Kasumi?” It didn’t sound as nice when he said her first name, but her refusal to respond had him repeat himself. “I said, are you sure, _Kasumi?_ ”

What was unpleasant before, felt degrading now. She snapped herself out of the daze she was in. “I’m sure.” 

Kasumi cautiously spared a glance his way, but she couldn’t make heads or tails of his reaction. 

“Do you remember how it happened?” The low register of his voice did little to calm her. She wrapped her arms around herself, no cold air to blame for it now, it was the will of her insecurity taking over. 

“My sister was killed by a drunk driver.” Once she said it, she felt that the facts left in her brain may have been incorrect. Memories hadn’t matched with context, if she had any left that wouldn't tear her mind in two trying to find it. To question herself now would take her down again, and she was becoming weary of the dark places that would lead her. 

“Don’t you already know this?” 

Akechi merely scoffed. “ _Humor me_.” 

Holding her stare became uncomfortable, the implication that he was comparing what he knew with her account of the events horrified her. The memories she had from then were blurry, hardly reliable, if they were really there at all.

“Yoshizawa-san,” She wouldn’t let herself look away again, but his diligent gaze felt so dangerous. “Are you being honest with me?” 

What reason did she have to lie? 

“Of course I am.”

How brilliant of her, to ask a detective of all things to keep her company. He must have had the experience of interrogating dozens of others, and yet she still chose to be so open about the death of her sister. There had to be something she was missing, something that wasn’t coming to her. A reason as to why such a busy young man chose to spend his day with a nobody like her. 

“I see...and your sister—ah, what was her name again...?” Akechi tiredly tapped his fingers to his forehead. “These all nighters really must be getting to me.” A small chuckle escaped him as he continued on pensively. 

“Sumire.” She finally said, garnering his full attention. 

“Interesting.”

Somehow she thought he must have known she would say that, as if he was baiting her the entire time. A small part of her suddenly felt betrayed. This was just a game to him. 

But she fell for it, didn’t she? 

Akechi grabbed a paper beside him, lifting it up and showing it to her. “The report I have seems to contradict everything you’ve told me.”

His cold cadence began to scare her, and the plausibility of her memory being completely false caused a stirring in her head. Her eyes shut tight, she wouldn’t look at what he had, the simple prospect drove her insane. An unknown intrusion flaring up her migraines the longer this conversation dragged on. 

“I noticed the first time we met, when your father called to you—“ A curious loud buzzing went off in her ears, she couldn’t catch all of what he said, but her senses came back briefly. “And then you confirmed it when I addressed you.” 

The sensation was light at first, but as Akechi opened his mouth once more, she felt it crush her.

“Are you aware that you’re—“ They were the only words she heard before the high pitched ringing blared in her ears, the volume spiking in intensity while he continued to speak. 

The pain had her swiftly jolt back in her chair and cover her ears as she doubled over in the most immense pain she had ever felt. Kasumi bit on her lip to keep herself from screaming, but the oppressive force on her brain begged her to writhe, submit to it. Akechi seemed light years away, darkness had clouded her vision as her knees scraped against the asphalt beneath her. Soon her shoulders blades met the ground, and even when she knew she had her eyes pried open, she saw nothing. Any concern of what she may have looked like now was far from her.

“ _Yoshizawa!_ ”

Through the brain splitting screech blasting inside the deepest part of her ears,she thought she could hear someone. The voice was muffled, hardly audible, but she was able to make out that it was her name being spoken.

_Her name…_

The pressure building in the walls of her skull pressed harder, and harder still. The night she searched through her journal entries came forefront in her memories, being the only prior experience she had with this agonizing attack on her. But soon the context of when and why was lost, focusing on finding it was nigh impossible when her body was losing all control. 

There was nothing more she could anchor back to, she felt as though she were trapped in void, unable to do anything but squirm and struggle against the sensory overload taking apart her nerves piece by piece. The noise made her quiver, the aching persistence of this grip on her mind left her to throw her head back against the hard concrete below. The impact made her dizzy, incredibly disoriented when her neck lifted from the ground, but the sound heightened each and every time she tried to forcefully knock it out. Her motions were halted to a stop before she could even attempt a third, something holding up the base of her skull from plummeting again. The seizing that shook her body was also contained, her legs and arms met with resistance, trying to keep her from thrashing around. 

And as the ringing came to its zenith, she extended her jaw, wanting nothing but to cry out. Yet, she couldn’t hear herself, the strain on her lungs suggested she must have made a sound, but whatever was happening to her erased the evidence. It’s ruthless piercing grasp captured her entirely, seeping in and out of every pour, giving her no rest nor rapture. The climax had finally been reached, what every migraine had been building to at last hit—and it consumed her body and soul until it’s torment ripped away what it had been after for so long. 

Her head rang like a bell, sharp and blunt all at the same time, and then it washed away. 

Kasumi fell still, no more pain, no more thought, the peace of quietness lulled her back to shut her eyes. Salvation came to her with the lack of sense, a numbness that carried her into a deep sleep.

-

The privilege of consciousness returned to her serenely, but as she opened her eyes, the surroundings placed before her were vastly unfamiliar. No sense of anxiety came with the realization, merely curiosity in its stead. Her half lidded eyes were much too groggy to pry open in fear. Even wide awake, she doubted this environment could scare her. What she could see, with bleary and unfocused vision( she may have needed assistance with her eyesight as of late), was a plain yet neatly organized living room. The low, electric hums from the wires lining the walls were like a lullaby, pulling her back into drowsiness. Kasumi forced herself to move, subtlety shifting around as she caught the sound of Akechi’s measured speech.

“Are you positive you’ve never heard of her?”

As silent as this room was, she had to strain herself to understand what he was saying. 

“ _Why?_ ” She heard him scoff

“Were you listening to a word I said, this girl just—“ The young detective swallowed, and she turned her body to face him. He hadn’t noticed her yet. 

“There’s no reason to raise your voice at me, I was simply asking a question.” 

She saw him standing at what she assumed to be the entryway, his fingers nervously tapping against the door he was leaning on. Briefly, she wondered if she should make herself known. Kasumi sat herself up, and a sudden soreness from the back of her head warned her not to move so quickly. 

“Sir, if I may—“ The words he spoke seemed to be stolen from him, and his grip on the phone tightened. “Fine then. I’m sorry to have wasted your _precious_ time.” 

“Akechi-san.” 

His eyes finally found hers, and within the same moment he set his phone down on the counter adjacent to him. Now, she was nervous. The face he maintained was about as blank as Kurusu’s normally was, but the harsh tone he had mere seconds ago gave her the impression he wasn’t in the best of moods. Still, she had a right to know why she woke up in someone else’s apartment.

Her hand involuntarily went to the back of her head, a dull throbbing keeping her from thinking straight. 

Just what happened to her? 

“You’re awake.” It was said so matter-of-factly, she felt as though she could rest easy knowing his frustrations weren’t pointed at her. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay. My head kinda hurts though.” Fingers traced a bump left at the juncture where her spine met her skull, it was small but aching. The sharp pain drew her hand back, warning her not to touch it again. “I’m guessing this has something to do with why I’m here then?” 

Akechi walked over to her, sitting himself down on an ottoman right across from her.

“That’s correct. You fainted and I brought you back here.” He clasped his hands together, letting out a deep sigh. “I must confess, I did so out of my own convenience, and... _selfishness_.” 

Kasumi kept her eyes locked on any movement he made, she wasn’t sure what kind of answers he had for her, if he had any at all. While she was curious, she wondered if there was much to tell. She kept quiet, waiting for Akechi to fill in the blanks. 

“After what I saw, I had to be sure of something. I was hoping you could clarify my suspicions.” 

“What did you see?” She pulled her legs in closer, cautiously inquiring what might have occurred in the time she lost her senses. 

Akechi eyes drifted to the floor for a few contemplative seconds. “I take it that doesn’t often happen to you, do you remember anything before you blacked out?”

Kasumi shook her head “The last that I can recall was, uhm...” The palm of her hand pushed flush against her temple, concentrating on what she could gather from her recent memories. “We were talking about the Phantom Thieves, right? After that, it's all hazy.”

Any context of why she was even seeing him had been wiped as well, but she wouldn’t fuss over this. She bumped her head, it was only natural she would forget a few things. 

“Maybe it was low blood sugar? I don’t think I ate before leaving the house.” Her suggestion didn’t appear to satisfy the older boy. 

“Low blood sugar wouldn’t induce that kind of reaction.”

“What do you mean? Didn’t you say I fainted?”

Akechi bowed his head, reluctant to respond. His index finger rapidly tapped on his knuckles, and she saw him subtly mouth something before returning her gaze.

“Do you know about the mental shutdown cases that were on the news? What you went through earlier was eerily similar to what they have been described as. You lost control of yourself, your eyes rolled to the back of your head...it was as if you were no longer in your own body .” 

Hearing his account made a chill run up her spine, and she thought she must have been lucky something so terrifying was lost from her memory. 

“But you survived. _Why?_ ” 

_She survived._ The word called her back to one particular rainy day, but she stopped herself before the scene could play out. The detective made her accident seem like a horror story, but the way she was feeling now told her the opposite.

There was clarity, of which she hadn’t experienced in a very long while. 

“It’s—it’s just a little bump, you shouldn’t worry so much.”

“I’m not worried.” 

Kasumi pulled back, nearly stricken by his aggressive response. Akechi’s stern features softened, quick to correct his perceived mistake.

“Forgive me, Yoshizawa-san. I wanted to keep my composure for your sake, I’m just so—“

“So baffled. I have absolutely no idea what’s happening to you, no answers, no leads, _nothing_ about you makes any sense at all.” Knuckles rubbed under his eye, the dark circles becoming apparent the moment his hand pulled away from his face.

“It’s almost embarrassing, considering my title.” He let out a short lived, soft laugh as his chin fell into his palm. “Damn it all, you really don’t remember a thing. “ 

He told her he hadn’t slept very well, and now that she was really looking, she could see it clear in his motions. Suddenly she understood why he had such a short fuse. With the realization, came the guilt of wasting his time the way she did. Whatever awful thing that happened to her didn’t seem so important. A ‘mental shutdown’, as Akechi had called it, had to be a far cry from the truth. Kasumi never felt so refreshed, as if she was waking up from a long nightmare. If anything the incident helped more than harmed. 

The moment was lost for her, and the ins and outs of how it occurred were hardly relevant anymore. If she could, she wanted to grant the same peace of mind to Akechi. She saw his hand crawl down his face once again, vainly attempting to appear as well adjusted as she suspected he wanted to be. 

“I suppose that should be ample reason to continue my investigation, if only to satisfy my own curiosity.”

Kasumi reached for his shoulders with a firm grip, warranting his eyes to level with hers. As far as she was concerned, he had already answered her most pressing question. 

“I should be the last thing on your mind, Akechi-san. You’ve been working hard on other things, so I can’t just give you another problem to solve.” She offered him a bright smile. “I appreciate you taking care of me, but you don’t have to go out of your way. Think of yourself first, okay?”

His demeanor changed, a glint in the look he gave her. The calm Akechi she knew wasn’t the one she held onto. In his place was someone else entirely.  
  
“I didn’t.”

He was exhausted. The exchange he had on the phone skewed his mood, she heard it all. So his scathing tone didn’t scare her, it strangely gave her the motivation to keep her smile.

“ I didn’t take care of you.” 

For his sake, she let go of him, giving him the space he wanted. She swung her legs off his couch, an uneasy giggle slipping out of her when the gesture was too much for her body to handle yet. 

“Something tells me this bump would be a lot bigger if you hadn’t.” 

“You’d have given yourself a concussion if I hadn’t stopped you.” As flatly as he spoke, she believed he did it for her. Akechi was distant, mysterious, and guarded, but she had dealt with this before. With enough persistence, she could warm up even the coldest of hearts. 

“You know what that means, Akechi-san?” The boy addressed didn’t flinch. “It means I owe you one.”

The promise gained his attention, along with a return to his prior form. Akechi reflected her smile, even ever so slightly. 

“I’ll hold you to it, then.”

* * *

Another day gone, no training, and no concept where to go next. The light was taken with it, assuring her that she couldn’t make any compromise to make up for the time spent with Akechi. There was no point dwelling on it, she had homework to finish, and her clock indicated she should have been in bed hours ago. She tapped her pencil on the side of her notebook, what she wrote down was drivel, but it always earned her high grades despite its apparent steep level. Leaning forward in her chair, she couldn’t be less concerned with going over it now, she was only halfway done and the ticking of her alarm clock began to weather her. 

Focus. 

Kasumi put the eraser end of her pencil to her lips, any concentration she had was breaking with each tick. Every word on the page blended together, and she wondered if she could get away with doing the rest of this on the train, or before class. Her mind easily drifted back to Akechi, but more to the things he implicated to her. It shouldn’t have been a bother to her, despite the goose egg on the back of her head, she finally felt alleviated from the stress that strangled her the other night. However temporary it might have ended up being. 

And she suspected it’d be miserably brief, with her luck. 

Now, she had to question if Akechi would look into her, if he hadn’t done so before (she assumed she knocked out the answer to that when she fell.) Although she found it strange, he shouldn’t have had so much interest in her. She had lived a simple life, her talents in gymnastics being her only standout quality. The lengths of which she and Sumire—

It took a moment to let the thought catch up with her. She hadn’t reminisced about her all evening, that must have been a new record. And suddenly she was all the more thankful for her incident earlier, maybe all she needed was a good smack on the head. Maybe…

Maybe she liked being independent from her, without the need to force her sister out of her mind. 

For the meantime, she’d have to get back to her notes. Kasumi turned her head, deciding she should finish her work before the night ended. But her drive was interrupted , catching a glimpse of the flowers left in the trash. The sight of it made her weak, it’s silhouette became ghostly, bearing into her without pain. She could faintly see its shadow stretch and expand on the wall, shaping itself into an entirely different form. Her tired eyes followed its transformation until it stopped. A pair desperately huddled together, hands clasped tight so nothing could tear them apart. 

She let out a shallow breath in real time, a state of lightheadedness taking its toll on her. With one last glance at the violets, warped and battered and wilted, her body fell limp as she collided with the floor not a second later. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, symbolic parallels, I live for this kind of stuff. 
> 
> Anyway, the idea i'm going off of here is that Azathoth's ability has some preeeetty bad side effects. If any of you have played persona 2, I'm kind of modeling Azathoth to be a bit like Nyarlathlotep, at least in terms of how he came to be. 
> 
> ...holy shit I just looked it up...  
> Azathoth was Nyarlathotep's father in Lovecraftian lore.  
> I guess I was really on to something there LOL.


	7. On Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m happy to say that nothing all that terrible happens in this chapter.  
> Every now again we need a break from the anguish, and it’s about damn time isn’t it.
> 
> In any case the pacing for this chapter might go by a little quick seeing as this wound up being a lot longer than I thought it would. 
> 
> Some dialogue was taken straight from the game, some paraphrased, a lot shoved in to make the events of the other chapters make sense within this context.  
> So this is more recontextualized than it is rewritten.

“Thought you’d be more excited.” 

Kurusu often showed he was more perceptive than she expected. The dull tone in her voice when she brought up the recent victory must have been too obvious not to catch. In her defense, he had asked her, as if he knew something was off the moment they met up. Nothing was wrong, she assured, she was right as rain, and even _righter_ than that—if that made sense. Though, in hindsight she supposed he wouldn’t take her word for it when she was being so clearly suspicious, struggling to hold her head as high as she used to. Kasumi told him about her win the day it happened, now she regretted ever doing so, considering the expectation he had of her. She wasn’t here to celebrate something she didn’t even see as an actual accomplishment, she was here to talk about _him_. 

And as always he was a slippery eel when it came to revealing anything about himself. She was hoping she could petal that deal they made, however he hadn’t given way yet. 

“It won’t mean much if I don’t win the other competitions, I have to keep that in mind.” Humble as it was, her reply was more of a ploy to sweep his attention off her, if at all possible.

The older boy was silent for a second, shifting himself against the wall he was backed to.  
“You’re doing that thing, again.” 

She was curious what he meant, but she wouldn’t say a word. It’d spoil all the fun if she made it about herself. Kurusu spared a glance at her with a sigh, nudging her shoulder with his. 

“Cut yourself some slack, Kasumi.” 

Ah, there it was again. Just as she was told by Hiraguchi, and Maruki to some extent. A busybody like her hadn’t the time to congratulate herself for permanently ruining her reputation to her peers. Perish the thought she ever told him so. That was her cross to bear, and she would take it as long as she had to. 

All for a dream. 

“I’m taking a break right now, Senpai!”

Her smile fooled everyone, but not him, not today. 

“Are you really happy like this?”

The question took her aback, not even her therapist countered her when she put on a brave smile. Any cracks in her disguise did little to convince her to air out all of what had been piling up on her subconscious. 

“Happier than I’ve ever been.”

And she didn’t think she was lying, not entirely. Happiness was waking up without a migraine, happiness was eating alone at lunchtime so she didn’t have to hear the whisper campaign brewing against her. Happiness was moments like these, when she didn’t have to think about herself. When the hell she suffered through could be preceded by _something_ — _anything_ better than what she had now. No matter how terrible her situation became, it’d be worth it just so she could talk to Kurusu, and she found herself satisfied with him being enough to pull through another horrible day. She doubted he could ever understand her simple pleasures, or even return them. 

To her happiness was...contentment. Even if it felt hollow, winning was the better alternative to agonizing every little thing she did wrong. What he may have been referring to before was unobtainable, she only had the small things. And she’d be damned if she couldn’t hold on to it. 

“If you say so.” His eyes closed as he drifted away, he hadn’t moved an inch yet…

She felt barred from him suddenly. 

“U-uhm,” She stuttered, she hated when she did that. But the cold shoulder had brought down her confidence considerably, even though she knew he had no intention of doing so.  
“It’s your turn—to say something about yourself.”

Her hands trembled, and she felt off kilter being so shy on the drop of a dime. Kurusu was quick to notice the change in her attitude, giving a playful, gentle shove to her arm. 

“Fine.” He said as if it were a bother, but she could see him hold back a smile. “If it’ll make you happy.” 

Kasumi felt her tensed muscles relax, never taking her eyes off him for even a second. 

Right now, he was enough to stay strong for.  
  
  


* * *

  
  


A daily ritual of sorts soon became a necessity in her life, if she didn’t want to prove her fellow club members right about her mental state. They grew more vicious each week, what started out as a small, albeit _rude_ , rumor about her, was now billowing out of control. They came for her sanity, her dignity, everything she had left. But if it was war they were waging, she wouldn’t be taken under. So she did what she had to, for the sake of her recovery, for the sake of creating that new normal she so desperately needed. For the sake of the ambition that took her under first, she wasn’t going to be their victim too. 

When morning came, she rushed any unneeded ideas out, thinking only of what she was doing—taking a shower, brushing her teeth, making breakfast—the process, and only the process. Kasumi might have appeared robotic in her approach, her father seemed vexed watching her so stiffly ready herself for school. Lost in so much focus that she hadn’t bid him any farewells as he left for work. Part of her hoped he wouldn’t take offense, but the sentiment was swiftly forced out in place of what she had to do next.

Get dressed, brush her hair, tie it back, and…

Perhaps she would skip on the makeup today, she had nowhere to be after school. She nearly slapped herself for thinking so far ahead, if this was going to work she had to be disciplined. And the filler thought of asking a favor of Kurusu came to mind, he handled everything with a level head, it’d be more than useful to learn such a composed temperament from him. Again, she had strayed from what she allowed herself to think of, and shook her head. Maybe that was a request for another time. 

What was left from here was to walk to the train station, she kept her eyes on her feet, counting each step she took to get there. And as she waited for the trains, she counted the tiles she could see, any chatter from the students behind her was none of her concern. Even when she heard her name being thrown around from time to time, she kept marking out the squares in her mind. Even when she knew what they were saying wasn’t kind in the least, she organized her thoughts in the weathered tiles. 

On the train she studied, as much as could with the loud conversations all bleeding into one static sound that penetrated her concentration. This was what it would take however, never an idle moment, that was what she used to do, wasn’t it? Though the quality of the information that stuck was less than helpful for her test this afternoon, she’d keep her nose buried in her textbook and pray any of it would click by next period. It was better to fret over her grades than the disgusted stares she was receiving as she sat in evident obliviousness. 

Were they talking about her? 

_She was too busy to notice._

She dared not flinch when she stepped off the train, repeating her motions of counting her steps until she arrived at school. And she’d let the letters stuffed in her shoe locker fall without a glance at what any of them said, because she knew what they were. The innocuous appearance of a love letter was a farce. With her reputation, all she was getting were threats, baseless, petty threats. But she gave them credit for being so _clever_ , if only she’d been a little more naïve. She traded her shoes and shoved the piles of notes in the nearest trash bin, right where they belonged 

Her school day carried out as usual, honing in on her teachers lecture, biting her lip when the whispers started. She’d often find herself tugging on loose strands of hair when she got nervous, a quirk she was certain she didn’t have before. When she curled her fingers in, the strands laid trapped in her grasp and out of the roots of her hair. She wasn’t sure how many times the process repeated, but she discreetly disposed of them when she had the chance. Excusing herself to use the restroom, Kasumi had to breathe in some fresh air to stay calm, and maybe so she could have a place to _vomit_ had the need arisen. Lucky her, the stress had not gotten so intense yet. 

The test went better than expected, surprised, but by no means troubled by her ability to think clearly when she needed to. Hours ticked by, she felt it minute by minute until the bell rang for the final time. An exhale left her, relieved that she could unwind before going home and doing it all over again tomorrow. 

School had ended, and she was never so thankful that she didn’t have practice today. While she was still very adamant about her training regime, she would relax for tonight, her club had given her enough trouble as it was. Her classmates might not have liked her, but the other girls in her club _hated_ her. Hiraguchi tried to reign them in, against Kasumi’s own wishes, but it wasn’t nearly enough to temper their vendetta for her. She knew one girl in particular—Anri Tachibana, who really stirred the pot. Kasumi learned she was the girl that first spread the seedling of a notion that she might not have won honestly, and it then became her god given mission to drag her name through the mud. The way Kasumi had handled it may have exacerbated her grudge, showing that she eavesdropped on their conversation, only to come out of hiding just to yell at her. 

Yes, she understood why she was taking this so far. Kasumi was, In the other girl’s words, 

_Just the most unlikable bitch._

And while the statement first bothered her, she was able to find humor in it now. What did it matter what the other girl said about her? She lost. Whatever she could do to her now was nothing, she had the competitions to stress over, not some playground name calling that Tachibana was hellbent on conjuring up. She was already alone, there was virtually no one at school who cared for her anyway. 

Stepping off the train, she wandered further out of the station, taking as many deep breaths as she could to quell the stirring nerves—telling her to find the most remote location she could, and tear her vocal cords out until this unnameable emotion had disappeared for good. It was almost laughable, the one thing that could snatch her attention away from Sumire was a mess of her own making. A mess that required a careful touch, and any misstep could make it so much worse. With one final sigh, she reminded herself of the rules she made to keep her from going crazy, ashamed she couldn’t let go of it for even a day. She was counting on them losing interest in her, if she didn’t give them any reaction at all they’d leave her be, she only hoped it wouldn’t last too long. 

It was just another process, this wasn’t a permanent fixture she had gotten herself into, it was merely an agonizing transition to something much better than this. There was no time to fall apart, she had to keep faith no matter what. And faith may have been all she had now, the unyielding belief that there was a light at the end of this tunnel. Finding it where she did brought an ounce of guilt to her, but if he was the only good thing she had going for her…

Then so be it, she would be shameless. 

The sight of Kurusu made her heart leap, and with it came the instantaneous excuses of how bad her week had been without him. As for now, she wouldn’t have her mind stormed with anymore unnecessary thoughts. 

“Senpai,” She called out, catching up to him at the station square. “What a pleasant surprise, are you headed home too?” 

He turned to her, faint confusion spreading across his features. Whatever may have been going on in his head, he suppressed it with a nod. 

“Same here—I don’t have club practice today.” Saying it out loud felt a lot more liberating than she ever thought it could. Avoiding those girls, if only for a single day, was probably exactly what she needed. 

And now she was here, where she wanted to be. Anywhere else in the world would feel lonely compared to this spot, she stood next to what seemed like the only person in the universe that didn’t want to see her strung up and humiliated. Teeth grated into her lip, a small, if not deceptively _harmless_ , possessiveness creeped into her as a request came to mind.

“Maybe we could talk, if you aren’t too busy.”

She could see his jaw stiffen, something unknown causing him to eye her like he did. 

“Kasumi,” He started, “Did something happen?”

A powerful and sudden rush of anxiousness took control of her, and she felt her hand draw up to some stray hairs sticking out from her ponytail. 

“I’m completely fine, why do you ask?”

Strong as the emotional toll was, she was impressed with herself for sounding so convincing. Kurusu was not as easily swayed. He never was.

“Ah, _how do I put this?_ ” His words came out under his breath. “You kind of look like a mess.”

She felt her fingers tug. 

“Oh, I haven’t really been sleeping well lately. But I’m alright, practice is usually enough to tire me out eventually. “ 

At some point it had to, the sleepless nights began to affect her performances. Waking up only to then realize she had to suffer through school made a restful sleep a steep challenge, her mind hung on the dread of it all. And if she had slept, it was barely any better. The nightmares she’d been getting lately were nothing short of torture, and if that wasn’t enough, the imagery she saw there manifested in to night terrors. On more than one occasion she found herself waking up sprawled out on the floor. Fresh blood and saliva lined the ridges of her cheeks where, she assumed, she bit the inside of her mouth. 

Adjustments were in order, otherwise she had herself under control. At least, she had to get it under control. 

Kurusu drew nearer to her, and she felt her body reacting in a strange way when he caught her wrist.

“You’re pulling out your hair.” 

Her hand went limp in his grasp, he was right, crimson threads hung inside her curled fingers.

“That’s—“

_Get it under control._

“Why I wanted to talk with you...” Her voice grew softer, much less confident than what was typical. 

Kurusu let go, and her arm dropped to her side. She was trapped now. What would she say to him? Discussing the harassment she was facing on the daily was out of the question, Sumire even more so, and it’d be too transparent of a lie to blame this all on practice. 

“Hm? Kurusu-kun?” The sound of another voice lifted her from the self imposed reprimands she was administering in her mind. When she turned her head, she was eased to see Akechi. 

“Ah, and Yoshizawa-san.” The detective gave her a gentle smile. 

“It’s nice to see you again, Akechi-san.” Kasumi returned to his gesture, feeling somewhat saved he interrupted them when he did. 

“You two know each other?” Her eyes drifted back to Kurusu, his speech coming out oddly forced, likely the smallest bit frustrated she changed her tune so suddenly. 

“My father works at the TV station. Have you ever seen ‘Good Morning Japan’? He’s the director. “

Akechi faced the other boy, a docile nod in affirmation. 

“I’ve been brought on to the show as a guest a number of times now. That’s how I ended up becoming acquainted with Yoshizawa-san.”

There was an aura of familiarity between the two boys, and she was torn between either feeling very lucky, or terribly misfortunate. The way Kurusu exchanged a glance with Akechi, she was leaning toward the latter.

This was going to get awkward, she could just sense it.

“I didn’t know you knew her as well, Kurusu-kun.” 

The boy addressed lifted his glasses, his focused stare and stone face as solid as ever.  
“She’s my friend.”

Something about the word made her melt. To hear him say that was one of those simple pleasures she couldn’t help but indulge in. And much to her further embarrassment, her face felt _very_ hot now. Kasumi attempted to sound as casual as she could.

“He helped me out of a jam before, and now he’s been offering me guidance.”

Akechi shot a glimpse at the shorter boy “Helped you out of a jam, eh?”

He let out a brief chuckle “How _considerate_.”

That tension she was wary of seemed to be rearing itself out again. But the brunet had more to add, lest the air grow stale.

“So, what were you two up to? You seemed quite entranced before I interjected.”

She found herself helplessly looking at Kurusu, as if he could pull another miracle and get her out of this jam too. Although, Akechi had seen much more of her than she was ready to admit to the other boy. She was hoping she could use his lack of understanding in the situation to duck out of explaining herself. It’d be too humiliating to bear her troubles to _both_ of them. Kurusu clenched his jaw, a clear reaction to her pleading eyes, he switched his sights back to Akechi. 

“She was just telling me about how she uh—“ She was met with his grey irises again, and a nudge of his head to ask her to come to his rescue this time. “ _You know,_ ” 

“Oh-oh yes! That’s right, I was telling Kurusu-senpai about my uhm—“

 _Incredible_ , they both floundered around like hooked fish, and Akechi simply watched on as they struggled to stitch together a cohesive narrative. 

She saw the young detective raise his brow and she stammered out the first plausible alibi she could think of.

“ I mentioned to you that I was a gymnast, remember? Recently I was chosen to represent my club for upcoming competitions. It’s ah...” Her words trailed off, and she offered a nervous smile to placate the disaster she just spewed from her mouth. “ _Very exciting_.”

What an attempt at fooling a _detective_.

“Oh, isn’t your club considered to be quite prestigious?” He left a pause before giving Kasumi a congratulatory grin.“And _you’re_ their representative. I must say, that’s extremely impressive.”

 _Wait, did he really just buy into that?_

Kasumi darted her gaze back to Kurusu, who in turn merely shrugged.

“Th-thank you! I’ll do my best to make everyone proud.” 

With a second glance at the brunet, his head tilted to the side and his smile led her to believe he knew more than he was letting on. Doubtful he took her at face value, all attributed to their stunning performance.

“I’ll be cheering you on as well.”

Maybe she should clear it with him later that she was telling the truth, or at least…

 _half_ of one. 

Kasumi nearly said something to that effect, as subtle as she could muster without then becoming suspicious to the raven haired boy standing right across from her. 

Akechi however, spoke first.

“Ah, I have an idea—since all three of us are here, why don’t go somewhere as a group? We can call it our little celebration for Yoshizawa-san’s success.”

She forced herself to keep up her smile. This wasn’t something she wanted to celebrate, not the way it happened, the reverence between the two was suffocating her. Such a bizarre veto to his proposal would hardly benefit her recovery, so she kept it to herself—as she always did. 

“That sounds like a wonderful idea.” She could hear it in her own voice that this was a half hearted compromise. “Does that work for you, Kurusu-senpai?” 

He nodded, and Akechi swiftly stepped in closer to the pair 

“That settles it then. Yoshizawa-san, why don’t we go to that café we usually frequent, what do you say?”

His choice of words perplexed her, but she knew they must have been entirely deliberate. 

“Oh, yes of course. By all means, lead the way.”

“Ah—“ Kurusu spoke as if he didn’t mean to, immediately jamming his mouth shut as soon as he made the noise. 

“Is there something the matter Kurusu-kun?” The detective sounded so vastly amused with him, his assessing stare tearing him apart for once, and not the younger girl. 

“No.” Half lidded eyes hid behind his glasses, but they sparked. A flint of light glowering in what was so often a cold furnace of steel grey color, catching fire for what felt like a single fraction of a second. “It’s nothing.”  
  


* * *

  
  


Sitting in between the two young men caused a great unsettling to take root in her heart, but she found the motion to be necessary based on what she could read from the stiff tension that rolled off of them. Akechi looked like he was on his best behavior, and Kurusu was the same always, but she had an intuition they might have had somewhat of a curious relationship. Before today, she had never really thought about the pair interacting like this. 

Her fingers lightly tapped on the ceramic cup in front of her, as to keep them from aimlessly finding their place back in her hair. If she didn’t think about it, she would probably be fine. 

“Excuse me for not saying so earlier,”

Akechi’s scarlet gaze bore into her once again, and she reflexively offered a smile. Trying her hardest not to give away anything more about the rough month she was having. 

“You seem a little worse for wear, Yoshizawa-san. Is your head feeling any better?” 

His politeness nearly caused her a panic attack. 

_Why the hell would he bring that up now?_

Neither of them would give her a break today, they couldn’t just quietly accept she looked like trash and move on? In her attempts to form a response that wouldn’t clue Kurusu in about the incident she had that day, he took interest in what Akechi had to say.

“Why? Did something happen?” 

She was more terrified than justifiably necessary, but she shot the detective a look with wide eyes, begging him to keep quiet. He either hadn’t noticed or ignored her bartering. 

“Oh, that was—“

Kasumi swung her knee to his, granting his attention and his silence. It wasn’t enough, not nearly enough to get her message across, his expression read annoyance more than understanding. And she really didn’t want to do this, but in the event he spilled her accident to Kurusu, she saw herself circling insanity with yet another person to pity her. The heel of her shoe met the top of his, grinding it in until he lurched forward on instinct. 

“ _Gah!_ “ She’d never heard him so loudly before “S-sorry! I thought I felt something sharp pierce into my foo— _ahshit!_ ” 

That last part came out as a harsh whisper. But she wasn’t going to play his games, his widened red eyes crashed back to hers, confused, furious, but she merely shook her head. One forced, painful smile later, she eased the pressure off of him, convinced he learned his lesson. 

“You okay over there, Akechi?” Half a smirk tugged at the younger man’s lips, his glasses receded to the end of his nose as he peered at the brunet, so transparently entertained by his loss of composure.

“Fine. I’m fine. Just some... _nerve pain_ , that’s all.” 

“Hang in there.” Kasumi stiffly added, finding herself giving an apologetic rub to his arm. She hoped her stunt was enough of a distraction to peel their minds off of her for the time being. Playing with the two of them like this was never her intention, she would have preferred to simply remain quiet while they talked, and yet…

She was just too much trouble. 

Akechi moved on, his legs straying far from hers in nonverbal retaliation. It seemed as if he was trying to find his own distraction, so he settled on her.

“So—Yoshizawa-san,” His tone with her was certainly a small bit aggravated, hidden behind a wry smile. “You drink hot beverages even in the summer?”

If this was his attempt at changing the subject, he was worse at this than she was. Kasumi gave him a nod, laying down her gaze to the liquid occupying the cup she held on to. She supposed it was best to go along with it.

“Oh, yes. I have to prevent my body from getting too cold, since the next meet’s coming up rather soon.” The measure was likely useless, considering the sorry state her body had been in since the last meet. And the extra anxiety that came with it was really not helping either.

“I see, you make sure you’re covering all your basses.”

Except the ones she had no control over. Her response was clearly a joke to him, but these rituals were important to keep, any consistency she had was vital, however pointless it may be. The awkward still air pressed her to go on, shifting her sights to either side of her to make certain she wasn’t acting too strangely. 

“Some people say coffee can cool you off, even when hot, so I try to avoid that too.”

 _This was far too mundane._

Kasumi was doing well to hold her facade, but she wished she could drop it, if only for a second. The spotlight was beginning to drive her crazy, and she defaulted to bringing the detective down with her. The crimson haired girl let out a giggle as she continued. 

“I had this image that you enjoy sweet things, Akechi-san— is that untrue? I swear I saw you eating sweet fried bread on TV just the other day...” 

She thought it would’ve been somewhat _cute_ if he did, but the subtle downward flit of his lips gave her the impression he was the exact opposite. By the end of day, she wouldn’t be very surprised if he never wanted to speak with her again. His frown lasted less than a second,and he was back to his plastered on, charming expression 

“I can hardly imagine you swear at all. You really are _too_ innocent.” 

While it was obvious he was only giving her the slightest of ribbings, she almost took offense. Innocent felt completely inaccurate considering her current state of affairs at school. Kurusu stifled a laugh, and now she was _definitely_ offended. Kasumi looked to him with a pout. 

“He’s not wrong, y’know.” 

She opened her mouth, in some vain attempt to deny their conceptions of her, but Akechi was quicker. 

“All joking aside, it was just part of a marketing strategy. That sort of stunt is an easy crowd-pleaser.”

And It _worked._ While she found herself disappointed he wasn’t presenting himself in an honest light, she had to admit, it was a genius plot. 

“I’m sure you understand, Yoshizawa-san. People do love the veil of innocence, I wouldn’t doubt that it’s helped your reputation as well.”

Her grip around her drink tightened, so much that she felt the ceramic nearly give way in her grasp. 

_It hadn’t._

_It made it so much worse_. 

There was a crack that split up the side of the cup, but she couldn’t let up the pressure. 

“It is kinda cute though.” 

Hands rested their harsh strangle, and her face flushed when she heard Kurusu’s voice. Uncertain if he meant to imply _her_. 

“Well, not from Akechi. But you get the idea.”

She clenched her fists, and they retreated to her lap, a different kind of flustering stress taking control of her. Trying to get her mind off of one word, and back to the conversation, Kasumi shook her head. 

“Your public image really means a lot to you, doesn’t it?” Kurusu leaned back in his chair, his careful gaze toward the other boy almost made her feel weary. Their way of speaking to each other sounded hostile, despite the level cadence they both carried. Every exchange was calculated from the both of them, seemingly always ready to counter at the right moment. So much that she was glad she had the foresight to separate them with her body serving as a wall. 

“Does that surprise you, Kurusu-kun? As prolific as I’ve become, I’ve come to learn the importance of keeping up appearances.” Akechi paused as he leered further toward the younger man. “Perhaps you’re the innocent one, if you fail to realize that.” 

Kurusu scoffed, “Sorry to disappoint you.”

She nearly jumped when she felt his palm at her shoulder “But I think Kasumi’s the only innocent person here.”

_If only that was true._

Akechi was instantly taken with what he said. “Kasumi, huh?”

He let out a soft chuckle “ _You must be close_.” 

Her back stiffened, marginally uncomfortable with the kind of attention this brought her. An exhale passed her lips, and she ushered on. “Oh, uhm...what about the two of you? I was wondering how you knew each other. You know, since— _you guys really seem to get along._ ”

It was spoken with an uneasy laugh, and Akechi’s serious countenance made her wish she said nothing. 

“His social studies class visited the set of a TV show I appeared on. He and I exchanged our opinions during the shoot and his way of thinking intrigued me.”

Hearing his praise of Kurusu put her at rest, she was afraid the question would have trudged up bad blood. Their dialogue might have only seemed vitriolic in her perspective. They remained more of a mystery to her than she liked, but she was pleased to know some amount of respect had to be mutual. Maybe they were actually good friends, albeit with a very peculiar way of showing it. 

“I can definitely see that! Kurusu-senpai’s take on things often helps me as well.” Kasumi brushed back her bangs as she felt a genuine smile shine through her features. 

“That reminds me, Yoshizawa-san. You had mentioned that he’s been providing you with some guidance.”

She tilted her head.

“Yes—like you said before, his way of thinking is intriguing. I figured I could benefit from his input.”

Her eyes drifted to the raven haired male, obviously uninterested in their continuous extolment of him.

“In that case, let’s play a little game...” Akechi turned his head to Kurusu for a short moment as well, before coming back to her. “Would you mind if I posed the same question to you that I first asked him?” 

“No, go right ahead.”

When it came to Akechi’s games, however, she was concerned. There was something within that warned her not to let down her guard.

“So, my question was: what do you think of the Phantom Thieves, Yoshizawa-san? You hadn’t directly answered that the last time we spoke, if you recall.”

“The Phantom Thieves?” They did discuss them, didn’t they? For some reason that day had been quite foggy in her memory, but she could remember what Akechi said.

 _Ideally, they wouldn’t have a reason to exist._

“You mean in the case they do in fact exist, yes?”

The doubts she had that they might not were virtually dashed, each month they seemed to pick up more and more traction. Evidently, they had exposed three criminals, as far as she could garner from the school’s gossip and her father as he watched the news. Even the rest of the student body at Shujin was oh so madly in love with them. Perhaps if she were a lot less busy she would understand the appeal. 

Wouldn’t it be nice to fantasize that they could help her? That anyone could help her? If they could change her heart to move on from her grief—her lack of grief, would she go back to the way she was? Go back to her better self, her _popular_ , and dearly _loved_ self…

Kasumi’s gaze drifted to her lap for a short time. It was her problem, and no one else’s. And no matter what she yearned for, she knew it was her burden to carry. 

“I admit that the assistance of others in need is truly a great act but...”

What about afterward? In her weakness, she would have never learned a thing, if she honestly learned anything at all. Wasn’t that the issue? How a heartless, cowardly, foolish girl could get by on the kindness of strangers, and never have to even think about how to save herself. Change needed to come from inside, and no other force. 

How cheap of a girl would she be if she relied on everyone else’s handouts? To accept it would be like…

Like running away. 

“I simply can't approve of their methods. “ Nor could she approve of hers.

Akechi’s face reflected a fair bit of amusement to her answer “Care to explain why?”

Catching a glance at Kurusu to her other side was completely different. It looked as if he was holding back, his expression a clean slate as usual, yet he seemed jittery. His leg shaking from sheer impatience. For his sake, she’d make it brief. 

“I suspect the Phantom Thieves’ existence isn’t going to be beneficial to society in the long run.” 

“How so?” Akechi’s prying felt eerily familiar, but she continued 

“For example, when someone’s faced with a problem to overcome, I believe they should resolve it themselves.” Her tone of voice was much more harsh than she thought it needed to be. “If someone really wants to change, it should come from their own will, not to bend to someone else’s. Otherwise...” 

They’d end up stagnant and alone like her. Juxtaposed to an event that never should have happened, while the rest of the world watched on in curious splendor as she came apart. Was it really change she wanted if her greatest desire was to go back to the way things were? 

How they should have been? 

“I fear people would lose the desire to change at all.” 

What she just stated finally hit her, how this was so hypocritical of her when she received so much aid already. 

But she never asked for this, never asked for special treatment, never wanted the school board to worship her with only the expectations of having another star athlete to their name, and she never asked to be saved from the danger that approached her. Hiraguchi shouldn’t have felt the need to lecture the other girls for their mistreatment of her, Maruki shouldn’t have had to tell her to stall her training for the betterment of her mental health, Akechi didn’t have to keep her from splitting her head open, and Kurusu…

Maybe he should have never made that deal. 

It wasn’t enough that she wanted to see him, continue to see him, she realized her reliance on him had grown too much. Now she was unwilling to give it up. Her attachment started with the notion that he would help her when no one else would, that he had the heart to do it for someone like her... and even if she avoided telling him everything that was eating her alive, she would still lean on his presence to keep her sanity. 

Since meeting him—had she changed? 

A pair of fingers snapped in front of her face, and she jolted back in her seat. 

“I thought you’d fallen asleep over there, is something on your mind?”

Akechi’s gentle voice was reassuring to hear. Letting herself drift into quiet rumination was too easy for her to do, she hadn’t realized she withdrew herself from them. Once again, she urged herself not to slip back into the habit.

“Sorry, my feelings on the matter are just a bit...complex.” The way she stated her opinion probably framed her as a callous person. Nuance lived in every aspect of the world in some way, applying it only to her limited view didn’t seem quite fair.

“I’m not sure that would be true for everyone, though. Still, it’s important to fight your own battles, don’t you think?”

“Maybe so.”

She felt a little embarrassed now, she thought Akechi would at least agree with her. However, his subdued response was miles better than Kurusu’s. He hadn’t shown any sign that he was listening, and she shouldn’t have been worried about sounding intelligent in front of them, but she had to reconsider if what she said actually made any sense. 

Before she was pressured to extrapolate even further, the detective was out of his own pause of thought.

“The Phantom Thieves’ justice stands in the way of personal growth. That is certainly a unique perspective.” 

Although, she was left to ponder if she had the merit to speak on the subject so strongly. She hadn’t the slightest clue of the more delicate aspects of criminal justice. 

Akechi looked to the younger man, “And what about you? Do you agree with Yoshizawa-san?”

Kurusu finally lifted his head up, taking a moment to form a reply. “Nope.” 

Never would she have expected a single word to stagger her back as much as it did. 

“Not when corrupt adults get away with abusing people that can’t stand against them.” She saw that spark again, lighting up his features, adversed to his calm visage. “They’re making change where no else has, at least.”

She hadn’t really considered it. The conviction she had faded, but she couldn’t take back what she said. So much of her still felt it was true. 

“Really? I’m honestly surprised, that’s a _passionate_ response coming from the likes of you, Kurusu-kun. I wonder if you speak from experience.”

Akechi appeared as if he was fixed on the subject, but Kurusu had lost interest. 

“Could be.” He sighed, quickly dejected from the discussion. 

“Are you a fan of the Phantom Thieves, Senpai?” Kasumi couldn’t help but ask. 

The detective had made an acute observation, it was passion that burned so brightly in his eyes, she only wanted to know why—what exactly he saw that she couldn’t.

But she wouldn’t get her answer, he shook his head. 

“It’s not like it matters.”

There was more she had to know, more to him that she wished he would just tell her. And she was close to being as aggressive as Akechi was in his interrogations, until the muffled growl of what _sounded_ like a cat, disrupted her. His leg jolted upward, crashing into the surface of the tables underside. It’s motion was enough to shift their drinks in place with a loud clink. Distressed as his body was shown to be, his blank expression remained, not even so much of a twitch. His gaze flitted down to where his bag lied on the ground, and just for a moment, she could have sworn it moved. 

“ _My_ , are you okay over there, Kurusu-kun?” The older male’s teasing voice granted the most emotion she’d seen from him all day. 

Narrowed eyes ignited with absolute annoyance. Kurusu promptly lifted it into his lap before coming back to face her, and he returned to a more neutral state. “Excuse me for a second.” 

And he was just as quickly up and out of his seat, carrying whatever might have been stowed inside his school bag. She let her eyes follow him until he disappeared in the distance, and her focus was shattered when a sharp pinch shot through her arm.

The shock of it had her yelp, and as she turned to the source of the sensation, Akechi wore a mirthful smile, his chin resting in the palm of his hand.

“For the record, your’s hurt much worse.” 

Kasumi rubbed the skin he pulled, and she was about to tell him off before he repeated the action. 

“ _Ow!_ ”

“You flinched, by the way.” His quiet laugh nearly made her forgive him. 

“Sorry, I just—panicked back there. I didn’t want Kurusu-senpai to worry about me.” 

“Then, your welcome. I suppose I helped you out of a jam too. ”Akechi leaned toward her, his voice hardly above a whisper “So you know what that means?”

The brunet held up two fingers with a sly smile “That’s two you owe me, Yoshizawa-san.” 

Being in his service was something she should try to avoid in the future, unsure of what he’d even want from her. Knowing Akechi, however, she was certain the tasks he’d give her would be far from easy. 

“The pinch wasn’t enough?” Kasumi said so playfully.

“Not even close.” Something about that felt like a threat. Yet, he was smiling just as brightly as she was. “Besides, I wouldn’t mind coming to your rescue again. It’s rather nice having someone indebted to me.”

“Should I be concerned?” She let out in a hesitant giggle, casually making a note to stay out of trouble when Akechi was around. 

His answer came with a low hum as he took a sip from his coffee.  
“No, I shouldn’t think so.” 

Somehow, she wasn’t thoroughly convinced. They sat in dead silence afterward, and she hoped Kurusu would return _very_ soon.   
  


* * *

  
  


As far as disasters went, that wasn’t so bad. Akechi wasn’t angry with her, she _inferred_ he wasn’t angry with her, and she’d more than gladly take another pinch if that was what it took to go back to his good graces. After all the charades she had to play with him, with the both of them, she was beyond relieved for it to be over and done with. And she was overjoyed when Kurusu offered to walk her back to the train station, just what she needed to take her mind off of the days ahead of her. Respite washed over her, while she enjoyed the rest of her time with the two, she was soothed that the tension in the air was cleared.

Overthinking herself was a talent of hers, and she let it mute her, as she usually did when contemplating the finer details of her actions. She heard Kurusu clear his throat, but she paid it no mind, used to the comfortable silence he often sunk into. 

It wasn’t until he started speaking on his own that she gave him her attention.

“You said you wanted to talk.”

The peace was lovely while it lasted 

His light suggestion stirred her brain right up again, searching for the words that could get her out of this conversation for good. 

“Oh, I didn’t have anything in particular I wanted to discuss.”

“Alright.”

Kasumi let out a breath, she didn’t think it’d be so easy.

“I do.”

_But of course it wasn’t._

Kurusu was a difficult read, even when she inspected every feature his face had to offer, she could never tell what was on his mind. Perhaps this would be a rare opportunity to see how he worked. She would consider it a blessing in disguise 

“I never would’ve imagined you’d be friends with Akechi of all people.”

The sentiment was the same on her end. 

“I guess you could say I have a debt to him.” The perimeters of their relationship weren’t clear to her. Their first meeting was so vague in memory, it had felt like years ago. “He’s helped me out a couple of times too. I’m not sure if I mean much to him, but he’s been good to me.”

Kurusu simply looked away, and she didn’t hesitate to ask what had been on her mind for so long.  
  
“Does it bother you?” She was almost concerned what his answer would be.

“No, it's more surprising than anything else. Akechi doesn’t really seem to be the friendly type.” A sigh interrupted the short pause he left. “ I wonder what he wants from you…”  
  


Kasumi found herself questioning the same, as well as how much Kurusu trusted the other boy. 

“Are you really friends? There were times where it felt like you were fighting.” 

A smile slipped through his static expression. 

“That’s just what we do.”

It was hardly alarming that he wouldn’t give her a satisfying response, but she surmised it had to be quite complicated, considering the two involved. She began to doubt they were friends, not in the conventional terms, and yet they had an unshakable connection that even she could see. 

They fell back into quietness, Kasumi veering away from him as much as she could force herself too. Close proximity to him was causing a tug on her chest, and while the sensation wasn’t altogether unpleasant, she wasn’t certain what to make of it. 

“Kasumi,”

It didn’t matter how far she strayed from him now, the soft cadence of his voice made the feeling grow stronger. 

“You haven’t said anything about yourself yet.” 

Even now he was petaling that deal. It nearly had her laugh, she should have seen this coming. 

“Is it alright if I ask you to go first?”

She saw him rub the back of his head as his sights dipped to the ground.

“I get what you’re trying to do here.” His smile was as wide as she’d ever seen it. “You don’t want my help.” 

Kasumi must have given that away with the opinion she shared, and she was so suddenly ready to tell him the truth, but stopped short.

Kurusu seemed to notice, the back of his hand lightly tapping her upper arm in quick motion. “If you think I’m just going to ignore it, you’re mistaken.” 

A smile of her own formed

“I’ll talk,” Reluctantly, she was in agreement, at least for the meantime. “There’s just something I’ve been meaning to ask you, if you don’t mind.”

“Shoot.” 

“Akechi-san said something interesting, about speaking from experience, and it reminded me...” Her memories may have been a mess lately, but this one was about as vivid as they came. 

Kasumi stalled in place, with Kurusu stopping just beside her. Keeping her gaze on him was more challenging than ever, but she knew she had to maintain it, look closer into him. 

“You never told me how you got that criminal record.”

Grey irises drifted away from her, a single moment in brief thought. Then it was right back, holding her stare with more bravery than she could ever hope to attain. 

“ _Long story_ , but a deal’s a deal.” 

Sunlight had grown dim, and yet she wasn’t deterred from hearing him out as long as she needed to.

“In exchange, you tell me what you and Akechi were hiding back there.”

An acting class was becoming increasingly appealing the later this day dragged on, she was no good at secrets, both Akechi and Kurusu figured her out immediately. At the very least, she had the chance to filter the incident without any of the young detective’s conspiracies coming into play. And it would probably be for the best to leave out a few crucial details, but otherwise...it was the truth, if not _half_ of one.

“I accept.” Kasumi brushed back her bangs, barely containing a giggle as an idea occurred to her “You wouldn’t happen to be jealous of Akechi-san, would you Senpai?” 

Kurusu fussed with his hair, the way he always did when she asked him a question like this, and he tilted his head to the side as that smile of his started to look more like a smirk.

“It’ll be a cold day in hell before I ever admit to that.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explaining Sumi’s reasoning for not liking the Phantom Thieves could not be harder for me. At least, trying to back that claim up. It was the one time in the whole game where I didn’t entirely understand her motivation, so I hope it makes sense here.
> 
> I apologize for the long introduction as well, I have a set up I need to get to, and I thought I’d squeeze it in here so the next chapter wouldn’t come completely out of left field.


	8. On Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa I took a little too big of a break from this.  
> I really should have posted this way earlier, but I was hoping to finish the next chapter before posting this one. That didn’t happen, oops.
> 
> So you know it’s gotta be good if I have to start this out with some warnings. This chapter has some graphic descriptions, few but they are there. So If the topics of animal death and emetophobia squick you out, feel free to skip half the chapter. 
> 
> I realize the warning might cause some concern for what this might mean for the story  
> But like,  
> Don’t even worry about it.  
> It’s gonna be heavy.

Morning came, and she stumbled to get back on her feet, poising her body to stretch out the soreness in her back. A yawn caught in her throat, hoping that tomorrow she wouldn’t find herself curled up on the floor again. What caused this disruption of order wasn’t something she was going to let herself mull over. Nightmares weren’t real, only a reflection of a broken psyche. She’d fix it, she swore she would, but it would take time.

Time was a resource she did not have the privilege of wasting on the pitiful thoughts probing her mind, however. Kasumi had the next competition to ready herself for, and she was pressed to come up with anything better than her last performance. No matter the place her head was in, no matter the distractions at school, this was the one thing she had to get right. Revelations like this were becoming a tired part of her daily routine, but she pushed them out of her mind. 

Today was like any other, the process would be the same. The mundane somehow felt slower though, her body becoming sluggish as she showered. Bruises still stuck on her legs made getting dressed that much harder. Tying her hair back even came with some difficulty, as she felt a dull ache in her arms and wrists. Pain was only temporary, a drawback of the cycle, she had to accept it and move on. 

Any drive to eat had left too, but she forced herself, struggling to keep her stomach from turning each time she took a bite of her overcooked eggs. Club would wipe her out if she hadn’t eaten, if she hadn’t eaten _a lot_. Fainting in front of her peers would bolster her already awful public image, she couldn’t afford to look even worse. So she swallowed it all down. Promising herself today was just another day, and that this bout of fatigue would burn off in the daylight’s blistering heat. The eyes of her father stared her down as she prepared her lunch, his usual frantic pace to leave the house had gone with her energy. He looked like he wanted to speak to her, but she refused to initiate, trapped in her motions of putting her bento together. Nor did he find the courage to finally break the silence, only quietly getting up without a word, and gone out the door not a moment later. 

Maybe she wished she said something, the distance between them grew wider the longer they held their peace. Even then, she wondered if coming clean now would suddenly absolve her of the chains she carried. The strain wasn’t tangible, she doubted he felt it the way she did, but the shift in his attitude was becoming more clear. On better days, like his birthday, the heavy atmosphere was the slightest bit lighter, but his more subdued response to her gift, to she and her mother’s kind gestures, left her to assume the vacant space in their family scarred him in ways he would never fully heal from. If he wouldn’t say anything, neither would she. 

Insistence that she was fine got her this far, but she couldn’t validate the claim, she had no proof of recovery. The guilt of not feeling his pain weighed on her heart, and seeing him like this—how he crumbled into her mother’s arms at the end of each day, she wondered if she had any right to worry him with her issues. 

So she wouldn’t. What they couldn’t put to words would be left buried where Sumire now lied. All dead and gone, and decaying with the slim hope of a return to normalcy. 

Nothing could be gained by this reductive thinking, she had the rest of the day to work through, and family matters hadn’t been important to the progress of her immediate goal. Letting it all fall aside, she shoved her lunch into her school bag, and headed out of the house. 

Life was but a few steps to rinse and repeat, she had to remind herself of that every now and then. And as a part of her ritual she’d count them, each one until she got to the train station, when she was off the train, and when she was walking up to Shujin Academy. And she felt better, far more than she should have, that she hadn’t heard the whispers. No _Yoshizawa’s crazy_ , no _Yoshizawa’s a whore_ , no overwhelming envy, no strict admonishment of her actions. Finally, she had some rest. 

Kasumi let out a breath, and swiftly sucked it back in when she stepped through the doors of the school. Her fingers quickly came to pinch her nose as the stench of something rotten nearly threw her back. Something pungent and sour and wretched and depraved. Turning her head, she saw students all coiled together doing the same. The intense heat of the summer must have exacerbated the problem that much more, and she heard her peers curse and pontificate the reason for the deathly scent. 

_“God it stinks like hell...”_

_“It’s coming from the lockers over there.”_

_“Gross! There’s worms all around it!”_

Kasumi pointed her stare to where the gossiping students had indicated, the lockers had all appeared fine...until she set her eyes on hers. It was stained, some thick vermillion streak coming down the sides as flies swarmed in and out of the vent through the top. Swallowing with a harsh gulp, she needed to find some way to circumvent opening that damn thing, she’d go barefoot if she had to. Anything to avoid seeing what was waiting for her inside. 

What could she do? Stand here with the congregation of people, pretending that mess wasn’t hers? Sooner or later she had to move. 

And when she looked at her feet, she saw small maggots inch toward her, crawling closer, crawling on her shoes, they were few but they felt everywhere. On her skin, and inside it. Leaving their residual, _sinful_ , little trails all over her, hatching larva in her brain. The sensation peaked her anxiety, her insides squirmed just looking at the bugs that forever chased her. She managed to suppress a squeal, biting her lip as she stumbled back trying to catch herself. 

_They still kept coming closer._

Eyes were on her, as the usual grace of Kasumi Yoshizawa had faltered. In the face of the public now, there was a strong part of her that knew she must have become a prime suspect. 

“Isn’t that Yoshizawa’s locker?”

Someone said, she wasn’t sure who, she didn’t care. All she wanted was to leave, before the dread seizing her chest would cause her a heart attack. Before she shattered in the manner she knew everyone was eager to see. The star was falling, that’s how they saw it, but they hadn’t known she already hit rock bottom. Or so she thought, so she wished. 

She thought she was the lowest she would ever be a week ago, two weeks ago, months ago! Yet the bottom of the pit kept getting deeper, her free fall seemed never ending. Was the tranquil ride here just a calm before the storm? Was it just to give her a false sense of security before ripping it all undone? 

She cursed her luck, her life, her _everything_. And even when she had a hunch that she knew the perpetrators of this crime, she wouldn’t let herself off the hook. This was her problem, and she had to take care of it, before the students here made her take care of it. They ogled at her, as if it were her doing. They were crawling too, getting closer and closer, watching her clutch at her shoulder bag for dear life. But she didn’t have a life, it was taken from her. Sumire had taken it, gymnastics had taken it, these students had taken it—

“Aren’t you going to open it?” A boy asked, curiously inspecting her as the crowd surrounding awkwardly sifted forward and back, some unsure if they wanted to move along or spectate. 

Kasumi’s vision blurred the slightest bit, perhaps it already had, but the vague features of the boy in front of her made her feel that much more petrified to take a single step.

Not responding, and casting her gaze away, caught the attention of the group of onlookers. She really should have said something—anything to get them off her back. Every time she opened her mouth, she almost gagged. The desire to run away flaring up again as those maggots still felt like they had invaded all the space that belonged to her. 

  
“Why is she just standing there?”

“Did she finally snap?”

“She’s probably scared, god knows I would be.”  
  


Her eyes shut tightly, and she tried to breathe through her mouth. She was violated enough, catching the smell from this room again would be a total defilement. There had to be another option for her, aside from running, aside from doing the right thing and facing the issue directly. Who would give her mercy now? Not the students here and certainly not herself. But she really couldn’t budge, the buzzing of flies, the small wet noises from the grubs picked at her mind, and the object hiding behind a thin sheet of metal haunted her into staying put. 

“Yoshizawa?”

_They couldn’t make her._

“Please don’t...”

Her voice was quiet and reluctant. 

“I can’t...I can’t do it.” 

She sounded so weak, so uncertain. And she was furious with herself for being like this. What was it they left her? Spoiled meat? How bad could it have truly been? It may have been disgusting, but it was only a vain attempt in embarrassing her in front of everyone. There was nothing—nothing more they could do to her. This wasn’t enough to lose her nerve, despite the apprehension pinning her in place, she knew she couldn’t let any pranks break her. She had to be strong, strong like Kurusu was. 

The thought settled deep, enough to whisk away the insect’s vile noises, and she opened her eyes. With as brave of a face she could muster, her eyes went cold, steady and calm. Kasumi inhaled through her mouth once more, and she placed her foot one step ahead. The slow, hollow click of her heel hitting the floor echoed in her ears, and she may have looked wooden doing it like this, but she had to—the pull on her senses begged her to run.

She wouldn’t, she couldn’t, not again. Another step forward, she’d count them out until she was at the locker, clear her mind of all who were waiting in anticipation. One more, people started to move back. And again, that made three, it was so close, breaking face for a moment just to pinch her nose closed. The stench was beyond description, so foul she had to swallow back her breakfast from coming out of her. Fingers lifted to the lock and she had stalled, the hesitation catching her wrist, it begged her to leave it be. 

“Excuse me—pardon me—I’m coming through!” 

She heard the voice of a girl, the students circling around the scene being pushed aside to make a path for her. Kasumi soon recognized the brunette as the student council president, Makoto Nijima. She was followed by a tired custodian at her side. Her hand fell from its position seeing the other girl, straying from the locker as she approached.

The relief of it all was close to bringing her to tears. Her stone face maintained, despite the whirlwind her mind had become, and she was never so thankful she had the strength to keep her head up. 

“It’s Yoshizawa correct?”

Nijima spoke kindly, softly. Her cadence was soothing enough to pull her from the brink of her own pessimism, and she gave a nod. This girl was a friend of Kurusu, and she had seen the two of them together on more than a few occasions. For the most part, she was glad to see she seemed like a good person, but the situation she was in now still made her presence the smallest bit awkward. 

_Would she tell him about this...?_

Nijima shifted to her side as the custodian moved passed her.

“Do we have your permission to open your locker? “

She couldn’t say no. 

Yet she was relieved the responsibility of this had gone to someone else, it still chilled her to think she had to do it alone. Calling the janitor was a much better idea, in hindsight.

“Yes, go ahead.”

The man took the space she occupied moments ago, hunching over the small locker and scuffling a pair of jangling keys out of his pocket.

“Thank you for cooperation.”

T he brunette wore a pleasant smile, and Kasumi merely hummed in reply. Whatever was passed that door took her focus away, she was all too morbidly fascinated with what kind of gift her fellow club members meant to bestow to her. Based on how many students that were still watching her, she would surmise they held the same sentiment. They should’ve left, this wasn’t for them see—or perhaps it was, but she couldn’t shake the feeling welling up inside her. Uncomfortable had not even scratched the surface of what it was. 

Metal groaned as the man pulled the key to open the lock. The keys went straight back into his pocket, and he harshly tugged on the door, but it stayed firm in place. 

A second attempt, the creak of long years of use resounded, but the result was the same. 

“It’s stuck.” 

He continued to pull as the third year investigated him further, a hand pressed against her nose and mouth.

“Well, try again.”

Using both hands, he wrestled with the stubborn door, looking so close to giving way with his force. But it did not. 

“I am trying!” 

“ _Oh for the love of—move!_ ” 

Nijima switched his position, propping her leg up on the structure and exerting her full weight to pry it open. Kasumi began to hope there was nothing in there, lest the brunette get soiled with her mess. 

A loud squeal startled her, along with the others standing behind her. The student council president gave one last hard pull, and the door swung open as she stumbled back. Her knees locked to keep balance. Something splattered to the floor, wet and limp, narrowly missing the girl’s feet. Though it’s thick liquids were already sputtered across her otherwise pristine uniform. That thing, what looked like the corpse of a common pigeon, swarmed with maggots and flies, taking apart it’s rapidly decayed and fleshy insides. It’s feathers were mostly plucked, leaving its muscles exposed and open for bugs to dismantle it piece by piece. Enough to see it’s wide eye stare into her, sending a threat she ignored until now. 

She was listening.

The smell only got worse, the crowd stifled back at what they witnessed, gasping and chattering loudly while Nijima tried to shake the bird’s various materials off of her. Kasumi’s eyes shot up, unable to look at the sheer cruelty laid bare before her. It’s wings twisted and clipped at odd angles, the mass of its body ripped open, letting its internal organs spill out for all to see. Infected and half eaten, at least what could be seen apart from the mass swathes of insects covering the area, a sordid pale red and brown color painted its outsides that were once its insides. The very image was seared into her brain with only one glance at it, the good work she had done to keep a level head was ruined. This was all to get to her, to scare her, torment her, humiliate her— just for vengeance? The elder girl trying to help her was quaking because she stepped in to fix her problem. 

“I—I’m so sorry Nijima-senpai!” 

With a whine, the upperclassman shook her head, frozen in place.

“No it’s, it’s not your fault Yoshizawa.”

But her hands were shaking as she desperately shuddered in the clothes marred by a carcass. 

If she had just done it herself, there would be no collateral damage, aside from—

_The bird._

Empathy had her nearly catch a glimpse back at the poor thing. Her eyes strayed to it, but quickly stopped when she saw its warped tail feathers in her peripheral vision.

An ugly sensation clawed up her throat, she choked it down, she tried to, but the sight of its mangled body flashed in her mind. In and out, churning her stomach, leaving her feeling dirtier than ever before. And suddenly her legs were weak, shifting endlessly just to keep her standing. The custodian swiftly shoved the dead avian into a bag before the crowd grew bigger. It was too late—everyone saw what happened. 

What she _made_ happen. 

This was sick. She could hardly contain the urge to vomit, the palm of her hand pushed against her lips. 

Not here. _Not here!_

“We can get you another pair of shoes since...”

Niijima had tried to catch her attention again, but she couldn’t focus. 

There was no time, she had to leave quickly. Leave everything behind before she had the chance to really snap. Kasumi ran off to the nearest bathroom, nearly slipping, taking a wide corner. She had no consideration of taking her shoes off. So the floors would need to be mopped again, it was a better alternative than spilling the contents of her stomach in front of everyone.

She felt her throat loosen up, an unstoppable force ready to be expelled out of her, and she slammed open the first stall she saw. Knees buckled, sending her straight to the floor, but she’d take the small victory that she made it to the toilet before she was made a public laughing stalk, for the third time.

` Her fingers pulled any stray hairs away, or simply just ripped them out, when she finally opened her mouth to release what wished so desperately to escape. With a violent cough, what she kept locked up—her emotions, fears, anxieties, even those bland eggs she had in the morning—came gushing out of her in one brief torrent. 

She wheezed, and panted and choked as the acid burned her esophagus, leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. Heavy breaths went in and out of her lungs. And she tried to find her center, a place she could feel safe enough to come back down from the panic sending every nerve ending she had alight. There was only one thing, one single thing that could make this better, and she hated herself for thinking of it at a time like this. 

Just as well as she hated the nausea that hadn’t left her, if anything letting it out caused her more pain. Her hand flew to her scalp, fingers automatically folding into the neat hair held back by her ribbon. They gripped, and tore, until she realized what she was doing. 

_You’re pulling out your hair._

She let her hand fall, and she made sure to keep it there. Despite how utterly awful she felt right now, she would tear herself down over this plenty more anyway, she didn’t need to maim herself too. But with the lack of punishment, she wasn’t sure what to do, how to feel. The only security she had now must have been busy elsewhere, she couldn’t bring him into her troubles. 

Soon, she was empty. She poured her feelings out, and what was left? Nothing but the reminder of what her new normal really was. Paranoia, and grief, and guilt in the highest measure. Was it worth it anymore? Was it worth praying for a brighter tomorrow when it would never come? This was all she had—her legacy was a joke. Everything about her old self was gone, shattered to bits, why was she still holding on to it? 

How many times had she told herself to move on, how many times did she lie wide awake in bed wishing she could be the Kasumi Yoshizawa she used to be.

It was taken from her, and she felt her breath hitch and her face grow hot.

They took it all from her, and still wanted more. 

No, she wasn’t empty. Not yet.

Fingers curled in, balled into a fist, knuckles white and trembling. 

She was _pissed._

If she had to take care of this she would, for the final time. Her energy may have been drained before, but she found her second wind in the rage boiling up in her blood.

So they wanted to make a fool out of her? _Fine_.

They got their message across loud and clear, and she was ready to retaliate. It wasn’t exactly hard to guess who might have sent it. She knew one girl in particular. 

Standing tall, she cleaned up after herself, quickly checking the mirror to be certain she wasn’t a walking disaster. She would be taken seriously. 

“Uh Y-Yoshizawa?” She heard the voice of Nijima, but wasn’t going to be held up anymore. “If you stay here, we can bring you a clean pair of shoes—“

As she said it, Kasumi shifted her right foot to the heel of her left,pulling it back in front of the other shoe, and repeated, and they were both off. The loss of dignity couldn’t bother her, she had somewhere else to be. Kasumi brushed passed the brunette without a word, and she would apologize later if she had to, she probably would anyway, but there were more important things.

While she still had the courage, she’d finally show she had the backbone to stand up and fight.

* * *

Tachibana usually hung around the auditorium entrance before school started. She had the displeasure of knowing this every time she walked passed, getting an earful of the slights she said against her. This time she wouldn’t have much to say, Kasumi would make sure of that. The floor of the annex may have been like walking on hot coals with only her socks as protection, but she’d let it feed into her anger. And the sight of her most bitter detractor only set it further ablaze. It would be the first time they had the chance to talk one on one. 

The short haired girl grinned when she saw her.

“Aw, where’d your shoes go Yoshizawa?”

The inflection in her voice told her all she needed to know, Tachibana really was behind this.

“You’re sick.”

Kasumi cleared the distance, and her friends seemed to know this was a good time to leave before things got ugly. _Good_. She wanted that girl all to herself. 

“Why, whatever do you mean? Are you accusing me of stealing your shoes?” The high pitch she was speaking with was to mock Kasumi’s way of speech. She was provoking her, and it was working. 

“How could you ever do something so cruel? Just to get at me? I’ve never done anything to you!” Kasumi shirked back when she said it, _that wasn't the point._ “All those notes were yours too, weren’t they? What—I didn’t give you the reaction you wanted? Is that why you stooped so low!?” 

Tachibana pulled her back off the wall she was leaning on with a grimace. 

“I’ve never put anything in your locker, get a grip.”

_Gotcha._

Kasumi felt a smirk form on her features, something that would be better fitted on Kurusu than it was on her. “I didn’t mention a locker, Tachibana.”

The other girl’s face suddenly twisted into a wince. “Big deal. So you think I did this? I wouldn’t waste my time on someone as pathetic as you Yoshizawa.” 

All she wanted was a confession, she knew she did it, she just needed to hear it from her mouth.

“You sure have enough time to go around spreading rumors about me, pitting the entire club against me just because you lost.” Kasumi shook her head “I didn’t even think I’d get picked. You’re going way too far for this, and in the end—you won’t even get a single thing out of it. These games need to end, and we both need to move on.” 

She heard the girl scoff. “You’re the one that needs to move on.”

Suddenly, she was right up in front of her.

“You’re the psycho that won't face reality. Do you think anyone cares about your stupid sob story?” Tachibana’s eyes were glassy when her vision focused, so strangely vulnerable for a girl known for her ferocity. “You’re not the only one who misses her.” 

No, she wouldn’t hear it.She didn’t even know Sumire, how could she miss her? Kasumi inched back, for the other girl’s benefit. 

“Tachibana, _don’t._ ” But she almost wanted her to, she wanted any excuse to stop being so damn nice.

“Everyone thinks you’re a fucking nutcase! That’s why no one likes you! And you think you can get sympathy from us just because your sister’s dead—“

In that next moment, she wasn’t thinking, she only let that feeling of disgust contaminate her until her hand cut across Tachibana’s face. It was a slap, not a punch. 

But she wanted to do it again, and again, and _again_. 

“Don’t you _ever_ , talk about her.”

The tears she felt in her eyes nearly fell. She had to stay strong, she had to face this head on. No matter how much she felt like falling apart, no matter how much she wanted to make Tachibana eat her words. And the girl was just as stunned at her show of aggression as she was. Eyes wide, holding her cheek.

“You’re really fuckin’ crazy, you know that Yoshizawa?” 

Maybe she was, she just didn’t care anymore.

“I came here for one thing, and it wasn’t to talk about me or my sister. This is about _you_ . What _you’re_ doing. “ 

“What I’m doing to _you_.”

Yes. And perhaps she shouldn’t have been ashamed of it, but she didn’t want to show any weakness. This was war she was starting, and she wasn’t going to lie down anymore.

“I want you to know that your little prank backfired, I wasn’t the one that opened that locker. The student council president did, and if she finds out—“ 

“Oh, you’re going to tell on me?“

Tachibana lurched forward, and Kasumi lost her ground making a step back. 

“That’s so like you! You can’t do anything yourself, can you!? You _never_ could!” 

Her words pushed her even further back, and Tachibana still advanced on her, shoving a finger to her shoulder to keep her on the defensive.

“You want me to confess? Fine! You deserve every miserable moment that’s coming to you, and this is just the beginning!” Tachibana gave her a crooked smile “I can do a lot worse than some roadkill, y’know. I’ll pay you back a thousand times over for that slap.” 

That was what she wanted to hear, and yet she still felt unresolved. Desire for a conclusion had fled with the backbone she thought she had, the tides turned on her too quickly. 

“Go ahead, go cry to Hiraguchi about this like you always do. It’s your word against mine.”

Kasumi’s back hit a wall, and the other girl leered as close as she could get. 

“Who is she gonna believe? _You_ ? With _your_ reputation? Can you even prove it?” 

She swallowed “No, I won’t tell her.”

Her voice trembled. The plan was to close this up, not make it worse. Though Tachibana seemed amused, enough to draw back and away from her.

“Already lost your nerve? Do you think if you grovel at my feet I’ll let you off the hook?” She laughed. “ _Not a bad idea_.”

The girl gestured to the ground, and that anger quickly returned. “Go on then. Beg for my forgiveness, Yoshizawa.” 

“I won’t tell anyone what you did.” 

_But she sure as hell wasn’t going to grovel._

“You’re mine, Tachibana. This is between you and me.” They were brave words said at the heat of the moment, but she wouldn’t waste time overthinking it. Kasumi lifted herself from the wall she stuck to. “By the end of this, you’ll be begging me for forgiveness.”

There was nothing left to say, and she longed for a moment where she could breathe without something going wrong. She turned on her heel and walked away.

“Watch where you step, Yoshizawa.”

She would, and she already had. 

It didn’t matter what Tachibana would try to do next, it didn’t matter that she had no plan of defending herself, they were simply brave words and nothing more. Kasumi wasn’t vindictive, and maybe she had every right to be, it hadn’t changed her heart. There was no grand idea of getting vengeance, she only wanted peace.

What was she going to do now? 

_Win_ , hopefully. If she did, that might really get under Tachibana’s skin. Afterwards, her only plan was to survive. 

Walking into the practice building, she saw Nijima waiting for her by the corner, with a bag in hand.The brunette started with an exasperated sigh

“I am... _so_ sorry to be a pest, but you really aren’t allowed to go barefoot. And I uhm, brought your shoes, I didn’t want anyone stealing them so—here.”

_Oh, of course._

It was her job to keep the students in order, she really couldn’t fault her for this. Nijima stretched her arms out to hand her the bag. With as bright of a smile she could manage, she took it.

“I’m the one that should apologize. I’m really sorry for all the trouble Niijima-senpai.”

The older girl returned the smile and gave a dismissive wave “It’s no trouble at all, really. But...” Her words trailed off suddenly, shifting her eyes away momentarily “Can we talk? After school maybe?”

Kasumi merely nodded, just as quickly wishing she hadn’t agreed. 

“Good. I won’t hold you up any longer. See you then, Yoshizawa.”

This had to be the least unpleasant talk she had all morning, still…

She couldn’t say she was looking forward to it. 

* * *

A promise was a promise, reluctant as it may have been. Though she probably owed it to Nijima to do her a small favor, considering her morning was likely just as awful, no thanks to the unlucky girl that sat across from her. Kasumi sighed, looking at the older girl switching her plain uniform for gym clothes stirred a fair bit of guilt into her. Apologies just never seemed like enough, yet what Nijima was asking her for wasn’t something she could freely give.

That was her _other_ promise.

The crimson haired girl squared her shoulders, adjusting herself in the shoes that were two sizes too big for her. It wasn’t in her interest to complain, it wasn’t in her interest to say much of anything.

“Yoshizawa...” The brunette sounded disappointed. If she were in her position, she would be too. “I know you don’t want to cause any friction, but this is becoming very serious. These aren’t just rumors anymore. You could be in danger.”

Word got around about her, terrifyingly fast, and awfully wide as well. If the student council president knew about every lie the other girls said about her, it wouldn’t be too surprising if the person she trusted the most was also privy to everything she hadn’t done. And she let her mind wander, if he thought she was just as much of a _slut_ as her peers made her out to be. 

But maybe she deserved it, Tachibana thought so. Even if her grudge was unfounded and out of control, Kasumi almost understood why she felt how she did. 

“It was only a prank. It could’ve happened to anyone.” She winced when she realized how flimsy of an excuse that was. It was obvious she was being targeted.

“I promise it won’t reflect poorly on you if you decide to say something about this. If you just tell me who might have done this to you—“

“I don’t know. Maybe it was just random...”

Her time at the cafe with Akechi and Kurusu taught her how bad she was at lying, and she assumed this girl had to be as clever as they were. Her watchful glare said it all, she wouldn’t buy into any excuse her junior had to share. Who was she fooling anyway? So it was pointless, objectively pointless, but she swore she’d handle this dispute herself. To pass it off elsewhere wouldn’t be right, she’d have to fend for herself. Because she never did, because Tachibana was right about her, because—

Because it was time to take accountability for her own mistakes.

Nijima hadn’t appeared to be in agreement. “I heard you arguing with another girl this morning. You don’t think she would have done this?”

The brunette was clearly worried , worried for _her_. Despite only officially meeting today, she really seemed like she wanted to help. Of course, a friend of his would naturally want to do the right thing, and yet she froze every time she was close to breaking the silence she had sworn herself to.

What could Nijima do? 

What proof did Kasumi have that could help anything right now? Her values forbade her from selling out like this. 

“No. It was a disagreement, that’s all.” It was far too easy to hear how dejected her voice was. 

Nijima eyed her like she knew, she knew she was keeping it to herself. And as she was about to speak, she was quickly interrupted by the door sliding open on them. Kasumi flinched when she saw who was standing beside it. 

“Oh, are you busy?”

She swiftly, albeit awkwardly, stood, garnering the attention of both upperclassmen. Her gaze was locked on Kurusu, hesitant to say anything to him, and all the same healed by his presence. But she couldn’t speak a single word, she wasn’t the person he wanted to see. His eyes shifting back to Nijima illustrated it perfectly for her. Suddenly, the self-assured Kasumi Yoshizawa was in doubt, as if she’d never done that before—as if she hadn’t done it plenty all day. 

Nijima blinked, cutting her sights between the two of them, but she settled back on the raven haired boy. “Is there something you need, Akira? I’m kind of in the middle of something.”

Kasumi’s chest tightened, their familiarity causing the smallest twinge of envy in her. A familiarity she barred herself from. They were friends, it made sense they would be on a first name basis. And yet the brunette’s tone with him seemed to be rushed, annoyed even. 

Was this jealousy of Nijima, or jealousy of her ability to speak with him so casually? The latter felt more honest, Kasumi wondered if she could actually have a negative opinion of Nijima considering the generosity she showed her. 

Kurusu was unshaken, he simply lifted his glasses with his index finger as if he never even saw the younger girl. “Well, you know...just the _usual business._ ”

Every time he opened his mouth, he always seemed to make such vague statements. Kasumi looked back to Nijima, trying gage any sort of context within her reaction. Typically, she was unfazed, but let out a sigh.

“Can it wait five minutes? Yoshizawa and I have something we need to discuss.” 

No, there was nothing left to talk about. Kasumi was being a bother, she could see it plain as daylight on both of them. She shifted, searching for the brave words she once had to come back to her. 

Kurusu took her opportunity. “By all means.” 

Yet he stood firm, leaning himself on the doorframe, to the very vexation of the older girl. 

“I’m sure she would be more comfortable if it was just the two of us, Akira.”

“And I’m sure she won’t mind. We’re friends aren’t we, Kasumi?” 

That grin of his was hard to object to. Despite the position she was in, she was almost tempted to give up her games. 

_Almost_.

She nodded to him, frozen solid where she stood.

“I can vouch for her, Makoto. She’s completely harmless, as polite as they come—“ 

“It’s not that, she didn’t do anything wrong.”

The pressure started to crush her. And she’d have to make a split decision to either drop her act, or feign obliviousness to avoid any more questioning. Looking at the clock on the wall only furthered her stress, but it came with the perfect excuse to leave. 

“Senpai,”

They both turned to look at her.

“ _Niijima-senpai_ , I’m running late for practice now. I apologize to end this so suddenly, but I really must be going. “

Kasumi bowed to the third year, making her way to the door. The other girl looked as if she wanted to convince her to stay, but recoiled back with nothing more than a soft,  
“See you tomorrow.”

It was in her list of priorities to somehow make this up to Nijima. She approached the boy just as warmly. 

“Excuse me, Kurusu-senpai.” The smile she wore was genuine, grateful for the brief moment she got to see him today. He appeared to be hesitant to move out of her way, and a large part of her appreciated the concern. Soon enough though, he turned to his side, allowing her to pass.

When she stepped beside him, she caught his low words, barely louder than a whisper. “Let’s talk later, Kasumi.”

In any other circumstance, she would have been happy to oblige. But this was not a promise she was going to make, and it certainly wouldn’t be one she’d keep. 

* * *

Focusing on the last lines of her homework became next to impossible, retiring home after another mentally taxing day may have been a godsend hours ago but now…

Every time she heard her phone buzz she had to scold herself. It was within her best interest to finish what was due before her grades really started to slip. The nights she had been having took her sharp mind from her, as well as the energy to finish much of anything. Tonight, she was close to making up for her mistakes. All tardy work was written down and ready to turn in, thanks to the aid of a freshly brewed pot of coffee her father must have known not to ask about. And so it was late work, but at the very least her teachers seemed to come to an understanding about how complicated her life was.

Pity came with perks, at times.

Kasumi quickly jotted down the rest of her notes before impatiently shutting her notebook closed. Just watching her phone screen light up was enough to break her concentration. This was the part she was avoiding all evening. She spared a glance over to her clock, it was nearly three in the morning. There went another night without sleep. With a sigh, she grabbed her phone and lethargically plopped onto her bed. The coffee had long since run its course, and she was glad she finally had a sliver of a second to catch her breath from such a busy day. 

So, now that she was unabated by any work that needed to be done, it was probably a good time to read the messages she refused to acknowledge until now. Her notifications had filled more than they usually did. Some from Hiraguchi trying to offer words of support, some from her father—reminding her to go to bed on time, and the rest was…

Predictably, Nijima didn’t keep the events of the day a secret. It was her business to, she was unwittingly involved in a sabotage meant for Kasumi, coming out the victim. And she shouldn’t have been sore at the subject, certainly not at Nijima, but now he knew. Maybe he would have found out anyway, she only wished she could’ve kept her appearance just a little longer. Kasumi felt her chest constrict simply seeing his name. Her hand clutched at the fabric of her shirt, this was getting out of control. She shook off the sensation, more concerned with the messages Kurusu left her.

Just as predictable, it was the standard fair of asking if she was alright, if she wanted to talk, _the works_. Part of her hoped this was Nijima putting him up to this, using him as a middleman to get what she wanted from the younger girl. While comforting, she knew Kurusu did this of his own volition. It wasn’t like him to ignore any signs of trouble, he couldn’t stop himself from helping in any way he could. Kasumi admired that about him and yet— She loathed it all the same. 

How would she respond? 

  
_I’m perfectly fine, Senpai. It was a harmless prank between friends!_

  
She was god awful at lying, even through text. 

  
_I don’t mean to worry you so much, Senpai. I’m not sure if things are okay right now, so much has happened to me this year. I can tell you more about it in person, if that’s alright._

But honesty was worse. Only the new Kasumi Yoshizawa would agonize over a single text to a friend, she wished she could make up her mind, to come clean or leave him in the dark. The latter didn’t feel right, though the former couldn’t have been more daunting. As if he was the one person in the world she wanted to appear seamlessly capable for. 

And, she supposed, that he probably was. 

Another sigh, and she placed her phone on the nightstand. She wouldn’t be answering him any time soon. He would understand, she was sure he would. There was nothing he could do about this anyway, it was for the better not to gripe about all her problems to someone that suffered substantially more than she did. 

Strangely, the thought of him was comforting enough to lull her into a relaxed state. Kasumi felt herself drifting into sleep, stretching out on her bed as the fatigue finally set in. It came without the worry of Tachibana’s threats, nor the prolonged stress the girl caused her. In the end, she knew she wouldn’t be the one to undo her. And with the realization she felt her heartbeat faster, eyes opening to the shifting shadows on her walls.

This was how it usually started. 

Kasumi bit her cheek, trying to feel anything outside of the wave of dread that overtook her body each night. She was unable to move an inch, something pulling her center down to keep her from rattling around as she often did to find footing back in reality. Yet the darkness came closer still, raising the anxiety that pooled in her stomach to extend its influence thoroughly within her. Something about this felt entirely different than before. 

Yes, she had this nightmare for nearly a week straight, but it never felt so real. There was a warning inside of her, pleading with her conscious to find a way out of this somehow. Escape was useless, Kasumi felt as if her breath was stolen from her the moment she saw the silhouette of a dark figure just before the foot of her bed. 

It was a dream. A reflection of a broken psyche.

She heard it breathe, shallow, strained, as if it was having troubles even doing so.

It wasn’t real. She had a rough day, it simply manifested into whatever was peering down at her with glowing eyes, a piercing golden yellow hazarding her to stay completely still. Kasumi wished she didn’t look, because now she couldn’t tear her gaze away from the crawling madness, slipping so slowly onto her bed. Lightly, as if it wanted to be courteous not to stir her. Whatever this was, she was plenty stirred anyway.

 _It’s not real. It’s not real._

Kasumi gasped as she saw it clearer, however blurred the features may have been, there was no mistake who this phantom was trying to imitate. The specter shifted onto the girl's stomach, her weight shoving her further down into the mattress. The living girl felt ill, staring at a once familiar face turned so visceral, gored, heavy lacerations cutting across her face, neck, and arms. Her body was coated with flakey dried blood, the whites of her eyes nearly as red as her hair. And yet the glasses on her face remained, if not shattered into shards stuck inside her skin.

This was how she left her, as beaten and torn up as the flowers rotting in her trash. The ghost haunting her dreams was Sumire, and terror ripped at every sense allowed to her. 

Her twin never took her sights off the elder’s face, still choking on her inhales. Sumire was in pain, the movement of her joints and the contortion of her expression said it all. 

“It’s not real.” Kasumi let out, shutting her eyes tightly.  
  


**_“Not...real...?_ **” 

Sumire’s voice was hoarse, distorted, and barely legible. 

Soon, the girl beneath her felt her grasp either side of her jaw 

**_“This isn’t...real...”_ **

A scream was caught in her throat, but she found the strength to struggle below the specter above her. As quickly as she started she was disrupted, Sumire pinned her wrists down with an unfounded use of force. The grip was already making her sore.

**_“Liar,”_ **

She begged herself not to look again.

**_“You’re not real.”_ **

Kasumi’s teeth clenched against each other

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you, Sumire! Please just—“

_Disappear._

But the word wouldn’t come, and it was as if the lingering spirit of her sister caught on to her intent. 

**_“You killed me. Left me to die.”_ **

Her fingers tightened and cut into Kasumi’s skin. 

“You’re hurting me!”

Sumire didn’t seem to care, never letting up. 

**_“You can’t keep running away...from this...from everything...”_ **

She wasn’t running away, she hadn’t—not even from Tachibana. Kasumi squirmed against the firm hold of her sister, roughly kicking at her, in some hope she’d finally leave her be, _for once in her damned life_.

“Let me go!”

Tears were flowing freely from her eyes now, and they flew wide open when she felt Sumire’s delicate hands wrap around her throat. 

**_“This is what...you’ve always wanted, right?”_ **

Air was restricted from passing from her lungs as Sumire enclosed her grip. Kasumi pushed against her, scraping at her forearm, pounding her fist to the ghost's sternum, using all her strength to break loose, but the effort was wasted.

 **_“But it’s a lie.”_ **

She’d have to endure until the dream was over, accept the sentence she was hoping someone would give her. 

**_“It’s all a lie.”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this keeps getting WORSE.  
> But I figure, with all the messed up and backwards thinking going in Sumi’s head, a metaphysical manifestation of a shadow would not be so far out of reach. 
> 
> Also, it’s probably just a little too obvious where I’m taking this subplot.
> 
> I'm hoping I can finish up the next chapter soon, and it'll be much nicer than this one.


	9. On what’s better left unsaid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that took me long enough.  
> Sorry about that, really. I experienced some burnout with this fic in particular, so from now on updates will go pretty slow.  
> Still plan on finishing though. It's just going to be a loooong haul.

Sumire had a troubled history when it came to courtship. Be it on the receiving end or otherwise, she hardly had any luck with the boys Kasumi’s friends tried to set her up with. Their enthusiasm to do so always frightened her. She may have been a romantic at heart, but it seemed those two would try to exploit her vulnerability, just to see her humiliated. Mei assured her that whatever boy she was meeting would be the perfect gentleman. Time and time again, however, she would face the opposite. Left to wonder why she ever let those girls try to play cupid for her.

They never liked her, not one bit, complaining constantly about how Kasumi dragged her dull, pitiful, sister along wherever she went. An accessory that always hung from the brunette’s arm, like a thoughtless doll she couldn’t put down. They hated her because she was weak, Sumire knew they did, it was obvious in the way they whispered about her uselessness, a void in the shape of a quivering girl, the antithesis of the high-spirited _star_ they had really loved. Why take it out on _her_ , though? 

Kasumi was the one that had insisted she come with, trying to mediate for Sumire’s lack of social skills. It shouldn’t have mattered, not at all, and not ever. Kasumi could try to feel good about her matronly benevolence all she wanted, it made no difference to her. 

Sumire had to deal with the next attempt on her love life, some sadistic boy that previously forced himself on her. And she had hoped her first kiss could be special, perish the thought it could ever be _romantic_ , but she supposed her luck would never warrant a satisfying outcome. Being the age they were, barely to the end of their last year in middle school, she would’ve expected him to be more awkward than aggressive. Maybe, he wouldn’t press his luck, but maybe he would, and uncertainty never ceased to get her running to the far beyond—where no one could reach her. This was a good as sign as any that she wasn’t interested in him.

Well, not anymore. 

It was her fault for being so open, so willing to love, to be loved. What could she even say for herself, at the young age of fourteen? Her father forbade her from seeing anyone until she was sixteen, and even that was a begrudged compromise. She hated to admit it, but she began to understand his restrictions. 

Being this young, naïve, and too desperate to find someone else to latch onto, all of it came to nothing but trouble. It’d be safer to simply stick to what she had, but she hardly had anything. Her sister may have been supportive, but staying inside the long shadow she cast was enough to drive her insane. Sumire wanted independence, someone to care for her outside her family.

 _And what a wash that was_. 

Those _dates_ had only been in for an easy conquest, and they truly believed none made it easier than Sumire Yoshizawa. Her friends, they only thought well of Kasumi, took advantage of the younger twin’s fragile heart to sell her off to whoever would take her. The problem arose when she wouldn’t take them, refused to give more than a second chance, and so they started from scratch every couple of weeks, stuck with the other, inferior Yoshizawa.

This was as close to friendship as she knew, constant embarrassment and guilt thrown about. The crimson haired girl pulled her legs closer to her, banishing herself under a table and praying her date wouldn’t find her there. Sometimes she wished Kasumi knew, she wished she could confess all of what those two did to her. Her twin would lend a hand, and she would give a virulent scolding to the other girls too, but maybe that was why she was hesitating. Sumire relied on Kasumi ever since she could remember, she’d always been there for her. What right did she have to snitch on her friends? 

The sound of a door flying open caused her to gasp, quickly slapping a hand over her mouth. Fear overtook rationality, and she shut her eyes tightly hoping it wasn’t who she thought it was. She should have picked a better hiding spot, a closet—somewhere she could be safe behind. Yet the idea terrified her more than being caught by that monster of a man. Call it claustrophobia, or a particularly severe fear of the dark she held onto since childhood, but it was the idea of being trapped alone setting her off the edge.

So perhaps it wasn’t love she was looking for, she doubted she’d find it with this approach. Perhaps it wasn’t even a stable friendship, one that Anri and Mei would never offer her. It was someone that could be by her side, understand her, listen to her. Rough days felt so lonely knowing that there was no one she could confide in. Bottling her emotions only worked for so long, it was the solution she defaulted to from the moment she realized her melancholy would never leave on its own. If she didn’t change, if she didn’t change soon, she would shatter. 

“Sumire? Are you in here? “

The voice belonged to her sister, and she contemplated staying hidden. Kasumi gave her unconditional love, but she didn’t understand, she never had. Sumire was at a loss, although Kasumi wasn’t the worst person that could discover her trembling under a table, explaining herself now would be almost as uncomfortable as confronting the boy chasing her. She slid herself out from under its protection.

“Hi, Kasumi.”

She was less than enthused to speak with her, but she found it necessary. Although, being as _important_ as she was, the elder twin should have been elsewhere, spending her time with her plentiful friends; it had to be better than wasting her time looking out for the ever helpless Sumire. 

Nevertheless, Kasumi approached with a wide smile.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you! I was worried at first, Anri said you ran off somewhere.”

_Had she also mentioned the beast that tried to tear her lips off only hours ago?_

“Here I am. In one piece.” For the most part.

The crimson haired girl tried to replicate her sister’s earnest smile, but likely came short. It didn’t matter with Kasumi, she laughed and ignored any deeper meaning, too thickheaded to identify the truth of the situation. 

“What are you doing hiding under a table, silly? Oh, don’t tell me— were you playing hide and seek with others?”

“I—“ Kasumi was good at giving her excuses, to her own detriment. “That’s right, they never found me. Guess I’m pretty good at _disappearing_ , huh?”

“I’ll say!” Her cheerful tone was often hypnotic in ways, lulling Sumire out of the pessimism she fell into. “I’m really glad to hear that you‘re all finally getting along, Anri and Mei can be such jerks to you, Sumire.”

So, she noticed? Though—if she told her the truth now, wouldn’t she be devastated? 

Kasumi put her hands behind her head with a giggle, “All that time building you up paid off, they see Sumire for who she really is!”

“A burden?” A laugh accompanied her words, but she saw her sister’s bright disposition fall, and the older girl crouched down beside her.

“Stop saying it like it’s a joke, you aren’t a burden and you never were. You wanna know what you really are?” She was a thousand things, and a thousand more, none of which Kasumi would ever call her. Still, Sumire nodded, to appease her fussy sister if nothing else. “You’re kind, and loving, and sweet, and gentle, and patient, and you’re a great listener. “

Compliments weren’t exactly something she could receive well, always bringing a blush to her face. Kasumi reached for her hand to cradle in hers.

“But greatest of all, you aren’t just my sister,” The smile she offered could make her rethink wants of pushing Kasumi aside, tempt her to move on from the envy she still held close in her heart. “You’re my best friend!”

Oh, and what an undeserving friend she was. Sumire returned the firm squeeze Kasumi gave her hand.

“You’re my best friend too.”

The only person she could depend on, even if it hurt, even if she’d never understand. Kasumi was all she had, all she’d ever have. 

* * *

The escalation of her current stretch of bad luck was becoming a nuisance in her day to day routine. Had it not gotten worse she may have been able to take control of the situation, in due time at that, but the unpredictability of everything took her progress back by months. Recovery felt a million miles away from her, and she couldn’t be sure if she hadn’t already relapsed. Though the thought did cause a pause of question.

 _Relapsed to what...?_

One sharp pain to her temple sent her stumbling to her right, a kind man she stood next to on the subway quickly catching her in a near free fall.

“Careful there.”

Oh she was more than careful these days.

The girl offered her thanks with a beaming smile as she made sure to clutch on to a bar with all the might still left in her. Kasumi sighed as she turned away, gazing down at the marks Sumire left on her wrists night after night. _And she thought it couldn’t get any worse_. Pretending the manifestation of her late sister was a dream no longer seemed feasible, the evidence bruised into her was too damming to look away from. For all the time she spent trying to avoid the memory of Sumire, it hadn’t gotten her much aside from mental anguish, and now a looming shadow, forever present at the back of her mind. She wondered if Maruki would ever believe a single word of this, rather than dismissing it as a form of guilt that still held tightly to her. Perhaps it was best to keep it to herself for the meantime. 

Today was a new day though, a wonderfully sunny Sunday afternoon. No school, no rumors, no Tachibana, and for the foreseeable future—no Sumire. If there was anything she could be happy about, it was the tranquility that silence brought. Kasumi stepped off the train onto the platform. While the temperature only grew higher and higher each passing hour, it was much more welcome than the freezing cold that overwhelmed her whenever Sumire appeared. The summer breeze had never been so rejuvenating, and it was all the more healing knowing where she was headed for the day. 

Taking prior advice, she was searching for an external field of practice, a different way to think through the routine. Her traditional process of going about the steps were helpful in function, but hardly in form. The performance she worked at was barely a step above from her last, still missing that liveliness she once had, the bravado she used to exude so eloquently. The method she adopted previously seemed to work wonders in her favor, easily pulling ahead in the qualifier meet. It was within reason that she’d be able to do it again with a more unique approach, with some outside guidance. For today, and today only, she promised to try something out of her comfort zone. This was for her ambitions, _probably_ , and perhaps the long awaited company she needed after the long week was simply a bonus. 

Kasumi snapped out her drawn out thoughts when the heat of the sun touched her skin, it just hit her that she hadn’t ever visited the quaint district of Yogen-Jaya before. She was somewhat surprised to see the cozy nature of it. The walkways were even more narrow than what she was used to, the shops all compacted so tightly together, with a short row of houses tucked at the furthest reaches of the street. This was were he lived? In a strange way it was almost fitting. 

The residents were more calm than the typical busybody wading through Shibuya. A district that never slept, echoing with the voices of the masses; this place however, could nearly be described as quiet.

_Yes, it was a perfect fit._

The fairly small area of the town was reassuring, even with her lack of navigation skills, she was positive she could find the batting cages—if just by trial and error. Luckily, it was out in plain sight. It may have been the easiest thing she’d done all week. Relieving, if not depressing in its true context.

There was no time to let her mind settle on it’s darker perspective, she was going to forget it all today, at least briefly. And the feelings of sorrow were soon overtaken by a constricting nervousness she began to feel when…

She saw _him_. 

It started so lightly at first, now it seemed out of her control. This wasn’t a good time to lose herself in overthinking what the sensation might have meant. With a deep breath, and an elevated heart rate, she approached the raven haired boy, his concentration locked to a phone screen. 

“Senpai,” What once was so simple, suddenly began to stir up emotions she wasn’t sure she ever felt before. And when he turned his head to look at her, it was all the more powerful. 

_Focus, Kasumi._

“Sorry if I kept you waiting. I was worried I might get lost but...”

Being under Kurusu’s stare came with a certain precariousness, she agonized over looks earlier this morning but she hadn’t thought it would actually be so important. His eyes drifted from her face to the length of her throat. 

Oh, the bruise. 

A hand nonchalantly placed itself on the side of her neck, a short giggle accompanied her shift in position. 

“It was so much easier to find than I first thought.” 

She’d forgotten to dust that one over with the remaining foundation she had. It paled much more than the others, she hadn’t considered it would stick out. Kurusu tilted his head, and she found herself hoping he hadn’t noticed the extra color cutting across her usual fair complexion. 

“Don’t worry about it.”

A breath she didn’t know she was holding in finally released. Perhaps the mark faded enough not to draw unwanted attention. Lying to him was something she’d rather avoid, but the circumstance for this was beyond reasonable explanation. 

_Crisis averted_. Kasumi straightened her posture and put her hands at rest,

“Well, I bet you’re wondering why I asked to meet you here.”

It was the best she could do to take her mind off the mess she made. It was her intention to capitalize off of the insight Kurusu seemed to have in spades, yet there was something more to this request. A day where she had the luxury of enjoying her time, without the abject desire for it all to end. And it just so happened that he had been integral in setting her at ease. For today, she promised, today only. 

He shrugged, a grin forming on his features “It’s a mystery. Can’t imagine what we’d do here.” 

“Sarcastic comments aside, I was thinking it might do us some good to break out of the regular training regiment.” Well, maybe more for her. Though the older boy didn’t appear to have any objections. 

“I hear that batting is good practice for your reflexes, and I figured I’d take your advice about looking outside of myself. So...” Her voice trailed off, taking a moment to tuck a stray hair back, offering a bit of transparency for the plans she made. “Actually....It just sounded like a fun way to spend time with you.” 

Kasumi nearly regretted saying that much, as if she had to hide from any ounce of honesty she could afford herself. Although, seeing him smile at her, even as faint as it was, stripped away the unease instantly. 

“Have you ever done this before?”

Kurusu nodded. “A few times, though I wouldn’t exactly call myself an expert.”

With a small giggle, Kasumi ushered on. “That’s alright, I’m probably not very good at it either. But that's why I wanted to come here today, I’d like to show you that I can hit a home run.”

If there was anyone she wanted to present seamlessly capable for, it was him. And while she had no experience batting before, how hard could it possibly be? Now that she thought about it…

 _Didn’t she have experience?_

“So I’ll just be watching for today?”

“If you wouldn’t mind, it’s so new to me, after all.” 

Taking a quick glance at the structure before her, something resurfaced inside her memories. A strange sensation, one without the physical pain that was typically brought on by thinking of anything aside the present, a serene—if not pleasant—recollection.

“No, wait. I have been here before.” The words were unintentionally spoken. Kasumi put a hand to her temple. “My father used to take me here when I was little...”

_This very place?_

Kasumi swore she never stepped foot in Yogen-Jaya before, and yet the passing images of another girl and her father standing right where she did contradicted the claims she had against it. Something inside her told her it had to be the truth. Despite the odd trills running up her spine, intangible and unseen, she couldn’t help but smile. The memory being entirely hers warmed whatever chill that was invited in. 

“I used to love swinging the bat around, even if I hadn’t hit a single baseball in the process. “ The determination she had in the past must have still been there, if these memories weren’t some comforting lie her subconscious forged. “I lost a lot of confidence since then, but now that I’m with you—“

What was she saying? Her face flashed scarlet.

“S-sorry! I didn’t mean to put it like that. I’m thankful to you for hearing me out as often as you do, It’s not that I-I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable! _That’s all_.” She couldn’t sound more wooden if she tried. 

“Kasumi, it’s fine.” His voice was enough to relax the tensed muscles in her back, take her out of the self imposed admonishment going through her head. “If you think it’ll help, I’d love to see what you can do.”

That overexcitement came back to her all too quickly, she pumped her arms with a laugh. “Oh, I’m so glad to hear you say that! I promise I won’t disappoint you, Senpai!” 

* * *

Stepping up to the plate brought a little more anxiousness than she would have expected. She was used to performing near flawlessly for others, but given her lack of expertise here, she was feeling a heavy uneasiness taking root in her nerves. Just as it should be, pressure was what spurned her success. While she only had one person looking over her, he was the one person in the world she cared to impress the most.

The heaviness of the wooden bat in her hand was a far cry from the ribbon she usually used in her acts, but it was—essentially— the same concept. _Probably._

The crimson haired girl adjusted her grip around the bats hilt, positioning herself in what was her earnest attempt at imitating what she’d seen on TV; how ever long ago it may have been since her father had the time to sit and watch a game with her. 

“Next up to the plate: Kasumi Yoshizawa!” It was also an attempt at recreating the memories of her past, as a young girl she brazenly gave her own introduction before clumsily hitting negative space seconds after the baseball had already launched. She just hoped her years of experience coordinating herself would give her the upper hand.

Kasumi tightened her hold at the handle.

“Here I go!”

Timing was the most important aspect, her best shot was to lead her movement when it came near, a trick she remembered her father telling her ages ago. As a child her sense of rhythm was better than average, still not competent enough to really hit much of anything, albeit her light handedness never gave her the desired result of a home run when she did manage to connect a shot. Right, make sure to slam it out of the park. First, ready the stance, then visualize the space from the bat to the—

She heard a whoosh to the right of her, a mockingly quiet sound echoing when the ball bounced and rolled further into the field. It took her a moment to process that she had not moved a single muscle as the ball flew right passed her. This was eerily similar to the past.

“That was...a lot quicker than I expected.”

Evidently, it was generous of her to think she learned from the past. However, it was only a minor set back. She could adjust, she had always been versatile. Even without an ounce of inspiration lately, she’d pull through, enduring any hardship became a talent of hers. For as much as she was weathered, she remained grounded, digging her heels into her ambitions, no matter what they were. Firm in the beliefs she had, the only issue was finding belief in herself. Kasumi held her position. 

“I’ll—I’ll hit the next one for sure!” 

This round she would be ready for its terrifying speed, she may have barely registered the ball whizzing by, but she knew for sure that she wouldn’t miss it again—

Oh, the machine went off, the loud clank of its contents shooting out hadn’t gone through her mind until she saw the ball slowly roll past her feet. Now that was just insulting. At the very least, she was positive she had the perfect opening to swing, all she needed to listen for was the noise of the ball getting sucked through that cylinder and then she would know…

The ball hit the fence, and she felt a vein in her temple nearly burst. 

“I think you’re supposed to be hitting those, Kasumi.”

_Now she was losing patience._

“I know that! I’m just waiting for the right opportunity to—“

And yet another passed right by. 

“You’re—You’re distracting me, Senpai! Don’t be rude!” 

Kasumi tore her eyes away from him, but the small chuckle she heard from behind her may have been more of a significant breach on her concentration. Damn it all, why was he so good at getting under her skin? 

“Alright, alright. I’ll keep my mouth shut. It’s what I’m good at anyway.”

Good. 

Though, she could feel her heart start to pound. Her mind was suddenly stuck on the thought of him watching her every motion, or rather, a lack thereof. No, she wasn’t embarrassed, at least not completely. It was something else picking her apart, she just couldn’t pinpoint what exactly. If anything, she felt her best being around him, as if he was some kind of shelter from the life that had turned on her. The sensation that filled her stomach just when she saw him was certainly more pleasing than unsettling, as mysterious as it was, perhaps she was beginning to really enjoy feeling this way. 

And so, she missed another ball thinking about it. 

_What a mighty distraction that boy was_. Frustration grew all the more when he started laughing, like she hadn’t ever heard from him before. The glare she gave him quickly softened, the sudden realization he wasn’t at all like this when they first met began to dawn on her. Once so emotionally closed off, unbearably stoic and just too quiet, she surmised there must have been a change in him recently. Perhaps it was the friends he made, their motley crew seemed so tightly knit, so trusting. But would it be too bold to assume she was partially responsible as well? 

There was a certain trust he gave her, one she had yet to return. To tell her all of what he did, everything he let on about his past—simply because she asked him— she really must have meant something to him. She could spend all day coming up with excuses why that couldn’t be true, why he was so much better than this, than her. And she could break herself down agonizing that it just wasn’t fair for him to use what little time he had with her of all people. Maybe that was what set them so far apart, why she was always clinging to the concept of becoming closer, without lifting a finger to get them there. While he’d been plenty distant himself, the barrier put between them was an effort held by both parties. In this moment, she felt as if the walls were coming down, if only for today. It was enough. 

Kasumi gave in, set aside her pride, and laughed alongside him. She really was no good at batting, clearing her mind to focus on the process was an uphill battle she often lost. There wasn’t any doubt in her mind that she was an unfixable mess, but it didn’t always have to be something she was ashamed of.

Her spectator tempered himself down, and he stood to face her.

“Not that I don’t think you’re doing a _wonderful_ job out there, but since you’re so keen on taking my advice, maybe I should give you a few pointers.”

_Well, it couldn’t hurt._

Despite the stricture passed her sternum, she assured herself that this wouldn’t hurt. That feeling settling back in her stomach was no deterrent, Kasumi gave him a nod as she stepped back to turn off the machine. 

“Didn’t you say you weren’t an expert?” She smiled at him, brushing through the bangs stuck to her forehead. 

He emerged from the other side of the gate, suddenly right at her side. “Hey, I’m just trying to help.” 

This time, she was inclined to let him. 

“So, what’re your thoughts, Coach? Think I could improve my stance some?”

He tucked his finger under his chin with a tilt of his head. “Show me.” 

Kasumi did as directed, as naturally as she would when Hiraguchi would instruct her. Yet the thought soon gave a rise in her, recollecting the times Hiraguchi would correct her posture with her hands if she needed to, a palm at the small of her back to straighten her out, fingers gently holding her shoulder. And that...wasn’t something she should have wanted him to do. Her teeth chewed on the inside of her cheek inadvertently, trying her best to move away from such an intrusive idea. 

It was almost as if she actually felt his eyes scoring her, and it wasn’t that he made her nervous ( she was praying that it wasn’t that simple), but her sudden stray from the way she should have been thinking caught her in a whirlwind of something she was in no headspace to figure out. It certainly hadn’t helped when she felt the palm of his hand fit to her shoulder. 

Kasumi jerked back into him with a quiet gasp, more caught off guard that those intrusive ideas came to fruition than the aspect of him actually touching her. Her shoulder blade hit his chest, and like that, the hyper-correction quickly yielded its most undesirable result. 

Except...it really hadn’t. Being so close was kind of nice.

“Sorry!” She wasn’t sure which one of them said it first.

His contact was lost so instantly, she nearly missed the brief sensation. 

“I probably should have asked first.”

“N-no, it’s okay. My gymnastics coach usually does the same thing when she’s helping me through a routine. So,”

Her logic would have held up, if he was a woman like Hiraguchi, or more accurately, and far more honestly— If it just wasn’t him. It was best he gave her verbal instructions.

“I was just surprised, I really don’t mind.”

The goal of her outing here must have been a secondary priority at the moment. Kasumi pinched her eyes shut chastising herself for even being conflicted over this. 

“Right” He said so evenly. Apparently he had a cooler head than her in just about every scenario.

When she felt his touch again, the civil war her brain had waged all seemed to melt away. Suddenly, this was _objectively_ the best way to go about this situation. She felt him straighten her out, his hands then shifting to her forearms. This was just like practice, she reminded herself, there was no point in overthinking it. 

“I know you’re probably just doing what you’ve seen on TV, but I find it easier to tuck my arms in like this.” 

He pulled her arms back in gentle motion, and she made sure to keep the position he guided her to. It was a little less comfortable then the previous place, but she quickly understood it would give her a more controlled range of motion. 

She hadn’t even noticed her back was pressed against his chest, she swore she hadn’t. More so, why should she care? Because obviously, _she didn’t_.

Kasumi found herself swallowing dryly, her tight handle on the bat loosening the slightest bit. His hand slid up to her upper arm, and she just about dropped it entirely.Before the bat could fall out of her reach her nimble fingers corrected their grip and squeezed. 

“You don’t want to be too far forward, and...you can loosen yourself up a bit, you know.”

Not with his hands where they were. 

Though, she took his advice. Pushing through any distraction that was throwing her off kilter. She would end up missing again if she didn’t focus. 

“Like this?” 

Her voice came out much weaker than she was expecting, but he made a hum of approval. Suddenly the warmth of his body was gone, and she had to remind herself to suppress her disappointment. 

“Let’s see if this works for you.” 

With a nod, she pointed her sights to the cylinder. The roar of the machine drummed back up as her company departed from the field. She couldn’t fail again, she wouldn’t just be letting down herself.

 _Don’t be too serious._

Part of her mind scolded the grave thinking she always succumbed to. It was for fun—

_Remember when this used to be fun?_

A voice foreign to her echoed in her head, and she shut her eyes closed for a moment, catching a breath from the brief pain it stirred. When she opened them again, she was too late. 

A swing, a miss. 

Kasumi shook her head. It wasn’t about the failure, nor the competition, she remembered someone telling her this before—but the image wasn’t clear. 

An exasperated exhale, the migraine came back. She moved, but she didn’t move fast enough. Another miss.

 _Why are you so hard on yourself?_

Kasumi clenched her teeth, white noise blaring in her ears, mixing with voice curtailing her back into agony that was her repressed memories. She saw the ball come closer, thought it was right with her grasp, but her sore wrists faltered. 

Miss. 

_Just keep trying. You know you have it in you._

Kasumi felt tears billow up in her eyes, it hurt so much, it always did, but there was something different about this. Something special she’d forgotten, and she felt her grip tighten. To forgo the soreness, the headache, the shame, the embarrassment, the expectation. To let go of it all for one moment because—

She would’ve wanted her to. 

When she saw it coming, she pinched her eyes closed again, letting her instincts take control. She swung, the weight of the bat had force against for a split second, and it was gone in an instant. The release had her curious to look for herself. Sure enough, the ball hit the other side of the fence, caught in the mesh. 

“I—“

She could hardly believe what she was seeing. An unknown push from a vestigial memory was what did it. The crimson haired girl swung herself back around to her spectator, a smile wider than she ever felt it 

“I did it! I really did it!” She laughed as she quickly switched off the machine, catching a glimpse of his own small grin. 

He soon met her out on the field, and she was still on a high that she could not easily come down from. Kasumi ran up to him, her hands clasped in excitement.

“Did you see!? Did you see me?! I really got a home run!” 

He let out a chuckle as his eyes followed her as jumped up and down 

“ I saw, you did great Kasumi.”

The praise he gave her, the warmth in his voice, she wasn’t sure how but it made her feel all the more elated. The excitement overtook her and she didn’t think through what she did next. In a sudden motion, she wrapped her arms around him, tucking her head at this shoulder 

“ _Oh, I’m so happy Akira!_ “

When she held him tighter, she started to realize the barrier she broke, along with an awkward pat and nervous laugh he gave her. 

She bolted right back off of him, stumbling to catch herself. 

“I’m—I’m sorry, I got way too ahead of myself!” Still, her smile hadn’t disappeared. As brief as it was, their embrace might have been the best feeling she had all day—all month, _all year._

“Don’t be. I’m fine.” 

Kasumi calmed herself, halting her jittering and letting herself take a good long look at him. Whatever unnamed emotion she’d been feeling today was comforting, freeing. It was because of him. 

Kurusu—

No, she called him Akira, didn’t she? 

“I think this calls for a celebration, don’t you?”

She nodded her head, the heat in her face becoming a little too noticeable for her liking. 

* * *

Akira mentioned he lived in a café, but she hadn’t thought it had so much charm to it. Just a small, quiet place, it’s scent and environment lulled her into a security she was so desperately missing recently. He offered her a cup of coffee, and she obliged a little too quickly. Really, the draw of getting to see his daily life was more appealing, but she would keep that to herself for now. It seemed so normal, _peaceful_ , for someone in such a difficult position. As well as the man taking care of him, he seemed surprised by her at first, but gave a warm welcome. The whole place felt warm, in a manner that didn’t overwhelm her in the summer heat. Knowing that she couldn’t stay for much longer was a slight disappointment.

“I can’t believe you really live in a place like this. It’s so wonderful, and your guardian is such a nice man.” Kasumi said softly, lifting the coffee Sojiro had made in her hands.

a “Didn’t used to be.” Akira’s reply was much quieter, said with a sense of humor as he shifted his eyes to the shop owner. “Well, not to me anyway. In the beginning it really felt like no matter where I went most people thought I was nothing but trouble.”

There was a change in his expression, subtle, but she was able to pick up on it.

“I never thought so. Even when—“ She stopped herself before she brought up Kamoshida again. Whatever the reason she had, the words he said were better off forgotten. “It’s just that—You’ve been such a huge help to me ever since I met you.” 

Akira scoffed “I’m glad you think so.”

His sights fell to his cup, “Shouldn’t have mentioned it. Just making light of a shitty situation, y’know?”

Perhaps, the walls between them really were down.

Kasumi squared her shoulders “If...if there’s anything on your mind, I’d be more than happy to hear you out.”

The boy across from her looked up to give her a small smile. “It’s nothing. Sojiro’s a great guy, really. I like it way more over here anyway.”

Kasumi leaned in, resting her hands on her thighs. “What was it like—your hometown?” 

The realization he got himself caught into explaining his past seemed to dawn on him. With a sigh, he answered 

“A lot smaller than Tokyo. The kinda town where everyone knew each other, where rumors spread fast.”

The raven haired boy shook his head before continuing. “So, when I got arrested, the whole town was talking about it the next day. People there don’t have a lot of sympathy for anyone disrupting the peace. “

Her fingers curled into the fabric of her shorts, the familiarity of his story setting her on edge. 

“You should’ve seen the headlines. The press had to hide my identity in the papers, but everyone knew it was me. “ Akira left a pause, absentmindedly toying with his hair as his leg shook under the table. “When I was released, I was immediately expelled from my old school. None of my friends would even look at me, it was like the whole damn town was scared of me. I don’t think I’d ever seen my dad so...ashamed before. “

Kasumi shifted forward “Senpai, that’s so terrible. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

He turned his head a way for a moment, but looked back at her with a grin “If I could do it over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.” 

She furrowed a brow, suddenly she wasn’t sure she was following him. Everyday of her life for the last year was wishing she could rectify all the mistakes she made. To shove them away, block them from memory. Why face it head on? 

“That’s brave of you but—“

“If I hadn’t done what I did, I wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t have met my _real_ friends. I wouldn’t have met you.”

Kasumi felt her face flush, her heart beat faster. A hand of hers shifted up to her chest, the constricting sensation never letting up. 

“I’ve been told that I’ve always had an attitude problem. Now I’m starting to learn that— well maybe it’s a good thing. “

The crimson haired girl smiled sheepishly “I admire your courage, Senpai. It’s... _inspiring_. Just —be careful. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.” 

Akira nodded, and she would take that as a promise. She couldn’t be sure of what he meant by what he said, she tried not to think too much of it. The mess he was in last spring was bad enough, she only hoped he hadn’t gotten himself into anything dangerous. 

“Your turn.”

“Huh?” She was taken out of her thoughts without warning. So suddenly that she was almost feeling shy. 

Did he...lead her into this? 

“To say something, I mean. I spilled my guts so,” He tilted his head up with a charming smile “You spill yours.”

 _Clever_. But not today. Maybe not for a while. The crush of pressure was too much to spill, she couldn’t have him pitying her, even if it broke their deal she couldn’t allow herself too. 

“We’ve been having such a good day, I really wouldn’t want to ruin it by...”Her words trailed off. This was supposed to be her escape from all grief she endured. And yet, she felt guilty for considering cowering out of it. 

If she was anything like Akira, she’d be brave enough to say it. 

Didn’t she want to be brave?

He seemed to notice her hesitation. “Can I ask?”

Kasumi sucked in a breath, something about him interviewing her unnerved her. “What?”

She already knew. 

“You’re a tough one to crack, Kasumi. For everything that’s happened—you bounce back pretty fast.”

_Oh, he had no idea._

“What makes you say that? I’ve never felt better.” And she wasn’t lying either, not yet. 

“Makoto told me about the uh—y’know, what happened a couple days ago. She said you were really distraught.”

Who wouldn’t be? Finding a rotting bird in your locker wasn’t exactly the best way to start the morning. 

“It was just a prank, Senpai. It could’ve happened to anybody. “ She said the same to Nijima, and for the most part it was the truth. If not a lie of omission. 

“And...the rumors?”

Of course he heard them. How could he not have? 

She let out a sigh, maybe it was time to let go of her pride, hold up her end of the bargain. “Do you...do you believe them?”

She felt more insecure about the whole situation when he was addressing it. 

“Not a word of it.”

That was a weight off her chest, the kind of peace of mind she needed.

“I just want to help you, Kasumi. “

Still, she wasn’t biting.

“It can’t be helped. The girls in my gymnastics club despise me, they think I’m crazy, they think that I’m— It...it doesn’t matter. They won’t change their minds about me so easily.” Kasumi shook her head “If you could live with the rumors, then so can I. I’ll be fine, Senpai.”

It was what she told herself every morning. Eventually her harassers would grow tired of her, as long as she kept to herself. It was a process, she couldn’t let it slow her down.

“Still, that prank seemed kind of—threatening to me. Makoto said someone might be out to get you, she’s worried about you.”

Nijima was a kind soul, and she appreciated the concern but it wouldn’t do her any good. 

“What else can they do to me?” She thought she meant it rhetorically, but she found herself being curious. Tachibana didn’t sound like she was out of ideas. 

Akira shifted his gaze “I’d rather not find out.”

“I don’t have much of a choice.”

Kasumi moved her wrist, nearly setting her hand on top of the upperclassman’s. She stopped short, a part of her aching inside with the realization. She offered a sincere smile instead. 

“It’s thanks to you that I can keep head up, Senpai. I’m so glad we had the chance to get to know each other, I’m glad I’ve had the chance to make a real friend.“

Her _only_ friend. 

“That’s why I’ll be alright. Because I have you.” 

Sentimentality nearly felt dangerous. What if he took it the wrong way? 

Akira held his stoic expression. She couldn’t doubt herself about it now. 

“You should be careful too, Kasumi.”

As she was about to respond she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. A stuttered, precarious shake that never failed to rise her anxiety, mostly because—

The contact appearing on her cracked phone screen was her father, and she jumped out of the seat when she glanced at the time. 

“Oh no no no no! Senpai, I’m so sorry!” The girl gave a clumsy wave before tripping out the booth. “I told my dad I’d be home an hour ago, I really have to go but—today was so amazing! I—“

She forgot to answer the call, her thumb quickly swiped to accept as she stumbled to the café’s door. “I’ll see you later, alright!”

She could see him round the corner of the booth and say something, but she left through the entrance before hearing any of it. She broke out into a sprint as she greeted her father, clumsily trying to rest her bag onto her shoulder. The moments she could hear his voice clearly, he sounded more calm than she was expecting, but she was already feeling the tension of coming back home. Today was a wonderful day, she only wished it hadn’t ended. 

Like the clock striking midnight, the fantasy she was in faded into obscurity behind her. Back to her family, back to Sumire. 

* * *

Her mind was stuck on him for the rest of the evening. Homework was difficult to finish, but she had eventually been able to tear her thoughts away long enough to focus. Now she had the freedom to let him consume her thoughts, but even the pleasant topic came with a burning question

_Why?_

Every time she had tried to confront it she felt lightheaded, a strain forming in her chest. Her face would get hot, and she felt— _giddy_.

There was a word, but perhaps she was afraid of it. Her muscles tensed when it came to mind, throwing her back into the same pathetic state. She never thought she could blush so much. 

She was definitely afraid of it.

Akira was a friend, her only friend. Someone she was comfortable around, but now things seemed to have changed. 

Friend—or something more? 

_“You look troubled.”_

The voice was recognizable, even without the hoarse tone and distorted inflection. Kasumi buried her face into a pillow.

“Go away.”

The presence of her sister filled her with dread, but at the very least she was much less imposing than the other nights she haunted her. 

_“I know you better than anyone else, something—_ someone _is on your mind.”_

Kasumi squeezed her eyes shut as she curled her body into a ball.

“It’s nothing. Just leave me be.”

The air around her grew cold.

“ _Do you like him? Kurusu-senpai—Akira?”_

Of course she did. He was what held her together most days. 

_“I like him.”_

Her words got an instant reaction, Kasumi stifling up just enough to see the silhouette of her sister.

“You don’t know him, Sumire.”

_“Sure I do. Every moment you’ve shared with him, I’ve been there too.”_

The elder twin shook her head laying back down.

 _  
__“He’s nice, and smart. And...”_

  
She heard Sumire giggle, if she could ever be capable of such a thing.

  
_“And he’s really cute too.”_

  
Her face was lighting up again. She tried not to think about his looks, because she always noticed, she was always rather... _Attracted._

  
_“Are you really too proud to admit it? You know that he’s the only thing that makes you feel safe anymore, he’s the only reason you’re still—“_ _  
  
_

“Stop it!”

There was silence for a moment. Brief, still air, between the surviving sister and what was left of her twin. 

“What do you want from me anyway?”

Sumire must have gotten closer, a chill ran up her spine.  
  


“ _The truth. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”_ _  
  
_

  
The truth? She wasn’t really sure of what that meant anymore.

“Will it make you go away? If I tell you about how I...how I feel about him, you’ll leave me alone, alright?” 

Sumire didn’t respond, she didn’t need to.

“I...I like him, so much— _too much._ But what difference does it make? I’m not...”

Her grip on the pillow tightened “I’m not good enough for him. I’m just a girl that’s completely—and utterly lost her mind. Senpai deserves better than that.”

The temperature in the room returned to normal, granting the courage she needed to look over her shoulder. Sumire was gone, and she really thought she would have felt more relieved. 

Kasumi sighed, rolling onto her back.

What was safe once before would never be the same. She doubted she would treat him any differently, but the heartbreak that was sure to come complicated the only _good_ part of her life. 

**Author's Note:**

> There is most definitely a lot of grammatical errors and bizarre wording throughout what I have written so far, so I apologize if it’s distracting. 
> 
> I decided to put down Kasumi in the tags as not to immediately spoil anyone who comes across this, just in case. But there is no subtlety in this fic at all, so just keep in mind that there is implications to the big boy spoilers of this game from the very beginning.


End file.
